Lying and Dissociative Identity Disorder

My wife and I have been on the healing journey from her dissociative identity disorder for 7 years. I’ve had a lot to learn as I’ve helped her heal in the trenches. And my time on wordpress began to expand my knowledge of the disorder as I saw how it affected the lives of others, too.

One of the women that I follow on wordpress did a recent entry in which she talked about how the mental health professionals she had sought help from had repeatedly disbelieved what she had told them. I was saddened and upset that the experts who should have been her advocate, instead treated her like a liar and denigrated her experience in spite of the evidence of trauma that they clearly noted.

And yet there is a component of dissociative identity disorder that may foster lies and exaggerations. If those of us who are helping don’t understand this aspect of the disorder, we could end up as damaging to our loved ones as those in this lady’s life were.

Before I enter into the subject of lying and d.i.d. I want to state that I would guess (as I only have real-life experience with my wife) it is rare for trauma victims to be perpetual liars about their past trauma or about how d.i.d. manifests itself in their lives. The trauma survivors I read on wordpress are clearly not narcissists! They find it shameful and horrifying that such things happened to them. There’s usually a part of them, often the host, who would do anything in the world to NOT believe what happened to them. They often wish the disorder and the telltale symptoms would simply go away. I could write so much more, but will leave it at this: I highly doubt people with d.i.d. are habitual liars in general especially when they are in a safe and loving environment.

However, there is a component of d.i.d. that fosters lying under certain conditions, and I want to discuss that so that we who help won’t hinder the healing process.

The first thing to remember is that d.i.d. develops in an environment of extreme physical, emotional or sexual abuse when a child is very young. This disorder arises as an abused child desperately tries to cope with massive, repeated trauma. Moreover, the victim will try to develop strategies to protect as much of his/her psyche as possible. Therefore, if lying is seen as a way to mitigate or escape punishment and abuse, the child may choose to lie rather than suffer more trauma. So a trauma victim can learn from an early age that lying is valid way to escape negative consequences. This doesn’t mean he/she will be a perpetual liar, but it does mean if things feel unsafe to a person with d.i.d., this habit may get triggered into action.

The second thing to remember is until a significant amount of healing has occurred, most people in the system will not be able to share memories with each other. So for an outsider like me, I can’t expect my interactions with one girl to be remembered by another. This is not lying. Until the dissociative walls come down, I have to treat each person in the system as I would physically different people who have their own set of experiences and memories. However, this understanding is often unavailable to all but the closest companions of one with d.i.d as it seems rare for someone with d.i.d. to ‘out’ her/himself in general.

The third thing I learned while helping my wife is maybe someone in the system simply wants to be believed no matter how outlandish a tale she tells. When Amy first came out, she used to tell me that she had been a spy in Europe for a time. At first I tried to refute her, but I finally decided to validate her and asked her to tell me more about it…and that was the last time she ever brought it up. I’m still not sure what to think about her proclamation as it was not typical of any of the girls or even of Amy in general. Maybe after a lifetime of being disbelieved, Amy had a need for someone to believe IN HER no matter what she told them. Maybe being a spy was simply a childhood game of imagination, and Amy wanted me to play along and not be an old fart. Or maybe it was a real memory wrapped up in the symbolic terms a child could understand. Whatever it was, it was important to Amy that I believe her without an explanation, and I was willing to be that kind of a person for her.

And lastly it’s important to understand that until each insider feels completely safe with an outsider, the rules of silence and secrecy may not allow him/her to tell the truth, or at least the entire truth. We on the outside do not have the right to expect any information that is not freely given. We must be willing to prove ourselves to be a safe and trustworthy person to each one in the system. That’s where I am right now with Jenny: my relationship with the other 7 girls did NOT earn me a pass with her. I must earn her trust just as I did the others.

As I read A’s blog entry and the comments past therapists had made about her, I was upset by the tone in those comments. I have learned enough about how our memories work to not make a big deal out of specifics and particulars. Only Tina in my wife’s system network shared many of her memories from the abuse with me: those memories were scant on details and mostly focused on some of the major lies and threats he told her and how she perceived herself as a result. A’s therapist seemed concerned about details and inconsistencies as if A’s memories were on trial. But my attitude was to validate whatever memories Tina shared and then work with her to change how those memories affected her self-perception today. When the evidence of trauma is overwhelming as it was to A’s therapists and to me for my girls, to get hung up on particulars and inconsistencies shows an incredibly naïve view of what is important. The trauma events in the past can rarely be proven ‘beyond a shadow of a doubt.’ What our focus as healing companions ought to be is changing the current self-perceptions that arise from those memories not whether the memories are perfectly accurate or not.

Another concern I had with the comments A’s therapists from the past had made may arise from our differences in self-perception: I kind of felt like the comments were rather arrogant and demeaning to the lady. A therapist spends a lifetime being treated as an expert in his/her particular area of expertise. And after being treated that way for so long, any person will begin to believe in his/her elevated opinions. But as a husband I have to live with the realities of a reciprocal relationship with my wife. Only Shelly out of the 8 girls in my wife’s system has told me, “I think you are perfect.” (I tell her to be sure the other girls hear her!) But the rest of the girls have a more realistic view of me. They know my faults and foibles. And so even though I have gained a lot of confidence in the last 7 years as I have learned to help them heal, I still approach them as equals. And they keep me humble any time I think my opinions and suggestions should be accepted by them more gratefully, lol.

And though A’s post didn’t talk about this, I have repeatedly seen on blogs where a therapist will categorize a patient as uncooperative if they don’t do what the therapist dictates. But I try not to make the girls feel trapped or cornered by me when I am trying to help them. By that I mean I don’t want them to feel obligated to accept my suggestions or help. To do so in the beginning would have potentially elicited evasion or deception from the girls because I was still proving what kind of a person I would be to them. In the beginning the girls couldn’t separate if they felt trapped by me from how they were trapped by their abusers in the past. So I tried to make it clear that the girls were never under obligations to do what I suggested, and there would be no consequences to our loving relationship when they refused my help or suggestions. Even now I must be careful never to be coercive in my desire to see them healed. My intentions may be noble, but I must wait upon each girl to decide for herself what course of action she will take as she heals.

In conclusion these are my suggestions to those who are helping their loved one heal from past trauma:

1) Validate whatever memories they may choose to share. Our job is not to look for inconsistencies like a trial lawyer. Our role is to be possibly one of the first people to believe in our loved ones when their primary caregivers from childhood obviously were AWOL or worse. Even if the claim is outlandish like Amy’s was about being a spy, what does that matter? I would rather err on the side of believing my spouse than prove that I’m just one more person that feels she is a liar.

2) Validate whatever feelings they may share. If they say, “I wish I were dead.” “I feel like a worthless piece of shit.” “I hate myself.” or whatever vile or self-deprecatory thing may come out of their mouths, don’t negate those feelings. We are NOT helping by negating how they feel. In fact, I will argue that those feelings are perfectly reasonable in light of the hell our loved ones had to endure as vulnerable children. Wouldn’t you want to die if you had to suffer repeated abuse with no hope of escape? Did not their abusers treat them like ‘a worthless piece of shit”? And self-hatred is completely rational when the child was the object of such hatred by his/her abusers. And so when we contradict their feelings or downplay them, we show ourselves to be obtuse and unsympathetic to the realities of the abuse.

Instead of saying, “I’m glad you aren’t dead!” say “I’m sorry you hurt so badly it hurts to keep living” while you give them a hug. Instead of saying, “You aren’t a worthless piece of shit to me” say “I’m sorry that the things in your past make you feel that way” as you offer to do something you know he/she appreciates. Instead of saying, “Well I don’t hate you!” say “I know you do, but I love you and am glad you are a part of my life.” We must learn to validate the feelings of our loved ones which they have based on the past, and then give them a reason to reevaluate their feelings and self-perceptions based upon their current experience of the loving relationship they have with us.

3) Affirm that your love and relationship will remain the same no matter how they respond to your efforts to help them. Right now I am trying to help multiple girls with multiple issues to keep them moving forward. Progress is always slower with them than I wish. They are slow to change and cautious because the trauma in the past taught them that sudden changes could bring dire consequences. So I try to affirm that I will love them no matter how they choose to respond to my suggestions. I know exactly how difficult it is to maintain a healthy and stable relationship when one person has d.i.d., and yet the stability or lack thereof will directly affect this entire area of lying and truthfulness and our loved one’s ability to heal from the past and move forward.

Honesty, lies, memories, trustworthiness. It gets kind of messy because of how dissociative identity disorder takes hold in a person’s life. Sometimes there are lies when a person in the system will fall back to past strategies for avoiding negative consequences. Sometimes there are inconsistencies because one person in the system will not know what another person did. And there might even be exaggerations or fabrications if someone in the system wants to ‘prove’ whether their healing companion truly is safe and if she/he believes in them no matter what the facts are. So our place is simply to believe in the ones we love and make them feel safe above all else. They need to know that we believe them when possibly everyone from their childhood didn’t. They need to know that we believe them when even many experts today don’t understand what is going on.


Sam, I Am


50 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Andi
    Aug 12, 2015 @ 21:47:27

    Excellent post! This is all so important and I wish the whole world understood this.


  2. lazarusandlithium
    Aug 12, 2015 @ 21:48:18

    Reblogged this on Lazarus and Lithium and commented:
    Beautifully written!


  3. luverley
    Aug 13, 2015 @ 04:01:44

    Thanks Sam for writing this. Makes me cry cos i long for someone to understand and believe me. brooke 7


    • Sam Ruck
      Aug 13, 2015 @ 14:43:45

      Hi Brooke,

      I’m honored that Luverley allowed you to post here. I’m sorry you have no one in your life who understands and believes you. Maybe if people will share this post it will help other ‘outsiders’ like me understand better so we can help and be safer people for those in a d.i.d. system network.



      • luverley
        Aug 13, 2015 @ 14:48:04

        We did share it Thank you Sam. I want to give it to her husband but i don’t know how. He doesn’t believe in us still. When he found out about us wanting to kill her he put us in the hospital. It was only cos nobody knew we here except her and t and we were sad. brooke

      • Sam Ruck
        Aug 13, 2015 @ 15:43:09

        Oh Brooke, I am so very, very sorry for his attitude. I wrote a poem (I think it’s at the top of this page in the Poetry tab) that starts, “The happiest day in my life is when, another girl enters my life…” I hope when I get my girls thru this journey, maybe we will get the chance to help other couples who are struggling and hurting, and definitely EVERYONE in the system network would be welcome. I’m sorry you felt the need to hurt Luverley just get someone to recognize and validate your existence. Any of you are welcome on this blog as long as everyone is in agreement. I’ve been accused in the past of targeting littles, so I need to be careful to avoid anything that might be misread, but if you need someone else to recognize that you are real and important, I would always treat you that way here.


      • luverley
        Aug 13, 2015 @ 16:11:43

        Thank you Sam i am. I like that name. The husband asked if we love him anymore and some of us don’t and now she doesn’t know what to do because parts do and he said it was OK to break up. It’s such a tough time so glad your wife has you.

      • Sam Ruck
        Aug 13, 2015 @ 16:20:33

        D.I.D. is so unfair to everyone. It took me a long time to figure out what was happening and how to help and it still hurts me a lot and it still hurts my girls a lot. I’m sorry Luverley and the husband are hurting too. My heart goes out to each of you.


      • luverley
        Aug 13, 2015 @ 16:22:36

        Thank you. Yes I’m sure he is hurting but i don’t know how to help him. We’ve tried telling him we care about him. I just don’t know if i can say I’m in love with him because parts of me hate him. Thanks for writing and sharing. It helps us. X

      • Sam Ruck
        Aug 14, 2015 @ 00:26:14

        My wife’s disorder is still extremely painful for me to live with. There are parts of me that HATE what it does to me. And then there are parts of me that still love my wife and girls in spite of all the pain we have both endured for 27 years. I don’t know that I would say I’m ‘in love’ with my wife, and yet I deeply love her and my hope is that if I can help her thru the healing process, maybe she’ll be able to care for me in the ways she never has been able to because of the d.i.d. and then I’ll fall back ‘in love’ with her.

        I wish therapists would actively help the spouses and partners of the one with d.i.d because there’s so much going on for both people in the relationship, and it took me a really long time and a whole heck of a lot of journaling before I was able to work thru all that stuff on my own. So I can’t tell you that our situation is like yours, but I can relate. And I do wish you both the best.


      • luvlee
        Aug 14, 2015 @ 00:30:38

        Thank you very much

      • Sam Ruck
        Aug 14, 2015 @ 00:38:45

        Sorry, I was pretty sure I wasn’t still talking to Brooke, but not sure who it was.

        You’re welcome. If your/the husband would consider talking with me, I’d be happy to try to help him, if I can. There are a number of old posts on my blog that describe how I still struggle with the fallout from this disorder. It stinks for me; it stinks for my wife and my girls. So I certainly don’t have it ‘all under control’ but each day I fight the battle to keep us together and moving forward.


      • luvlee
        Aug 14, 2015 @ 00:40:08

        I could share with him at some stage but even the other day he said we might break up. I don’t know I’m not having a very good time right now sorry im a bit jumbled

  4. OhMyLort
    Aug 13, 2015 @ 11:45:05

    How I wish I could post this everywhere so people could see this!! I, myself, have to deal with these kinds of situations daily, and I feel it’s so important to recognize each point you made. I can do nothing other than thank you for being a person like this in your wife’s life. This is wonderfully written, thank you.


    • Sam Ruck
      Aug 13, 2015 @ 15:28:29

      thanks so much for visiting my blog. I do think this issue is one of the more important ones I’ve addressed lately. The inspiration I got for this entry from Andi’s blog, that kind of stuff breaks my heart, and it’s scandalous that the mental health experts should invalidate and defame those who come to them for help because of the ignorance of how this disorder works.



  5. mrmarshall03
    Aug 13, 2015 @ 12:53:46

    Sam, it is amazing when I am looking for answers and praying to understand more about how to help my wife. You post with exactly what I need to understand. Thank you.


    • Sam Ruck
      Aug 13, 2015 @ 15:44:24

      Hi Mr. Marshall,

      it’s always good to hear from you. You are in my thoughts. I’m glad this helped you in some way to understand your situation better.



  6. AlterXpressions
    Aug 14, 2015 @ 16:11:50

    Hi Sam,

    Thank you for writing this post. All of us have great respect for you and the courage you have for speaking out in support of DID.

    Alter Xpressions System


  7. flowerofthewoods
    Aug 16, 2015 @ 16:42:17

    I have personally watched good people be destroyed by false accusations of sexual abuse, and the effects lasted long after the woman who made them admitted to lying. I have also personally watched someone fake a mental illness and receive the diagnosis he wanted from multiple doctors — despite openly talking about what he was doing.

    So, I’m inclined to say that a healthy dose of skepticism is called for. While I can’t imagine wanting to be chronically ill and frequently hospitalized, someone with Munchhausen’s will do anything to have just that — it stands to reason that the same behaviors also pop up in matters of mental health and abuse.

    Mind you, I am against the whole practice of therapy to begin with, so I’m not saying that the way therapists treat their patients is good or even acceptable. I just don’t want to live in the sort of society where all you need to do is point a finger to get someone convicted of a crime.


    • Sam Ruck
      Aug 17, 2015 @ 16:57:24

      Hi Flower,

      Thanks for stopping by. If someone seems intent in taking accusations beyond the 4 walls of a therapy session, then I agree that some skepticism is appropriate. But I think our culture regularly blames the victims and looks for reasons to continue denying that this kind of abuse could occur, and so I think Andi’s experience was all too typical showing that it’s easier to call her crazy and demean and slander her. I hope that what I wrote might make people pause and think before they call someone ‘crazy’ or a ‘liar’ and then write off everything they say. Safety is a key issue. I went back and read some of Andi’s other entries that she linked and she admitted to using half truths as a way to test people and situations. Sadly many abuse victims find they are NOT safe when they reach out for help and so they are put in an untenable position of telling the truth and suffering worse for it, or just keeping their silence as the abuse continues.



      • flowerofthewoods
        Aug 18, 2015 @ 12:56:13

        I vividly remember being told that my abusive situation was my fault for not “just leaving,” a few years ago, and I know that many children are treated with similar callousness — I can’t recall a single instance of trying to reach out in my childhood, because I saw all adults as threatening. I get it. In many ways, the isolation and distrust surrounding those times has caused me more damage than the abuse itself. The fact that there actually are people out there who lie about abuse is immensely hurtful to those who genuinely experience it.

        I know that therapists deal with a wide range of mental illnesses without any special mind reading powers that lets them easily determine who has what. They’ve also got their own egos, emotions, and social pressure from their colleagues, influencing what they think and do. It’s a giant mess that I’ve chosen to keep myself out of entirely for some very good reasons.

      • Sam Ruck
        Aug 18, 2015 @ 16:21:16

        Hi Flower,

        it’s definitely a mess, and for the same reason I will do whatever it takes to keep my wife out of the system after reading what so many ladies endure.

        I agree that the ones who lie about abuse then make it twice as hard for the real victims to get heard.


  8. theoldfellowgoesrunning
    Sep 10, 2015 @ 10:09:40

    Thank you for sharing Sam. The validation and affirmation would be HUGE. This is something we all crave for, but with someone living with D.I.D. it would be all the more.


  9. livingintraining
    Nov 18, 2015 @ 15:06:44

    We do not lie. We omit. We do not tell entire stories. It isn’t that we aren’t being truthful, it is that the truth could potentially retraumatize us, or if we are in a situation where information is being used against us (so often we end up with narcissistic sociopaths), we could get hurt. We omit. We do not lie.


    • Sam Ruck
      Nov 19, 2015 @ 06:53:02

      Thanks for stopping by my blog. My wife/girls are the same. They omit, not lie. I just try to be a safe person for them when they are ready to share.


  10. Learning To Love The Ride
    Jan 13, 2016 @ 08:40:09

    Hi Sam

    Excellent post.

    From my experience, I would comment:
    1.) When the initial abuse occurred, the abuser probably repeatedly instructed the child to ‘keep it a secret’, and not tell anyone, anything. This would set up a pattern where a person in authority forced a vulnerable child to lie. Eventually, it became second nature to them.
    2.) This ties up with your second point: each Alter is an individual and until any significant work is done with the D.I.D, there will be immense gaps in each personality’s memory. In order to fill these gaps, rather than say, “I can’t remember”, the personality tries to develop a rational, consistent timeline to their life. They make up stories to fill the stories they don’t have, but know they should have.

    Take care. Brett


  11. Micah
    Feb 01, 2017 @ 09:17:08

    Thank you for the useful information in your blog. I understand and agree with the just being there as a trusted source even when you know what she is telling you isn’t true, BUT what do you do when the lies revolve around her cheating on you? If she is cheating and getting caught in lies like not being home at night and not wanting to admit it, then what? I can’t just turn my head to that?


    • Sam Ruck
      Feb 01, 2017 @ 10:23:49

      Hi Micah,

      so does your SO have d.i.d.? That’s the first question. If so, like I said in this blog entry, ‘lying’ is a little more complicated. I’m not suggesting you excuse the behavior, but if she has d.i.d. then the person who is denying the cheating and other things, literally may not have knowledge of what the other one is doing.

      As far as the cheating and other things, like I said, I wouldn’t excuse them, but if you plan to stay in the relationship there are other things I would do…like reaching out to the person who IS doing the cheating and other things. When my wife’s insiders joined me on the outside, I immediately began to reach out to them and make it clear that each girl was important to me and her needs were important to me as well. I tried to make sure she felt loved and satisfied with ME so that she didn’t feel the need to find that love and satisfaction with someone else. Yes, it’s a little tiring to essentially court and woo 8 different girls in my wife’s case, but that’s what I did and so far none of them have run around on me.

      Again, you know your situation and what you are able and willing to do, but if you plan to stay in the relationship, I hope you can get past the pain of the cheating and reach out to the person who is actually doing it while understanding the person denying it literally may have no knowledge of it at this point.

      It’s messy, I know. I am truly sorry for your situation and wish you the best,


  12. Micah
    Feb 01, 2017 @ 10:45:44

    Thank so for your prompt response Sam. Not completely certain she has D.I.D. But she did say a therapist indicated she may have multiple personality disorder. She was molested as a child my her father and her step father. I have looked the way and didn’t push the other lies but am pretty sure she is cheating on me. Is it typical for D.I.D to act out sexually? How do you know which identity your talking to? How do you invite them out or communicate with the one cheating? Is there really that much of a barrier where all identities can’t remember something like cheating? Thank you! Last question is where can I read more about this?


    • Sam Ruck
      Feb 01, 2017 @ 11:04:09

      D.I.D. is the new name for multiple personality disorder…

      As for sexually acting out, it is not uncommon among many sexual abuse survivors, not just those with d.i.d. It’s kind of like re-enacting the abuse and the alter who does it is kind of trapped in a ‘time loop’ to use modern vernacular, if you are familiar with the term. My wife never did this, but that’s not a judgment upon you necessarily if you have been kind and loving to her…sometimes it’s just how the abuse works in various people until it gets healed…

      It takes time to meet the various people in the system. My wife’s girls came out a few at a time. The first one took me a long time of gently engaging her. Here is a blog entry I wrote about it:

      As for the ‘barriers’ yes, that is the crux of ‘dissociative’ identity disorder, the various ‘identities’ literally are ‘dissociated’ from each other or ‘separated’ to use a more common term. All people can compartmentalize things in our lives, but someone with d.i.d. takes compartmentalization to a whole new level where communication between the various alters is literally impossible until there is healing. Now that’s not to say that ALL the alters are separated. 5 of the girls in my wife’s system had limited contact with each from the start. But for the other 3 it took a lot of healing and work, and I’m still working with the last girl who is unable to communicate with the others.



  13. Marcus Jones
    Jun 30, 2017 @ 04:01:40

    I know I’m really late and I hope you see this comment. I recently started dating this girl a couple months ago. It’s a long-distance relationship and she has d.i.d. She’s 19 and I’m 23. She’s told me different things about her being raped when she was younger and recently being raped several times by an ex boyfriend. I just feel confused because one minute everything is great. We talk on the phone and stuff and I plan to go visit her in a couple months. We’ve also made plans to move to Florida together at the beginning of next year. At times she’s very attentive and affectionate, but then their are times where I won’t hear from her for a whole day and if I do it’s barely anything at all. When she doesn’t text or call, she always has some kind of story (such as being in the hospital, her sister hurting her and her family mistreating her). I’ve talked to some of her family members and they all say she is never mistreated and that she’s just a habitual liar. They confirm the d.i.d but it still seems to me that she makes up a lot of stories and is very distant sometimes. She also (I think) texts me pretending to be different people like her ex, this woman she calls mom and a few others. I’m just wondering if this is normal behavior for someone with d.i.d or if I should just cut my losses and move on. I don’t want to lose her because when she’s being herself she’s really loving and caring. She’s a great person and I just wanted to learn more about the condition and see if it’s worth pursuing because I think she is someone I could really see a future with. Thanks for any help and advice you or anyone else can give.



    • Sam Ruck
      Jun 30, 2017 @ 06:09:45

      Hi Sam,

      is her behavior ‘normal’? Well…it doesn’t have to be. When we found out that my wife had d.i.d. I made a concerted effort to meet any of the girls who wanted to meet me. And once I met them, I made an effort to establish a relationship with each girl. You can read all about the things I did on the earlier entries of this blog or the theory behind in the Attachment drop down.

      But back to ‘is it normal’? I think it is typical because most people don’t engage everyone in the system like I did (some do, I’m not unique!). A lot of what you are experiencing are defensive actions to protect various ones in the system who have been hurt by others in the past…so they won’t trust you unless you are willing to prove yourself to be trustworthy. It’s not fair to you, but that’s probably some of what’s going on.

      Living with and loving someone who has d.i.d. is hard. I’m not going to sugar coat it. You could ‘cut your losses’ and save yourself a lot of heartache especially if you aren’t willing to be part of the healing process…and that takes time. Again I’ve laid out how I’ve walked the healing path with my wife/my girls. And though this is the hardest thing I’ve ever done, parts of it have been delightful, fantastic, rewarding, and I’ve become the kind of man that I aspired to be when I was younger. But if you move forward with her, you need to understand it won’t be a ‘normal’ relationship, but it still can be loving and good. I’d encourage you to read more of my blog if you have time. I talk about some of the hard things, and also about the ways I reached out to the others in the system. Use the ‘site index’ at the top to search for specific topics. Make an informed decision whichever way you decide.

      Edit: as for her family’s reaction…that would be a redflag to me, not toward her but toward them. IF she has d.i.d., THEN she was indeed mistreated…HORRIBLY. D.I.D. doesn’t happen in a vacuum, and whether her family was abusive or simply were so neglectful of her (like my wife’s family was of my wife) that they allowed the abuse to happen…it sounds like you aren’t going to get any help from them…just like I got no help from either of our families when we started this healing journey 9 years ago.


  14. Different-kind-of-outcast
    Oct 07, 2017 @ 13:40:12

    First time in the years ive been online posting a comment. Sam your wife is very lucky. I didnt believe before this post that there was anyone besides my therapist (after a few of em) that could understand it the way he does. To see you understand it so well and even know what to say is unbelievable. Your truly blessed with this gift of clarity and i applaud you for your hard work. I know how hard it could be because i see what i do to my therapist. But to see a guy like you gives me so much hope. The way you push through and have worked hard not to take things personally and too just believe her. Wow. Im floored. Ive seen skilled therapists and psychiatrists who have lifted their hands up in despair even after acknowledging my DID. I honestly have no words. You are fantastic and she is very lucky. Very lucky. I wish i find someone like you. Please just answer one question-does she also forget so much im reffering to normal stuff people dont forget. It kills me. I looked over my college schedule so many times to make sure i dont forget and i still just believed i started at a different hour than it said. Does this happen to her too? Thank you for this. Its given me so much hope. Wow. Someone could understand.


    • Sam Ruck
      Oct 09, 2017 @ 13:15:01

      Hi D.K.o.O,

      Sorry I didn’t get back to you more quickly. My wife and I just got back from vacation this morning, and so I’m trying to catch up on my emails.

      I’m not completely sure I understand your question, and so if I don’t answer what you wanted, please tell me and I’ll try again… Are you asking about ‘time loss’ issues?

      If so, what I provide for ALL the girls in the system is a bench mark so to speak. 7 of the 8 girls can communicate with each other, and so there is minimal time loss between those 7, but I am still working to connect girl #8 (Jenny) to the others. But when one of the 7 switch out with Jenny or vice versa, sometimes they ask me what they missed, and so I give them a quick rundown and then we go on. Sometimes the girls are disappointed they missed something and so I’ll try to go back and ‘re-do’ the event with them. On our vacation I spent the second week of our cruise just watching all the recent shows that came out earlier this year with Jenny because she allowed the 7 to watch them in the theater at the original time of release: Fate of the Furious, SpiderMan, WonderWoman, Pirates of the Caribbean.

      I think because they can come to me and ask what they missed, they all take the time loss as a ‘frustrating’ issue, but it doesn’t seem to be a huge issue like it is with so many who have d.i.d. Plus I have fostered an attitude of respect between ALL the girls, and so they try to listen to each other and take turns. Even between Jenny and the other 7 there is some kind of ‘subconscious’ communication which I mentioned in one of my more recent posts, and so they seem to know what the various girls ‘need’ and make time allowances for it.

      Lastly, my wife may not be in college, but as much as Jenny HATES leaving the house, she is very careful to respect the appointments that the other 7 girls make with their friends and social activities. In fact for the last 2 years, Jenny is typically the one who will dress everyone and do their hair and makeup before she goes inside to allow the other girls to take over…even while she, Jenny, will complain to me and express her desire to stay home saying, “Why do they always want to leave the house!?”

      I hope this answers your question.


  15. Hazel
    Nov 02, 2017 @ 00:52:40

    I have a question. Someone that I’ve know since i was little (We’ve known each other for 8 years now), started saying that a year ago that he has d.i.d. I would always be around him because we are close friends, but I would only, out of the 8 years that I’ve known him, seen one personality and his personality hasn’t changed at all. It bugs me because I know that he was either misdiagnosed or that he is lying and I HATE liars. One of the reasons why I know that he is lying is because, 1. he has a good family 2. he got his own debit card when he was in middle school 3. he gets new expensive stuff every single week 4. he never had any physical abuse 5. he has a normal life with siblings and loving parents 6. I’ve only seen him with one personality 7. he says that he takes medication, but (medication helps only with depression, which he doesn’t have.) I just had it one day with his lies because we had a little fight over something stupid and he asked me to name one time that he lied and I said the fact that he was lying about his disorder. He also told our other friends about his disorder as well, but nobody that he told believed him. He said that he does have the disorder and I asked him why I never see him with any other personality and he responded by saying that he hides his other personalities all the time (btw his other “personalities” are all anime characters because we both watch anime.) and he says that he takes medication for it, which the medication can only help with depression, which he doesn’t have. The bell rang before I can respond and I went to my seat pissed at him, but I eventually dropped it. The next day I went to say hi to him, he still kept on bugging me about it and he is seriously getting on my nerves about it. I told him that no one believed him and he just responded saying that I have no proof that it is a lie and that pissed me off because he has no proof that it is true.
    I don’t know what to do now and I just want other peoples opinions on this because I want to know that if he really has d.i.d, if he is lying, or if his therapist thought wrong and that he was misdiagnosed. I want to fix my relationship with him because I can’t stand liars and I care for him and I find it an insult to get sympathy and pity especially when there is people out there who actually have disorders like me….. can someone please help me?


    • Sam Ruck
      Nov 02, 2017 @ 06:08:36

      Hi Hazel,

      I wish there was an easy answer. My wife had d.i.d. her entire life and came from a VERY normal, upper middle class family. I was married to her for 20 years before we finally realized she had d.i.d. MOST people who have d.i.d. do everything they can to hide it. The disorder, at its foundation, is developed to HIDE the trauma that the person suffered from him/herself and from the rest of the world. But that doesn’t mean there aren’t any people who are willing to display it.

      I do understand there’s a movement out there where people pretend to have disorders to gain attention. Maybe that’s what is going on with your friend. I don’t know. But if he wants attention, that may point to a deeper need that you are unaware of. If people looked at my wife and I from the outside, we would appear the MOST normal couple you ever met. In fact, from the outside, we have one of the most affectionate and loving marriages around and I have had relatives ask me to teach their husbands to treat them better. And my wife is one of the most beautiful and put together women in our local church. They see NOTHING of the pain and sacrifice that I go through to help her heal every night.

      So all I can suggest for you and your friend is…can you be his friend regardless of this claim? He may be deeply hurting and think claiming to have d.i.d. is the way to get some sympathy. He may be immature and not realize this isn’t ok. His motivations could be any of a number of things that not even he fully understands. But I do know this, until I accepted my for who she was and where she was, she never let me past her defenses and into her inner world. I had to learn to live in HER world so that I could help her and gently guide her out of that pain and into a more healthy place. But I do realize I made a much deeper and more permanent commitment to her than you have to him. Only you can decide the level of commitment you are willing to make to him.

      I wish you well.


    • Learning To Love The Ride
      Nov 02, 2017 @ 06:47:04

      Hi Hazel

      Unfortunately, none of us really know your friend so we can’t diagnose him for you, and give you the assurance you need.

      Socioeconomic status is not a definitive cause of D.I.D. The two may be linked in a not-so-significant way but no studies that I am aware of link D.I.D itself directly to socioeconomic status.

      One thing I can say is that people do things for a reason – plain and simple. When you understand that, you can begin to try and understand why it is that your friend is acting the way he is. It may just be a game to him, or it may be an indication of a much more serious problem; a problem that he doesn’t want to talk about directly.

      Then, as Sam says, you have to decide if that is acceptable to you. No-one has the right to make judgement of you, as long as you are happy with your choice.

      If you want some specific things you can do to move the process on, let me know, and I’ll give you some ideas.

      Good luck… Brett


  16. Hazel
    Nov 02, 2017 @ 10:22:43

    Hi Brett and Sam,
    Thank you guys much. I feel like I understand my friend a little bit more now 🙂 It is tough to try and hide something important…..I will talk to him today about it and I hope that he will open up to me….I care about him a lot, so I hope that he will end up opening up to me and that things will be like before, except we have a stronger bond. 😀
    And again….thank you!
    -Hazel 🙂


  17. Bruce
    Feb 04, 2018 @ 05:51:56

    Hi Sam,
    I am so pleased to have found your blog, it is opening my eyes to my lady’s struggles (and my own). I have done a lot of reading in the past week, but cannot seem to find a situation exactly like ours. Hopefully you or your readers can shed some light with suggestions.

    My lady, who I will call M, has an alt I will call C (mature & child). We have been in a long distance relationship for two years, during which we’ve spent 20+ weeks together when she either flew to be with me, or I visited her and stayed in her home with her and kids.

    Just to fill in, she had a very disturbing childhood devoid of love and affection. I don’t know if it included sexual assault, but would be very surprised if it did not.

    I knew something was wrong, but it wasn’t until this week that I actually met and found out about her Alt “C”.

    Memory loss had been alluded too, but not out rightly mentioned. Even her adult kids have never spoken to nor know of C’s real existence, they just refer to Momma as being lost when C appears. Being Thai, they believe she has a bad spirit who comes out some times. They get scared when it happens, but love their momma big time regardless.

    Toward the end of my first conversation with C I received a very important call, so told her I would call back in 10 mins. It was 11 mins by which time M was back and completely normal.

    M was completely unaware that we’d been talking, and when I mentioned that C had introduced herself, she laughed and accused me of being on drugs… but I could see she was curious.

    Eventually she started thinking, then admitted that it did add up. We have discussed a few times, but I need to be very wary as the slightest thing can easily see M fighting to keep C at bay. Usually this ends up with panic and tears until she can find her pills… which it turns out were described by a mental health professional. Unfortunately in Thailand they seem to know nothing about DID.

    Last year we were engaged, the next day she flew back to her home. 36 hrs later she went on a 10 day holiday with another man under the pretext of work. I didn’t believe her, and when she returned she broke it off immediately I questioned her. A few days later I get a message from her family that she’s in hospital, so called her.

    There were complications with her health (and I had no proof of the affair) and we ended up back together.

    3 months ago I lucked on a secret social media account, and her affair”s” were confirmed. When fronted with this she refused to talk and broke off again. I blocked her, but 4-5 weeks ago she got a new phone number and sent me a message. We ended up back together again.

    This has all been a bit confusing for me, because previously there is no way in hell I”d have gone back to a woman who cheated on me, but I can’t seem to stay away from M. She is such a lovely caring women in so many ways.

    In the last 2-3 days I’ve had a couple of really long skype conversations with her Alt C, in fact she even instigated one of them… although i think it was M’s intention to do so, not realising C was about to appear.

    The first time C appeared was when M got upset about the fact that I’d slept with another women while we were broken up. She asked me why, I replied because she’d done it to me (I didn’t realise that she was DID). She denied this, then C appeared.

    Initially she didn’t introduce herself, but as M more fully receded into C she asked if i knew her name. When I called her M, she just smiled and shook her head. Realising something was wrong, I took a stab and referred to her by the pet name her father used when she was a little girl. I got an evil grin and head nod.

    C admits to being wicked and is a big trouble maker, she has openly said that she will break us up… told me that she’d “take this body and sleep with other men” so that I go away from M. She also admits to the affairs, and is quite proud of them

    M works hard and is doing well in her own business, but C says M is weak and that “she (C) will make more money by turning her into an escort girl” (she’s very attractive). This would break my heart, M has worked hard from nothing to get adult education, built a good life for her and the kids and owns her own properties.

    C sometimes seems to be conflicted, on one hand telling me that M will live alone but I am to visit as often as I want. Then soon after saying things like above. Then on the next hand says, I don’t like anyone “except you”.

    She tells me she is very old and sometimes seems adult, but at other times she is completely child like.

    The other problem is that when C appears, M completely loses this time. M has since opened up about times when she’s lost hrs, days and even on one occasion three weeks. Once she found herself in a shopping mall in her sleeping clothes, another time she woke up after travelling 7 hrs from home by bus. Many times she’s called her kids to come and get her when C has taken her out in the car, then she wakes up terrified, not knowing where she it.

    I’m told that her episodes have been particularly bad in recent weeks, to the point that her kids hide the car keys from her when they go to school and Uni. She’s not allowed to drive, but C doesn’t know or care about this.

    I feel there are other Alt’s who sit between M & C’s viewpoints, but M doesn’t refer to them, nor am I completely sure as yet.

    My questions are,
    1). Do I tell M about C’s threats?
    2). How do I reconcile/improve this situation.

    I want to go and live with or close to her, and M is happy about this, but C started causing havoc as soon as she realised.

    Any advice or suggestions on how to approach this are most welcome.



    • Sam Ruck
      Feb 05, 2018 @ 10:24:29

      Hi Bruce!
      thanks for stopping and taking the time to share and comment.

      It all depends on you, how I would answer your questions. Many SO’s do not do what I am willing to do…and their mates struggle as a result. But I’m not going to sugar coat it: what I do is ‘the hardest job you’ll ever love’ to quote the Peace Corps, and until I addressed my own issues, my own hurts and pains and how I reacted to the dysfunction and chaos that can, at times, consume the relationship as our mates heal, my help wasn’t nearly effective as it was after I figured out who I was and why I was willing to stay in the relationship. I’ve even got some entries in my blog titled that, if you use the ‘site index’ tab at the top to find the quick links to them.

      If you choose to do what I have, there’s so much you can do to engage C respectfully and slowly turn her from an adversary to an ally and maybe eventually, like I did with my wife’s defender, a girl who now wants to marry me. And there’s much you can do to mediate between C and M. I wrote how I ‘defused the anger of the defender’ which might be a place to start for you and C.

      As you read thru some of my blog, if you have specific questions, please feel free to keep asking questions here in the blog or privately at the gmail account I have listed on my about page.

      Take care,


  18. tlibj10
    Feb 27, 2018 @ 19:02:56

    thanks for your post, it gives me more motivated to stay with my close friend after I read your post. I feel much better now.


  19. Trackback: Warriors Invited To Raise Mental Health Awareness

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