Our Changing Journey

For the past 7 years my wife and I have been on a journey together to help her heal from dissociative identity disorder. But when I made a post about the United States of Tara last week and how our experience differed from it, I suddenly found myself in the middle of a firestorm over a comment I made. I was accused of being a pedophile and grooming other littles on wordpress for my nefarious intentions by a woman I once considered a good friend. So I switched this blog to private to give myself some time to think and consider where to go from there.

First, for any of you still willing to read this blog, let me state how disturbing I find the accusation of being a pedophile. My wife’s life and my life have been marred by the pedophile who abused her when she was 2 years old. To this day I cannot understand what could drive any person to find a toddler sexually attractive. Hell, at my age I’m having trouble seeing 20-year old “women” as anything but “she’s young enough to be my daughter.” But beyond that even though the little girls are part of my wife, they ALL know that they are completely safe with me. I have given the littlest girl, Sophia, hundreds of baths at this point without EVER doing more than give her a bath. Moreover, all of us are often naked together simply because we live together, and yet all of them know they are safe with me. They never worry that I would do something unsolicited with them.

As I read and re-read the accusations lodged against me, I realized that she is unable to understand the very real difference there is between a ‘little’ who is part of my wife and a child in body and spirit. However, with that stated, she and her followers did have a valid concern about how my About page reads when compared to our current reality. That About page is nearly 18 months old, and our journey has begun to radically change in the last year or so.

In the last year or so my girls have begun a major shift. Not only are they interacting with each other on a much deeper level but they are being set free from the Peter-Pan syndrome of never growing up. Alley, KA, Amy and Shellie (and even the two littlest girls) are now in a huge state of flux. In many ways they consider themselves to be little girls. And yet, these four girls actually prefer adult activities now. They have only adult friends at church and on the internet. They do adult activities in real life. They run a facebook group of 350 women, over Karen’s objections, and teach their members digital design. Alley and KA have both promised to marry me when they are ready: and so I have exchanged ‘promise’ jewelry with each of them as a pre-engagement symbol. And when I have individual dates with each of these girls, they rarely choose children’s activities anymore.

And so I guess this firestorm helped me realize most of my girls are no longer little girls. I’d already noticed changes in our marriage as a whole, and it’s from what the girls are positively adding to it. But they are in that awkward stage of acting more and more like an adult but still identifying as a child because it’s all they’ve ever known. And for the first time in our 26 ½ year marriage, I’m beginning to feel like I have an actual partner in this marriage. The girls have begun to notice me, my needs, and my feelings. It’s a strange position that I find myself in, having never known a 2-way relationship…and I like it.

So I’m going to link this post to my About page. For the first 6 years, the About page was an accurate reflection of our journey. And I’m certainly not going to go back through all my posts on this blog and change things to reflect our new reality. But I will try to start reflecting this new reality for us from here on out. I apologize if I triggered anyone for continuing to use the term “little girls” to refer to Alley, KA, Amy and Shellie. Please forgive me if I fail. I’m as much a creature of habit as anyone and this is uncharted territory for us all. But I’m excited as we finally are beginning to see fruit from our healing journey together. The girls are maturing, connecting with each and expanding their world, and our marriage is finally feeling hopeful.


Sam, I Am


14 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Fumbling Through Therapy
    Feb 15, 2015 @ 00:33:29

    I just want to say that that’s not what I got from your post or your blog at ALL.


    • Sam Ruck
      Feb 15, 2015 @ 10:36:00

      Thank you for your vote of confidence. But if I’ve read your blog correctly it sounds like you also have a VERY supportive spouse. If that’s true, then you have a point of reference that she and her followers don’t. They can’t believe there are people in this world like me and your spouse because, I guess, they’ve never met them. That is very sad for them. But I really do appreciate you taking time to comment. And I wish you all the best!



  2. undercoverdid
    Feb 15, 2015 @ 09:52:12

    I did not see the negative comments and I’m sorry you experienced that. I think it’s sad people would rather condemn what they don’t understand rather than accept a different point of view as being valid.


    • Sam Ruck
      Feb 15, 2015 @ 10:39:44

      Hi Undercover,

      It seems to be human nature to do so, but it hurts when you’re the person at the brunt of it. But once I calmed down, I did want to address what I saw as a valid criticism because I don’t want to close-minded even if most of the criticism was off based.

      I hope things are still going better for you. It’s been awhile since the last time you emailed me.



  3. flowerofthewoods
    Feb 16, 2015 @ 10:32:55

    It breaks my heart that something like that was said to you. It’s so obviously not true!

    All of the Littles in my system have chosen to embrace being an adult while still maintaining their childlikeness. They like dolls, crayons, Disney movies, etc, but make full use of our adult brain and motor skills. There are plenty of women (who don’t have DID/MPD) who identify as Little because of their childlike interests, but make no question of the fact that they are adults. We’re all VERY different from actual children, and have no interest in being treated like actual children.


    • Sam Ruck
      Feb 16, 2015 @ 11:50:10

      Thanks for your kind comments and also for adding your experience. I completely agree with you about being able to be an adult while still maintaining the childlike spirit. That’s what I tell the girls my goal for them is. I don’t want them to become an “old grouch” but I do want them to embrace the best of being an adult while holding on to the love of life that children have. I have noticed that having them in my life has helped do the same for me, too.


  4. ChildlikeEmpress
    Feb 17, 2015 @ 03:45:57

    Hi Sam, I also have seen nothing at all offensive in your posts. I am very thankful for your blog, and my husband is too — it’s been helpful to us as we’ve had many of the same struggles and our awareness of the DID has just started in the past year. So, very confusing times. Keep writing your very thoughtful, compassionate posts and know you are helping a lot of people!


    • Sam Ruck
      Feb 17, 2015 @ 11:18:01

      Hi CE,

      thank you for taking the time to comment, and thank you for your support. I’m glad you and your husband have found something of value here. When I read all the horrible things being said about me, sometimes I wonder. So I really do appreciate your vote of confidence.

      I hope things are going well for you on the healing journey and if you or your husband ever want to write, I’m happy to reply.



  5. Pepper
    Apr 09, 2015 @ 18:38:20

    Hi Sam, I read your USOT post and found it very insightful and consisted, much like all your posts. I think when you start to express your truth then at some point in time you are bound to run into trouble lol. Look at Jesus! Completely persecuted for just trying to help, heal and love. I find your posts and commitment to your wide and her inner parts truly inspiring and am glad God made you so full of love and compassion, despite it being very tough for you too. 😉


    • Sam Ruck
      Apr 15, 2015 @ 22:58:17

      Hi Pepper,

      for some reason my blog put your comments in my spam folder. Sorry I didn’t see them until just now. Thank you for your kind comments. And thanks for stopping by my blog. Blessings on your journey!



  6. Pepper
    Apr 09, 2015 @ 18:38:45

    I meant to say insightful and considered by the way.


  7. Pepper
    Apr 09, 2015 @ 18:39:10

    and wife not wide! Sorry on my iPhone


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