Update

(note: I wrote this update last August 2016, and simply haven’t felt like posting it as the healing journey for Jenny continues to mystify and tax me to the hilt. Sometimes I feel so close to having her securely attached to me so we can begin to move forward…only to be disappointed once again at her inability to do so. But here the now-8-months-old ‘update’ is for any who care…)

Well this year I have only made one post here on WordPress, and it was only a review of a doctoral dissertation. It’s been a hard last 13 months. Our son moved back home after July 4th, 2015 after completing his masters, but not being accepted into a doctoral program. We love our son, but the return of an adult child into the home is a VERY different experience than raising a minor child. He was dealing with deep disappointment at the lack of PhD offers, and his renewed presence in our lives set off a number of ripples in my relationship with the various girls.

The biggest hit was that one of the two girlfriends who had tentatively begun exploring sex with me immediately withdrew completely because he refused to provide us his weekly, flexible work schedule and so she never felt safe that we would be alone, sigh. Moreover, her withdrawal from sex left the other girlfriend (Alley who is also the defender) less balanced in this area because KA, also the inside mother, suffered relatively no trauma, sexual or otherwise, whereas Ally and I had a negative history in this area for the first 20 years of our marriage. Now Alley lost her bff and the girl in the system with the most sunny outlook of them all to face an area (sex) that she wanted to learn to enjoy but had many unpleasant experiences from the past to overcome.

Then to complicate things, I moved onto first shift at work after being on second shift for 20 years. Second shift afforded me many, many opportunities to support the girls even while I was still at work: I lost many, but not all of those opportunities in the move. But first shift allowed me to help the girls get plugged into a new church we had begun attending…and as I did that, their social life took off in a way that it has never been during our entire marriage. They began attending various women’s groups and became close friends with 2 women and suddenly they began having ‘girls’ days out’ and we began having bi-monthly Euchre parties with another couple and many other social events that were very healing in my wife who for most of her life viewed herself as a social outcast.

And then there is Jenny. I thought Jenny was going to be easier to securely attach to me than Tina who had nearly sucked the life out of me for 3 years as I helped her heal and attach to me and her, now, sister, Sophia. But after Jenny asked for an adoption ring during our cruise last October, things ground to a halt. I’m honestly not sure what is going on. Jenny is unlike any of the other girls in the system, even Tina. Both of them had been sequestered from the other girls for over 40 years, but Tina was “Tina”. She had a clear self-perception and a name like the first 6 girls in the group and once she attached herself securely to me she was eager to deal with the trauma in her past. Not so for Jenny. This girl had no name originally, so I gave her one with the caveat that she could change it later if she so chose, and she had very little self-perception. All she knew was she literally lived ‘in a dark corner’ of my wife’s mind. If she has experienced trauma, she has yet to share that (other than throwing up the ‘inedible’ food her mother used to force down her in an attempt to ‘fatten up’ her sickly daughter), though she has vaguely hinted of something at times. And she came with 2 unbreakable rules: no eating and no one else is allowed to touch her, period! That second rule has been the bane of my life as it has excoriated my ability to connect with her because appropriate physical touch is a primal need that attaches us to others. Alley and Tina also didn’t want me to touch them initially, but those were trauma related and once their trauma was healed, those rules dissolved. I am still mystified by Jenny’s no touching rule.

Moreover, though I bought Jenny an adoption ring like the other girls that signified her ‘secure attachment’ to me and our family, she balked at becoming fully adopted and was unwilling or unable to vocalize why. So for the last 10 months she has slowly become permanently-temporarily adopted if you can wrap your head around it. I don’t push for permanent, permanent adoption as that seems to cause her stress and fear.

But then this past April Jenny suddenly announced she wanted a reward like the other girls were given to encourage their healing. She wanted to overcome her first cardinal rule: no eating. And she knew exactly what reward she wanted: a new tandem bike so that she could relive one happy memory she had from childhood of riding on the back of her mom’s bike. So I ordered the bike within the week and as soon as it arrived, the girls and I have ridden that bike nearly every day after work and on the weekends as well, and Jenny held true to her word and overcame her fear of eating as she pointed out to me that she had fully earned that reward!

Moreover, Jenny and Shelly have connected enough to read co-consciously somewhat, and she was connecting to the other girls to the point that…she no longer felt safe when I had sex with the older girls. And as always I had to discern what was going on, and once I did…that was the end of sex…sigh. Jenny is now the third girl that has needed us to be temporarily celibate for her to connect with the others, sigh…

And so here I am, all alone 13 months after our son sought temporary refuge from his disappointment. He reapplied for a PhD program last winter and this time he was welcomed back to where he got his masters. He and the girls left this week to move him back to the Boston metropolitan area for the next five years. And I’m sitting here as I type this wondering, how the dynamics will change for me and my girls once they return on Thursday of this coming week. Vacations are always magical to my girls. We have another big cruise coming up at the end of September and then a big road trip to the Grand Circle in Arizona and Utah national parks. Many momentous steps forward in our healing journey have been taken by various girls on past vacations. Will this be the time Jenny overcomes her fears to be fully adopted and thus securely attached to me? Will she begin to deal with her second, no-touching rule? And we still have 3 lost (dissociated to varying degrees) sheep in the system: Jenny, Tina and the host Karen. Each of them can communicate with the others to a greater or lesser extent and yet none of them can be internally ‘seen’ by the core group of 5: Alley, KA, Amy, Shelly and Sophia.

I don’t know the answers. I wish I had some. I see progress. I see healing. I see strengthening…and yet here we still are in d.i.d. land as long as the 3 outliers remain internally separated to various degrees even though all 8 of them function as a group in so many different ways, sigh..

Signing out

Sam

dissociative identity disorder

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9 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Ann Hatch
    Apr 19, 2017 @ 10:10:18

    Bob Larson Ministries has really helped my individual alters to find healing at the point of the pain and has made the way for us to have integration . I would go to his website Bob Larson. Org and see if there is a church in your area. Just click on churches. No, we’re not fully integrated but at least we are not fragmented anymore.

    Reply

    • Sam Ruck
      Apr 19, 2017 @ 10:16:37

      Hi Ann,

      thanks for stopping by and taking the time to comment! I did as you suggested, but there are no churches in our area. I’m aware of Bob’s deliverance ministry from a long time ago, but not of his work with d.i.d. I haven’t had a chance to look thru his entire website, but I do hope that he doesn’t equate d.i.d. with demons! Sadly I know that some Christians do, and those who do have really hurt people with d.i.d. by ‘exorcising’ the alters instead of helping them to heal and move toward group integration.

      Sam

      Reply

  2. flowerofthewoods
    Apr 19, 2017 @ 18:09:18

    It’s nice to know that you’re still alive.

    Reply

  3. undercoverdid
    Apr 19, 2017 @ 21:10:10

    It’s great to see your update – sounds like you have been on quite a journey. I’ve had lots of changes as well and even starting to do some speaking to psychology students regarding DID :). I’m to the point of forging my own path. I hope you guys will continue to progress and heal your relationship.

    Reply

    • Sam Ruck
      Apr 20, 2017 @ 05:56:43

      Wow! I’m very happy for you. I dream of the day when my wife would be willing to share with others what we have accomplished in her healing, but she never seems to have interest in doing that like I do.
      Good luck to you!
      Sam

      Reply

  4. JB
    Oct 20, 2017 @ 07:55:46

    Hi Sam,
    same as you, am in early 50s, and got a DID husband, known for a year, been utterly horrible, scary, mind bending, destroying, cute, at times. Short (big time) of kindness and sympathy. Have had two recent insights-
    we all have alters, just undeveloped insiders at the other end of the DID continum. Need to get the one who loves your wife and provides endlessly to chat and listen to and compromise with the one who is fed up, angry and thinks you are wasting your life. Get them friendly. Not fighting. Big difference.
    Why are we so taken by the inside life of someone with DID? It’s like an addiction- because –
    my DHs kind, gentlemanly, funny, conforting alter turns up now and then, all sweet and clueless because he missed so much, it’s like playing slot machines, ie addictive.
    Because when I told my mum she said ” Oh yes, I’m like that too. Yesterday I was making your dad’s sandwiches and one of them said – go on, stick the cheese knife in him, here’s your chance!” Dear DID mum has been fighting with DID dad for years, I now realise, and once again when I visit it’s like Russian roulette, do I get lovely comfortable Persil mum, or jolly coffee shop mum, or the snidey one who tried to buy my young teenager daughter a can of Monster!! Mum has been joking about killing dad for years, I thought she just had a black sense of humour (think he’s reasonably safe LOL!)
    Because DID people are just more attractive because they are generally more talented and a little bit supernatural. I can now spot famous actors talking in more than one voice, spotted a naughty younger alter burping when a famous very handsome male actor was on Loose Women the other day.
    As above, DID people generally more thrilling and give a bit of a high other people don’t provide. Bit of hit, keeps us on a bit of high, I think. Roller-coasters come to mind.
    PS when you here more than one person talking at once (and in my case sometimes Pogles from Pogles Wood) are you just not a little bit freaked out?????
    As you are obviously not a cereal killer and I am definitely not, would it be rude to ask if you would like to meet up in a safe public place somewhere (I am on the south coast underneath London and slightly towards east).
    DID – hair raising stuff, you have my best wishes and complete and utter empathy ( and a free cappuccino, not much but very kindly meant, in an alter and teenager free civilised coffee shop) Not problems if not, as understand you need to be safety conscious. I will just be slightly crushed!!
    So sorry you are not getting to enjoy this stage in your life, maybe we could give each other some useful advice. Hope everything is a good as it can be and you are reasonably happy.
    Very best wishes from JB.

    Reply

    • Sam Ruck
      Oct 20, 2017 @ 08:58:54

      Hi JB,
      thank you for the long and thoughtful comment. As this was a lot more personal, be aware I also have an email set up for this blog that people use when they want to discuss things privately. It’s samruck2 at gmail dot com, but feel free to contact me either place if you would like to continue communicating. It’s one of the things I enjoy most about the blog: connecting with others on a personal level who find themselves in the same situation.

      As for the invite to meet up: I do truly appreciate it…sadly I live ‘across the pond’ in the Midwest of the U.S. I’ve never been to the U.K. though my wife and I hope to see some of Europe next year for our 30th anniversary. I hope the U.K. will ‘make the cut’ when we decide our itinerary.

      I completely agree with you that all of us have ‘alters’. I’ve been calling the rest of us “un-dissociated multiples’ for a while and it’s clear when people switch internally and though they may not be technically ‘dissociated’ I think MOST people are highly ‘compartmentalized’ and not at all integrated. I think it’s why we see so much immaturity in the adult populations of humanity, and it’s a little sad to me, but I was the same until I HAD to grow up and get myself together so that I could be a good healing partner for my wife.

      Again, thanks for visiting my blog and taking time for the long comment. If you want to continue communicating, I’d be happy to do so either on this blog or at the email I gave you.
      Sam

      Reply

  5. JB
    Oct 20, 2017 @ 08:01:32

    Sorry ‘hear’ not ‘here’. I love writing, good responses from publishers, I am so going to write that book. Used to read that book to my class all the time, green eggs and ham are good for me 😀

    Reply

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