Update

(note: I wrote this update last August 2016, and simply haven’t felt like posting it as the healing journey for Jenny continues to mystify and tax me to the hilt. Sometimes I feel so close to having her securely attached to me so we can begin to move forward…only to be disappointed once again at her inability to do so. But here the now-8-months-old ‘update’ is for any who care…)

Well this year I have only made one post here on WordPress, and it was only a review of a doctoral dissertation. It’s been a hard last 13 months. Our son moved back home after July 4th, 2015 after completing his masters, but not being accepted into a doctoral program. We love our son, but the return of an adult child into the home is a VERY different experience than raising a minor child. He was dealing with deep disappointment at the lack of PhD offers, and his renewed presence in our lives set off a number of ripples in my relationship with the various girls.

The biggest hit was that one of the two girlfriends who had tentatively begun exploring sex with me immediately withdrew completely because he refused to provide us his weekly, flexible work schedule and so she never felt safe that we would be alone, sigh. Moreover, her withdrawal from sex left the other girlfriend (Alley who is also the defender) less balanced in this area because KA, also the inside mother, suffered relatively no trauma, sexual or otherwise, whereas Ally and I had a negative history in this area for the first 20 years of our marriage. Now Alley lost her bff and the girl in the system with the most sunny outlook of them all to face an area (sex) that she wanted to learn to enjoy but had many unpleasant experiences from the past to overcome.

Then to complicate things, I moved onto first shift at work after being on second shift for 20 years. Second shift afforded me many, many opportunities to support the girls even while I was still at work: I lost many, but not all of those opportunities in the move. But first shift allowed me to help the girls get plugged into a new church we had begun attending…and as I did that, their social life took off in a way that it has never been during our entire marriage. They began attending various women’s groups and became close friends with 2 women and suddenly they began having ‘girls’ days out’ and we began having bi-monthly Euchre parties with another couple and many other social events that were very healing in my wife who for most of her life viewed herself as a social outcast.

And then there is Jenny. I thought Jenny was going to be easier to securely attach to me than Tina who had nearly sucked the life out of me for 3 years as I helped her heal and attach to me and her, now, sister, Sophia. But after Jenny asked for an adoption ring during our cruise last October, things ground to a halt. I’m honestly not sure what is going on. Jenny is unlike any of the other girls in the system, even Tina. Both of them had been sequestered from the other girls for over 40 years, but Tina was “Tina”. She had a clear self-perception and a name like the first 6 girls in the group and once she attached herself securely to me she was eager to deal with the trauma in her past. Not so for Jenny. This girl had no name originally, so I gave her one with the caveat that she could change it later if she so chose, and she had very little self-perception. All she knew was she literally lived ‘in a dark corner’ of my wife’s mind. If she has experienced trauma, she has yet to share that (other than throwing up the ‘inedible’ food her mother used to force down her in an attempt to ‘fatten up’ her sickly daughter), though she has vaguely hinted of something at times. And she came with 2 unbreakable rules: no eating and no one else is allowed to touch her, period! That second rule has been the bane of my life as it has excoriated my ability to connect with her because appropriate physical touch is a primal need that attaches us to others. Alley and Tina also didn’t want me to touch them initially, but those were trauma related and once their trauma was healed, those rules dissolved. I am still mystified by Jenny’s no touching rule.

Moreover, though I bought Jenny an adoption ring like the other girls that signified her ‘secure attachment’ to me and our family, she balked at becoming fully adopted and was unwilling or unable to vocalize why. So for the last 10 months she has slowly become permanently-temporarily adopted if you can wrap your head around it. I don’t push for permanent, permanent adoption as that seems to cause her stress and fear.

But then this past April Jenny suddenly announced she wanted a reward like the other girls were given to encourage their healing. She wanted to overcome her first cardinal rule: no eating. And she knew exactly what reward she wanted: a new tandem bike so that she could relive one happy memory she had from childhood of riding on the back of her mom’s bike. So I ordered the bike within the week and as soon as it arrived, the girls and I have ridden that bike nearly every day after work and on the weekends as well, and Jenny held true to her word and overcame her fear of eating as she pointed out to me that she had fully earned that reward!

Moreover, Jenny and Shelly have connected enough to read co-consciously somewhat, and she was connecting to the other girls to the point that…she no longer felt safe when I had sex with the older girls. And as always I had to discern what was going on, and once I did…that was the end of sex…sigh. Jenny is now the third girl that has needed us to be temporarily celibate for her to connect with the others, sigh…

And so here I am, all alone 13 months after our son sought temporary refuge from his disappointment. He reapplied for a PhD program last winter and this time he was welcomed back to where he got his masters. He and the girls left this week to move him back to the Boston metropolitan area for the next five years. And I’m sitting here as I type this wondering, how the dynamics will change for me and my girls once they return on Thursday of this coming week. Vacations are always magical to my girls. We have another big cruise coming up at the end of September and then a big road trip to the Grand Circle in Arizona and Utah national parks. Many momentous steps forward in our healing journey have been taken by various girls on past vacations. Will this be the time Jenny overcomes her fears to be fully adopted and thus securely attached to me? Will she begin to deal with her second, no-touching rule? And we still have 3 lost (dissociated to varying degrees) sheep in the system: Jenny, Tina and the host Karen. Each of them can communicate with the others to a greater or lesser extent and yet none of them can be internally ‘seen’ by the core group of 5: Alley, KA, Amy, Shelly and Sophia.

I don’t know the answers. I wish I had some. I see progress. I see healing. I see strengthening…and yet here we still are in d.i.d. land as long as the 3 outliers remain internally separated to various degrees even though all 8 of them function as a group in so many different ways, sigh..

Signing out

Sam

dissociative identity disorder

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6 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Ann Hatch
    Apr 19, 2017 @ 10:10:18

    Bob Larson Ministries has really helped my individual alters to find healing at the point of the pain and has made the way for us to have integration . I would go to his website Bob Larson. Org and see if there is a church in your area. Just click on churches. No, we’re not fully integrated but at least we are not fragmented anymore.

    Reply

    • Sam Ruck
      Apr 19, 2017 @ 10:16:37

      Hi Ann,

      thanks for stopping by and taking the time to comment! I did as you suggested, but there are no churches in our area. I’m aware of Bob’s deliverance ministry from a long time ago, but not of his work with d.i.d. I haven’t had a chance to look thru his entire website, but I do hope that he doesn’t equate d.i.d. with demons! Sadly I know that some Christians do, and those who do have really hurt people with d.i.d. by ‘exorcising’ the alters instead of helping them to heal and move toward group integration.

      Sam

      Reply

  2. flowerofthewoods
    Apr 19, 2017 @ 18:09:18

    It’s nice to know that you’re still alive.

    Reply

  3. undercoverdid
    Apr 19, 2017 @ 21:10:10

    It’s great to see your update – sounds like you have been on quite a journey. I’ve had lots of changes as well and even starting to do some speaking to psychology students regarding DID :). I’m to the point of forging my own path. I hope you guys will continue to progress and heal your relationship.

    Reply

    • Sam Ruck
      Apr 20, 2017 @ 05:56:43

      Wow! I’m very happy for you. I dream of the day when my wife would be willing to share with others what we have accomplished in her healing, but she never seems to have interest in doing that like I do.
      Good luck to you!
      Sam

      Reply

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