An Update on Jenny

Well about 2 months ago I announced that we had an unexpected addition to my wife and marriage: Jenny. Since then I’ve been actively trying to establish a relationship with her in all the ways I did with the other girls. I have bought her various gifts to validate her importance to me and so that she can “have her own things”. It still amazes me how very important it is to each girl that she has things she can call her own. Jenny has repeatedly ‘asked’ (via pantomime) me about her various gifts to reassure herself that these truly are for her. But she shares them with the other girls just as they share their things with her.

Jenny’s entrance has not been without hardships. Because of the swooning issue we lost their Surface tablet to the bathtub shortly after she joined us. So I had to play mediator and stop the finger pointing. In the end they were happier with the replacement that I bought them. Then the very next week, we had a much larger incident, which I am not allowed to detail. That event forced me to redo the hallway in our upstairs and clean the carpets downstairs. It’s a renovation and task that have desperately needed done for many years. Karen has said that ‘other than the trauma’ from the incident, she’s happy that I finally was motivated to fix the hallway.

The swooning issue has caused us all some concern about letting any of them drive the car. So far we seem to be able to tell Jenny to ‘stay inside’ if Karen or the others are driving, but there’s a real fear of ‘what if she comes out’ unexpectedly? Can she drive? Would she panic and go back inside and swoon the body which undoubtedly would cause an accident? It’s a fear that is being magnified as my wife has to leave next week for Boston to help our son move back home. I was going to try to do it myself in a two-day marathon during the weekend, but the time-frame is such that without taking vacation days, I really can’t. Plus my wife and I don’t want to lose our few, precious vacation days unless absolutely necessary.

Her entrance has also put on hold some of the things we were doing to connect Amy and Shellie to Tina. That is a huge disappointment because I really thought we were getting close to expanding Tina’s world greatly on the inside. Tina is still separated from all the girls except her sister, Sophia. That needs to change!

As Jenny has moved outside the debilitating headaches that each girl caused initially are back. Unfortunately the headaches that Jenny’s arrival has caused have only been surpassed by those that Tina caused. My wife has spent the last 3 weeks lying on the couch or bed nearly unable to function. We hope that the duration will not be anything like Tina caused, or we could be looking at a full year of this. Only time will tell.

Another challenge with Jenny is that just like Tina initially, she is scared of me. So if I’m holding the other girls and Jenny pops out, she leaps away from me. When we are on the couch ‘together’ I’m not allowed to sit next to her. That’s a boundary I am actively working to make healthier as I started out having to sit on the floor while she was on the couch. Then I moved onto the near end of our L-shaped couch with one section between us. And now there’s only 10″-15” between us most days. She will still motion with her hand for me to scoot a little further away, and then I will move an inch or so. But we are making progress there.

Jenny is also challenged by her inability to speak. However, unlike Tina who still cannot speak without the help of her sister Sophia after being outside 3 ½ years, the part of the brain that Jenny controls has been working to give her the ability to speak. Just a few days ago she spoke a number of sentences to me on the level of Sophia. However, the stress of doing so causes her more headaches. So I’ve encouraged her to pace herself until her brain is able to accommodate the new ability without causing pain to everyone.

But for all the time and effort I have spent trying to connect with Jenny, I really don’t feel like I know who she is. Her inability to speak has certainly hampered that effort. I have yet to determine what her role was in the past, and how that will change and grow today. I’m pretty sure she was a support insider and did not experience any trauma directly as she has shown various signs of happiness and contentment that Amy, Alley, Sophia and Tina never did initially. But I’m just not sure what role my new, quiet friend did and will play in my wife’s network.

Anyway that’s how the last two months have been consumed for us. Julie has made tremendous progress, but it’s come at a big cost for everyone. It’s taxing me emotionally as I once again have to deal with a girl, a part of my wife, who is scared of me even though I did nothing wrong. I know it’s not me, and yet I have to bear the fallout from my wife’s trauma as usual. And our sex life has once again taken another hit, just when things were finally getting a tiny bit better, sigh.

And for the girls, the first 7, it’s been a huge blow. They were finally clicking and really learning to work together. The four littler girls were playing together and becoming friends and we had hoped to bring Tina into the larger group of the girls. Additionally, Tina has gone thru major, major withdrawals from monopolizing my time and affection like she has done the last 3 years. Now Jenny dominates the outside most of the nights while I am gone at work. And even when I’m home she is out at least half of the time. That’s time that the other girls ‘lose.’ It may be a common experience for those with d.i.d., but it’s an experience the 7 had largely overcome until Julie was added to the mix.

And today the headaches got so bad that I talked to Karen and suggested we pull back and slow down. I think Jenny is working too hard to move to the outside. Her part of the brain simply can’t handle the constant activity when it lay mostly dormant for more than 45 years. I need to help her pace herself to ease the headaches and also because the 7, especially Tina, hate, hate, hate being constantly locked up inside. We need to find that perfect balance. Rome wasn’t built in a day no matter how much we all wish to get to the finish line.

So that’s where we are. I hope things will start to get better as Jenny learns to talk and if I can overcome her fear of my presence. Plus we will soon have our son back with us, and he has always been a tremendous asset in the healing process for the girls.


Sam, I Am


3 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. luverley
    Jun 16, 2015 @ 22:50:12

    You must love your wife and the girls so much to be this supportive. I hope they all know they are very lucky to have you. It’s nice to get the update. Hope the move and vacation go well.


    • Sam Ruck
      Jun 16, 2015 @ 22:59:18

      When we first started this journey, I was told by some that we each had our ‘own’ journey. I rejected that Western idea of independence. Instead I see us as TOGETHER on this journey. So we struggle and fight together. It keeps the finger pointing down. Plus it motivates me to help them since we all benefit the more I can support them.

      Thanks for stopping by and thanks for the well wishes…



  2. Trackback: Anchoring Insiders to the Outside in Dissociative Identity Disorder | Loving My DID Girl(s)

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