How I Stay

Awhile back I posted an entry entitled Why I Stay here (and a related one here). In it I gave 4 reasons why I have decided to stick it out with my wife on our joint journey to see her dissociative identity disorder healed. But the battle to stay, when so many spouses leave, is a daily, sometimes minute by minute battle for me. I never seem to deal with it once and for all. So I wanted to look at some more things that have helped me to deal with the massive, secondary trauma that my wife’s disorder brings my way. There are reasons that I stay. I listed them in the entry I linked above. But in the end I simply choose to stay. Lots of people have broken their vows. Societal and religious pressure actually push us toward self-fulfillment, not sacrificial giving nowadays. None of the reasons I gave before are insurmountable if I want to run; but I choose to stay.

How do I stay? First, I stay by owning my decision to stay. The first year or two that we started this journey was filled with a LOT of anger on my part. I was tired of my needs being ignored and diminished and as the little girls joined us, a lot of things that I thought had been buried in the past resurrected themselves back into our marriage.

But at this point in our journey, after lots and lots of journaling, I’ve owned my decision to stay in my dysfunctional marriage. I think my anger was tied to my feelings of being trapped in this marriage by various forces. My anger was also linked to my feelings of being wronged in this marriage by my dysfunctional wife. But once I made the decision to stay in this marriage knowing what that meant, the anger began to dissipate because I had made an informed choice.

Here’s one big area the anger has largely left. Sex. I saved myself for my wife. In return I got almost nothing. Monotonous, mind-numbing, kindergarten sex for 26 years and counting. Karen never ‘wants’ me, rarely ‘wants’ sex and she literally ‘can’t’ do sexual things that are staples in most healthy relationships (I’m talking normal things that 86% of couples participate in according to one study) because the other girls clearly control those areas of the personality and they aren’t ready to marry me yet. But since I know my wife’s limitations at this point, I rarely get angry anymore. I know I could easily get what I’m regularly refused if I simply moved on, but I made the choice to stay. It still hurts like hell, but the anger is mostly gone, and that’s a good thing!

Second, I stay by holding on to a glimmer of hope. There is a part of me that is completely despondent. I lost my 20’s, 30’s and now most of my 40’s to my wife’s disorder. 50 is getting damn close, and I’ve already noticed my body beginning its slow decline toward old age. Moreover, I never got to pursue any of my vocational dreams because of my wife’s safety issues. Those kinds of thoughts are nearly overwhelming and they never go away no matter how hard I try to think ‘happy thoughts’ like Peter Pan.

But there are a couple of things that give me just a tiny glimmer of hope for my future. And when suicidal thoughts crowd in on me or thoughts of abandoning a marriage that still seems so hopeless in spite of how far my girls have come, I hold on to my little beacon of hope in the darkness. For each of us hope will take a different form. For me, even though I know it’s completely irrational, my hope is that my personal journal and this blog may one day get ‘discovered’ and I’ll be given the chance to make a difference on a larger scale how d.i.d. is viewed and treated. I know it’s as unlikely as the wannabee bands who play every local gig they can get in the hopes of being discovered and ‘making it big’, but it’s a little candle I hold against the darkness of despair in my life. I also tell my girls that once they are healed, I want to leave my factory job and find a job that we can do together and help other couples or singles struggling with d.i.d. What gives you hope? If you don’t know, you need to figure it out and start working toward the goal when the d.i.d. is behind you and your mate.

Third, I stay by maintaining a point of deep empathy for my wife. Let me tell you a personal story. When I was a little boy, my mom was going to take all of us kids to a local swimming lake. Somehow I was late getting to the VW van we owned at the time, and she took off without me. She drove tauntingly, slowly down our winding, stone driveway with me running and screaming for her to wait for me, that she had forgotten me, please stop and let me on! I knew I wasn’t going to catch her and so I tried to cut her off by going through the yard to meet her on the road. When she got to the road, she started to point the van toward the direction I was heading to meet her, but then she abruptly turned the van the opposite direction and drove off, down the road, leaving me screaming and crying in a heap on our front lawn. I felt utterly abandoned. Just writing that story for you has my body still feeling the emotions of that event.

Now, my mom came back and got me a few minutes later. She thought she was being funny. It was a silly joke to her, and I’m sure if my sister who reads this blog told my mother, she wouldn’t even remember that event because I’ve learned that what is an important event to one person often goes totally un-remembered by another person who experienced the same event from a different perspective. And I’m not mad or anything at this point, BUT I refuse to rid myself of the pain of that event because my mother unknowingly gave me a huge gift that I would need for our difficult marriage. The gift is this: anytime I consider abandoning ship and finding a healthy wife, I hear the heartbroken screams of that little boy who thought he had been left behind and was left crying in a heap by a silly little joke. And I know that my girls would feel that same pain magnified by 10 if I abandoned them because I would not be coming back. And so I let that memory haunt me. It keeps me in check when I consider stopping my own pain by abandoning my girls. That memory drives me to find a different way of stopping my personal pain without causing worse pain to the woman I love: hopefully that would be by her healing and us both experiencing a mutually satisfying marriage.

Obviously, I can’t offer you the trigger that serves to give me a point of empathy for my wife. But maybe there’s some event from your past when you were wronged or slighted or hurt by another, and maybe it caused you great emotional distress. Maybe you can hold on to that pain and vow NOT to cause it to another. That’s what empathy is about: being able to understand someone’s pain because you remember your own. Thanks, Mom! lol :).

Fourth, I stay by remembering who the enemy is. The ones we love who have d.i.d. do not choose to treat us as they do. The disorder causes the selfish and hurtful behavior as abilities are split among the group and kept infantile by being frozen in the past. They didn’t choose this disorder. They are not the enemy! This disorder was foisted upon them by twisted abusers who took out their own pain and anger and lust on defenseless, little children. And the disorder was allowed to take root by the lack of healing and caring parents and guardians. And so I try really hard to control my inner conversation and blame my wife’s disorder and not her personally for the pain and suffering I’m caused. It’s a daily battle. Often there’s a part of me that I hear saying, “You ruined my life!” but I need to change that internal conversation to “Her disorder ruined my life.” Just typing those two phrases feels completely different to me. Notice I didn’t even type an exclamation point in the second phrase because I didn’t feel nearly the anger that I do when I allow myself to voice the first phrase.

As I wrap up this entry, I want to share a picture that I often see in my head: one that I shared with a recent commenter. Dissociative identity disorder is like a prison cell to my wife. She is chained inside it against her will. But for me as the supporting spouse, the prison door is open and I have no chains on me. I’m free to leave anytime I choose.

I know of many spouses who have simply walked out the door and left their broken spouses chained behind in that cell. Every time someone I know walks out on a spouse, I feel like I get kicked in the gut because we are facing issues that most marriages can’t even imagine. I lust for the simple problems most marriages face! But that’s how it is for us, the supporting spouses of one with d.i.d. We have to figure out why we choose to stay in our loved one’s prison cell when we are truly free to leave. Our culture doesn’t support this selfless act where we choose pain and dysfunction over personal satisfaction. If you read the d.i.d. literature, the experts brand us ‘heroes’ in a derogatory manner, suggesting we have some kind of savior complex if you involve yourself in the healing process like I have. Even the Church largely has given in to the divorce culture. (And let me say I have no feelings of animosity or judgment toward those who are divorced.) But if we’re going to stay, we’ll be going against the flow. And these are a few of the ways that have helped me do so thus far. I’m no hero. I’m just a man who loves his wife and is trying to do whatever he can to help us BOTH be happy.

Blessings,

Sam, I Am

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26 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Glenn
    Sep 12, 2014 @ 09:14:27

    Wow! You really nailed this post! Thank you so much for posting this train of thought. It helps me to see this articulated.
    I do have a knight in shining armor complex. I have to try and help everyone.
    One big aspect that keeps me in my dysfunctional marriage is the empathy To always put myself in my wife’s place and try to imagine what it is like to be so divided and restricted from expressing emotions and thoughts in a cohesive direction.
    After being abandoned myself many times, I realized if I ever married there would never be a choice of leaving.
    What else that will keep me in this marriage is an intense sense of loyalty and duty
    She is the only one that can leave. I set my mind to stay married for life. To lock myself in that prison with her and throw away the key.

    I have come to accept never getting what I need out of my marriage. That allows me to not be angry. To look for the small signs of affection when they happen. I get happy when I get literally a pat on the back by my wife. Which is rare To enjoy my children’s laughter and kindness.
    I’m sorry to be rambling but I realize that I have to articulate what is in my mind and see if it makes sense expressed.

    Reply

    • Sam Ruck
      Sep 12, 2014 @ 16:55:12

      Hi Glenn,

      I’m glad this resonated with you, and you are welcome to ramble. I know how much my journal has helped me make sense of everything. It’s still a hard road to travel, but it’s not impossible any longer.

      I wish you and your wife blessings and healing.

      Sam

      Reply

    • Sam Ruck
      Sep 20, 2014 @ 07:55:33

      Glenn,

      I’ve thought about your comment ever since you made it that you are happy to get “a pat on the back.” I don’t know your situation but there’s GOT to be something going on with one or more of the insiders. When Alley first came out she HATED me and never wanted me to touch her. But I won her over. I wrote about it here. She’s still not touchy like the other girls but she likes to be touched now. Tina on the other hand was scared for me to touch her because of her abuser, even though she wanted me to. We started out touching finger tips and very slowly I helped her overcome her fear until now she is the girl who “thirsts” for my touch and never ever can get enough of it.

      My heart goes out to you.

      Sam

      Reply

  2. Chris Colvin
    Sep 12, 2014 @ 23:18:05

    Hi Sam, just want you to know that you have been ” discovered”, at least in a small way by me. My wife had a breakdown a bit more than four years ago now. Since then she has attempted suicide twice, has been alcoholic,and was cutting and burning herself due to the pain of suddenly remembering her childhood abuse. During the night of our second hospital stay she was very drunk and I realized that there was a childlike “other” person that seemed to be there that was definitely not her. Later, and after several meetings with our councilor, he recognized it also and we discovered “Shelly”, my wife’s 8 year old alter. Some time later ,I was holding her through the night on the floor of our bedroom closet, a safe place for her, when Grace awoke. I had to explain who I was and where she was. Grace is a late teen/early twenty year old alter created by Shelly when things got too much for her as well. Grace is Shelly’s protector. Sonny came later, again in the closet. Since then there have been incredibly difficult times and I kind of thought I was the only one dealing with this. Our marriage has suffered greatly, and though I am not suicidal, death would have been a welcome friend at any point it might come. Anyway, to keep a long story short for now, I was in a session with our councilor bemoaning that there is no couples therapy that is appropriate here and no one in my shoes who understands what it is like to bear through this relationship. He suggested that I search the internet, which is not something that I like to do, but after praying about it, I entered “spouse of DID” and you popped up. I think you were the only one of two that had a blog. Just wanted to say thanks for your thoughts, I relate to them all and it has encouraged me and helped me understand more about DID. Chris

    Reply

    • Sam Ruck
      Sep 13, 2014 @ 00:00:43

      So nice to meet you, Chris, and thanks for sharing a little of your story. I’m glad I’ve been able to be a little encouragement to you. I wish I knew how to connect us all better. Only in the UK (PODS) have I found an actual support group for the supporting spouses, but they only allow those who can attend their meetings to join the support group. Maybe some day, if/when I get my girls thru this and they allow me to lift the veil of anonymity, we can try to do more for those of us in the States. But for now if I can ever help, please feel free to contact me on the blog or at my samruck2 at gmail dot com email. It’s just nice to talk with others in the same boat even if there’s really nothing we can do except stop the feeling of being completely isolated in this.

      Sam

      Reply

  3. ccchanel41
    Sep 13, 2014 @ 00:09:07

    Hey Sam…this was a touching post. We all thought so. We all understood it. I get to be the spokesperson. CC, she has always understood and really loved your blog from the minute she read it. Of course, has not read all of it. We have a hard time getting our mind to take time and read if our head hurts and so much in it, but we read. She used to read all the time.
    I know a lot of it was not all happy, but I am learning all things are not happy. Of course, this is Darkness, so I mean that would make sense as well. But how you framed everything I thought was good. Oh, I did not click on your other links, now I just remembered..but going from this..I still think you need to practice self care for you..yep, I am gonna say that. I hope you can and do. But I loved the whole way you talked about commitment, and how complicated and complex relationships of this kind are and were so honest about it. That had to be hard. But it is true. Very true.
    As for the local band and playing gigs. LOL. Priceless analogy. But ya know…that is how Nirvana and the Foo Fighters started in their garage. Pretty sure on both. If not sue me, I been inside for the last like twenty odd years or so. LOL! I know you can eventually find someone to publish your work as a first person account about DID..and of your wife as well….those are the best kind. That would open up doors..for your dream..get you noticed in the communities you want..and heck we would read it ..lots of people would. Just a thought..we keep givin it…I just give it more direct..cuz I think it is that needed ..
    So loved this post..so did CC..as you know now we see it from both sides..especially her..thanks for your blog.
    Darkness

    Reply

    • Sam Ruck
      Sep 13, 2014 @ 00:43:24

      Hi Darkness,

      thanks for stopping by and for giving me your thoughts. Self care…that’s a hard one. I readily admit I don’t know how to do that especially in the context of a dysfunctional relationship unless I start to pull back from the relationship and get my needs met elsewhere.

      As for getting published, right now other than my blog and my journal, and occasionally writing therapists (who all ignore me), I don’t put a lot of time into that since my girls demand anonymity. So until they lift that rule, I know I’m pretty limited in what I can do anyway. But I appreciate the vote of confidence from you all and maybe some day we’ll move forward with that dream of mine.

      I just didn’t know how to respond to your post tonight, but I did read it. My thoughts are with you all.

      Sam

      Reply

      • ccchanel41
        Sep 13, 2014 @ 00:55:48

        oh hey, it’s ok..half the time I don’t know how to respond and I live here. LOL…

        I guess I was thinking of like playing golf or something..LOL sorry…watching a good movie…? IDK..hahaha

        ya know Richard Kluft is online and is in or near Philly in PA..idk if you have tried him or not..but he is an expert since the 80s..and has tons of contact info..anyway, we have a lot of respect of his work..you might hate him..haha…but he was in it from the beginning..sorry had to laugh..they all ignore you….hahahaha..I can see that…

        have a good night Sam I Am

        Darkness

      • Sam Ruck
        Sep 13, 2014 @ 01:04:21

        I haven’t tried him yet. I’ve tried a number of other ISSTD bigwhigs and all of them have blown me off. It gets tiring and dispiriting. So I stop for awhile, and then I work up my nerve again and start reaching out. But also, what my girls are going thru this summer has been pretty exhausting too, and so they are my main focus because, as I mentioned, until they allow me to break the anonymity, it really doesn’t matter if I’m ‘discovered.’ Lately I’ve been joking to my wife that I am the most popular Sam Ruck in the world on google and he doesn’t even exist! lol! (except stupid facebook just knocked me/Sam out of first place sometime recently. They must have paid google to jump over him! 😦 ) lol

      • ccchanel41
        Sep 13, 2014 @ 01:17:03

        hahahahahahaha
        ok well I will quit bothering u after this…but we are gonna write a book one day..and well some want it to be not anonymous..but we have read PLENTY of anonymous DID first person account books that were awesome..frankie and alice movie was anonymous..mmhmm…I think he might talk to you…we were thinking of trying him..but he is really old ..might want to try in the next few years…
        but I understand about the tiring aspect..although I don’t come out a lot..weird how that works..anyway…ya gotta push your own project..nobody will discover you…but the anonymous thing I don’t think is a problem..the exhaustion of daily living is another..
        I now officially hate facebook more than ever though…grrr
        hahahahaha
        you are funny
        Darkness

  4. Julia
    Sep 13, 2014 @ 02:55:29

    Hi Sam, first I am happy to have found your blog and let me say you are very strong, and I am impressed with how much research you have done by the reading here even though it is only a fraction I have been able to read.
    I work with people who have D.I.D and I have noticed the “host” in many I have worked with and been in a marriage do not look at that union normally. I notice time and again the “host” seems to have almost no expectation of others even spouses and that leaves the spouse feeling unwanted. Since normally we have in relationships reasonable expectations.
    However if in childhood having an expectation of lets say to be cared for and that turns to harm one would learn quickly not to have that expectation. I find myself wondering if the culprit for the failure of marriages with people who have D.I.D is less abut the D.I.D then the lack of connection through expectation a marriage would normally have.
    I see in what you have written you have had to put aside much of your own personal expectation, that is painful, but i wonder if that can be understood by your wife. the only hope I have been able to work in with people in these unions is for the one with D.I.D to start accepting that they need expectations of themselves and others.
    That however would start providing a healthy attachment but that gets into other places on your blog.

    For now be loved
    Julia

    Reply

    • Sam Ruck
      Sep 13, 2014 @ 09:04:37

      Hi Julia,

      welcome to my little blog. I appreciate you visiting and taking the time to comment!

      I don’t know if you have time or interest in a longer conversation about what you brought up. Attachment issues are a huge part of the problem. All 7 girls are strongly attached to me at this point because I have purposely fostered that, but, sadly, I am not nearly as attached to them because they are unable to do the same for me.

      This disorder is so complex, systemic and multi-layered, that I would hate to point at any one issue as the single culprit of marriage failure. Since I have access to EVERY girl in my wife’s system, I think it gives me an inside perspective that few get. I could point to the host issues that affect our marriage like here or the division of personality abilities that I discuss here and certainly I’d love to discuss my attachment series. I would love to bounce ideas off someone who works with others and maybe also share my perspective I’ve learned ‘in the trenches.’ But if not, I wish you well and wish your work with those who have d.i.d. well also!

      Sam

      Reply

  5. Julia
    Sep 13, 2014 @ 09:55:10

    Sam, of course you are right no single issue would be the cause but in what I have found is we all connect with something in order to have something to connect to. However with someone with D.I.D real deep connections of expectation and giving expectation bring up the danger of relying on another person.

    I can talk further just be aware as far as the internet I must remain obscure as people I work with use the internet and your site. I will read what the links you posted later today when I have more time to give them the thoughts they deserve.

    Be loved
    Julia

    Reply

  6. flowerofthewoods
    Sep 15, 2014 @ 11:57:11

    I really admire your determination to stay with your wife, no matter what. The world needs more people like you.

    I hope that you don’t mind me making this suggestion, but instead of thinking “my life is destroyed,” you could instead think, “my life has a different purpose.” The path that your life has taken is definitely a lot harder than what most people experience, but you also have the chance to change the world and help others in a way that most people can never dream of doing.

    Reply

    • Sam Ruck
      Sep 15, 2014 @ 15:36:33

      Hi Flower,

      thanks for stopping by and thanks for the comments. You are welcome to make the suggestion. I’m sure it would be easier to accept your suggestion if every therapist that I tried to engage in dialogue didn’t blow me off. I hope I’ve made a little difference in this corner of WordPress, but it’s so hard when my needs are screaming inside my head. I know how far my wife/my girls have come and yet sexually we still have so far to go. Sadly my wife is probably right and the place where the trauma began will be the last place to receive healing. I guess we’ll see.

      Thanks again for your time and comments!

      Sam

      Reply

      • flowerofthewoods
        Sep 15, 2014 @ 15:54:58

        I have the feeling that the way you’re going to help change the world is going to be completely unexpected, and reach a lot more people than those in the mental health community. 🙂

        Hang in there, baby!

      • Sam Ruck
        Sep 15, 2014 @ 15:57:54

        Thanks, I’m really trying. I really do appreciate the encouragement.

        Sam

  7. Just here
    Sep 15, 2014 @ 23:04:13

    I pray that you get your glimmer of hope and are able to make a difference in others lives.

    Reply

  8. thereisarainbow
    Sep 19, 2014 @ 07:12:51

    Like someone else has said in a comment further above…I also admire your determine and your courage!! You have given up so much in order to support your wife, she is a very lucky person 🙂 My hubby is as supportive as he can be…he has kept his own interests going which is a good thing since it gives him other things away from ‘us’ and interests outside of home which give him some chance to escape for a while. We are in the uk and looked at PODS but without the money to travel to the events and pay for entry, it’s hopeless…we may aswell be in the states as far as being able to go to pods is concerned!! Your blog is helping so many people but i do understand your frustation in not being able to go any further as i would love to write a book but need to keep my name private so i am unable too. I so hope things change for you one day and that you get the further recognition for your blog that you deserve 🙂

    Reply

    • Sam Ruck
      Sep 19, 2014 @ 16:33:30

      Thanks for the encouragement Rainbow! I hope things change for both of us soon one of these days. The girls have come so far, but we still have work to do. I’m sorry about PODS. But if your husband ever wants to ‘talk’ to someone he’s welcome to write me on this blog or at my samruck2 at gmail dot come email.

      Sam

      Reply

  9. casondrastarseed
    Feb 05, 2016 @ 18:39:33

    I just wanted to say I went through and have been reading ALL your blogs. Once I found it, I finally was able to feel horrible for my husband. Your blog has helped me realize the effect this has had on him, my marriage and my family, and I cried a lot reading this. I wish I could be everything he deserves. I’m sure yours does as well. This blog has also given me hope though. And I thank you so much for your dedication to this blog 🙂 I will share.

    Reply

    • Sam Ruck
      Feb 08, 2016 @ 06:53:59

      Hi and thanks for taking the time to read so much and for leaving a comment. I hope you found something that might help you and your husband.

      Sam

      Reply

  10. Lisa
    Dec 10, 2016 @ 00:32:26

    Hi Sam,
    We have been on this journey for years now….I didn’t know what was going on. At first, I thought it was me. I was too demanding, needy, had expectations that were too high. I saw a Dr. Jekyll/Mr. Hyde kind of roller coaster pattern. It was like there would be three good weeks, then sickness, then depression and crash. The older he got, the shorter the cycles, the less he could tolerate. He switched jobs, we had to move and he felt tremendous pressure. We have 4 daughters and I noticed that he was better with them as little girls, but as needy or moody or boundary-testing teens, forget it. I was in counseling for years, on and off, thinking it was me…but then he began just walking out on us and leaving for hours at a time. The hours turned in to being gone all night long, returning, acting like normal, as if nothing different had just taken place. I was reaching out to the family doctor, counselors at church, therapists…and a gifted, Christian therapist nailed it early on, saying he dissociates and this behavior was a cry for help in the only way he knew how.
    He was in total denial that anything was wrong and fully blamed me for making him leave!
    Wow.
    He has seen at least 16 people in the last span of years. He would go and quit. One guy he met with weekly had no concept of DID or anything like it. He was using porn while meeting with this therapist, secretly taking money out of our IRA account, setting up his own accounts, etc. We were separated and when we reunited, I tested positive for STD’s. All the while, “No conversation about anything sexual ever came up,” his therapist later shared with me. (My husband had given us permission to talk). I knew exactly what was going on. The good, compliant guy was going to therapy and just chatting away about himself, enjoying the company. No one else must have surfaced or the therapist just never was really in tune with him. At any rate, I urged him to stop and to go back to the one who had originally deducted what he was dealing with.
    He did. For 6 sessions, then quit again. He made progress with her and we would go together, so it was really a supportive environment. She has a great deal of experience with D.I.D. as shew works with women coming out of sex trafficking. I learned some very helpful skills while in the sessions, but once he stopped again and refused to get to the root of the porn and denied giving me the STD’s, I was done. I requested that we separate again in July, for about the fourth time, thinking I really did not have to stay on in an unsafe marriage. The anger outbursts, irrational thinking, disconnecting constantly while in conversation with just me or all of us, plus the sexual stuff was too much.
    But I ached for his healing.
    I want him whole.
    I have not had a green light from God to divorce. I am happily separated, continuing to pray for him.
    But last week he had a breakthrough of seismic proportions.
    I found your blog entry, “Loving My Girls” and shared it with him.
    It took him 4-5 days to open it and read it.
    He read it last Thursday night before bed.
    The next morning, he was depressed, said he was unable to get up for work. He had already been late one day that week, which is not his pattern at all. Work is where he thrives and the expert in his field.
    He just stayed in bed, not caring.
    Suddenly, he heard a voice call his name and tell him to stop feeling sorry for himself, to get up, shower and GO TO WORK!
    He shot out of bed, knowing that voice was helping him, but didn’t know whose voice it was. He had a sense that it was a helper part that he never met, but that he really needs to pull everyone together!
    To hear him talk like this is miraculous.
    Read your blog.
    Had that experience.
    Began to share openly about the voices, his fears, etc.

    He has been calling me this week. Tonight he asked if he could come over, brought a bottle of wine saying, “I know you drink red wine!”
    I don’t.
    I never have.
    EVER.
    But he was trying!
    He was teasing around, happy, lighthearted.
    And once again, the D.I.D. stuff was on the table for discussion.
    Amazing!

    Thank you, Sam I am.
    I will read your blog.

    I will share it with friends.
    My husband is being revealed and making amends.

    Sam I am you have helped my husband to open the lid and peek deep inside,
    I expect to hear about things that have long been denied!

    Thank you for your sacrifices for your wife, and all of us, too,
    Only God Himself knew what it would do!
    In His Love,
    Lisa

    Reply

    • Sam Ruck
      Dec 10, 2016 @ 05:09:00

      Hi Lisa,

      thank you so much for your comments. I really appreciate it because it’s been a hard week for me this week: got blacklisted from another d.i.d. website because they disagree with my use of attachment theory to help my wife heal. Sadly what this d.i.d. community needs the most (attachment theory) they rebel against the hardest. I almost pulled this blog as a result I was so discouraged and upset. So you taking the time to share really means a lot to me! And it’s been a hard year for us. Jenny, girl #8, has really struggled to become “adopted” (securely attached) to the family. So any way I really do appreciate your taking the time to respond. It really is a two-way street on this blog and so many don’t realize how hard it is to ‘put yourself out there’ especially when so many others cut your head off when you do.

      I’m so very happy for you and your husband and your daughters. I understand so much of what you went thru; not knowing what was wrong with my marriage and my wife blaming ME for our problems. I struggled for 20 years trying to find the answer to what was ailing our marriage while my wife went ‘blissfully’ along in her d.i.d. induced fog. I truly hope this was a game changer and things begin to get better. It’s been a long road to travel, but our entire family has done it together (including our now-adult son) and I feel we are all closer for having done it that way.

      Take care,
      Sam

      Reply

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