Best Friends

As Karen and I have traveled the last 5 years together on a journey of healing from her dissociative identity disorder, also known as multiple personality disorder, we have been joined by 6 other, delightful girls. The last girl, Tina, joined us two January’s ago.

In the beginning each girl established herself in my wife’s network as an independent person. It was extremely critical to each one that I love her for herself, and NOT because of Karen. Each girl was also extremely concerned that I could easily differentiate her from the others, and when I could discern the switches between girls, even if she didn’t say anything, she would be both amazed and delighted that I knew “my girl”.

But the goal of healing d.i.d. is to tear down the dissociative walls that separate them from acting as a normal and healthy unit. And so this year we have seen a natural coalescing of the 7 girls.

Originally we had Karen, the host; Amy the 6 year old who took care of “her little girl” Sophia; Alleylieu the defender; and KA the inside mother of Amy. Shelly was the little sister of Alley. And last of all, Tina joined us to complete the network of girls comprising my wife.

But last year the girls began to change how the network was aligned. First KA began to gravitate toward Alley. They both were the oldest girls. They both wanted to be my girlfriend. And they began to act more and more in tandem with each other. They still wanted me to differentiate them, but often their voices would blend. They did almost everything together. And they became “best friends.”

But this threw the rest of the network out of whack. KA had been Amy’s inside mother. But KA now wanted to act like my romantic girlfriend and like a teen. And Shelly who had been Alley’s devoted, loving sister was getting left behind.

Last year we had another movement in the group. Tina arrived to the group unable to talk but keenly interested in the Nook puzzles that Sophia excelled in doing. Soon Sophia had become the mouth piece for Tina which allowed us to communicate with her. And from there their friendship and alliance has continued to grow.

But this also threw the network out of balance. For now Amy had not only lost her inside mother, but Sophia no longer needed Amy to care for her as much because Tina was providing many things for Sophia.

So this past spring, it was suggested that we try to ally Shelly and Amy. When I first heard this plan, I had misgivings because I knew that Shelly still worshipped her big sister and last year I had even begun calling Alley, KA and Shelly the Triumvirate in my journal. But I didn’t object and thus began a futile 4 months of trying to connect Shelly to Amy.

But last week things came to a head and I realized that Shelly never, ever wanted anything other than to be with her big sister, even if she was the “third wheel.” So now we are in the process of trying to re-invigorate the Triumvirate. I’m trying to coach Alley and KA to work harder at including Shelly and being sure to give her a voice in their group so that she doesn’t get shoved to the periphery.

But that still leaves us two individual girls. And so I also began to champion the idea that it was time for Karen to stop being the “outsider” of the group. It was time for her to try to connect intimately with Amy and thus no longer stand alone from the other girls. Amy and Karen do share some similarities that hopefully will help them to connect: especially their mensa-level abilities.

Thus my wife’s network of 7, once-separate girls is beginning to slowly reshape into 3 groups of closely connected friends. Our goal is NOT to obliterate anyone in the network. We have NO desire for integration. Our goal is to fully remove all dissociation and create the ability for all the girls to freely communicate and help each other. This intermediary step is a key milestone for them.

It’s still early in the game as we try to re-invigorate the Triumvirate and connect Amy and Karen, the two strongest and most able girls in the network. But with some work and luck, I hope this goal will be attainable.

Blessings to all,

Sam, I Am

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6 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. flowerofthewoods
    Sep 20, 2013 @ 19:45:10

    I wish you the best of luck at helping your girls be able to communicate with each other, and I think that it is a very admirable goal.

    Also, I like that you call Alley, KA and Shelly the “Triumvirate,” since it sounds so delightfully sophisticated and official. I can imagine them loving the title.

    Reply

    • Sam Ruck
      Sep 20, 2013 @ 20:00:28

      Hi Flower,

      thanks for stopping by again! I don’t usually call them the Triumvirate except in my personal journal, but I thought it was a good fit for the 3 of them!

      Sam

      Reply

  2. KCSun
    Sep 23, 2013 @ 23:40:09

    We have one of us that didn’t talk but she learned eventually that she could choose to talk. She needed to feel safe first and that sometimes takes a long time. It was funny to hear her humming and making sounds trying to learn.

    When I first came out of hiding I didn’t know how to read or write or anything like that. I still want Kimmie or one of the big girls to check my writing that I write for someone else to read. I took about a year to get the reading almost as good as a big girl and everyone took time to help me everyday. We played abc games. Have you thought about making a picture book for Tina to use to talk to you and then maybe teach her to write over a while?

    Nikki talked to us with pictures. Nikki was a secret keeper. Thats what we kind of figured out and she says that she couldn’t talk because it wasn’t safe to talk. She is still quite a lot and still uses other ways to tell us things but she talks to. She is super wise.

    So if you dont know a picture book has a lot of pictures to put together full thoughts. A picture of Tina and next a picture of eating and then last a picture of ice cream = I want to eat icecream. She could have an inside book and an outside book. And seeing the words can help with the reading too.

    Also when I was learning to read they put the words of everything everywhere. The wall had a paper with wall written on it. When I started getting pretty good at reading Jack moved the words around and then chair was taped to the wall. It was funny. We did that inside but you could do it inside or outside.

    Oh and another thing. Me and Kimmi are best friends and sometimes we get so close we are able to becvome one voice. Paigie joins us sometimes but she is a free spirit and likes to bounce around everyone. We have groups like you talk about but we dont always want to be together. Like when Kimmie wants to do the grown up stuff and I am bored. I will go inside and we might go most of day doing different things. I dont like grown up stuff all the time. It doesnt feel fun and there is nothing special about it. I am not like Kimmie because I like being little. I think I can be little and be smart and wise and see things clearer than even the big girls. I dont have to grow up to be an important helper. We all have the same job if you are the youngest or the oldest and that is to take care of and protect our family and each other.

    I just got told to go sleep that we have to work tomorrow. Thank you for having this place. It makes me feel good to write about us and to try to help if I can. Nique says we will have to make our own blog soon to share what we have learned.

    I dont like giving my name so I will put my first letter. c

    Reply

    • Sam Ruck
      Sep 24, 2013 @ 16:59:43

      Hi C,

      thank you very much for taking the time to explain how you were able to learn to read and write. I hope you do make the time some day to start a blog and I hope your husband will contribute to it as well. It would be good to read things from both perspectives. And I definitely think you have some important things to share! You seem to have come a very long way in a very short time, and that would be encouraging for people to read about, if you let them know how you did it.

      I’m glad you can now read and write. The girls in my wife’s network were a little different, so we’ve taken a different route. Tina couldn’t speak, but she could read and write. At first she and I talked thru sign language (the alphabet), but then I noticed that she and Sophia liked doing puzzles together on Amy’s Nook. Eventually Tina began to use Sophia’s voice to talk for her at my suggestion. It’s strange, but I still can’t get Tina to feel safe enough (?) to speak on her own. She still tries to talk to me: she has a “language” that she uses, and she and I both get frustrated that it makes no sense to me. But at least she can use Sophia’s voice. Actually Tina can use all the girls’ voices when she wants to, especially Shelly’s. She thinks it’s kind of funny to try to trick me that way, but normally I can catch her doing it.

      Sophia, on the other hand, doesn’t know how to read. She was and still is a toddler, though she’s grown up in many ways. So Amy and now Tina read to her and for her, but just over the weekend, Sophia told me that Amy is teaching her to read on her own. That will be nice for her.

      Thank you for taking the time to share with me. I really do appreciate it!

      Sam

      Reply

  3. safeprayer
    Oct 13, 2013 @ 08:16:20

    HI Sam,

    may I encourage you once more to involve the Lord Jesus in your process. I am not sure whether you do this already, I assume not, since you do not appear to mention it. He will organise for the girls to have a place to sit down and hang out with him, to talk to him, to express themselves to him.

    Once this is in place then all questions about progress (and questions about how to deal with nightmares) can be discussed with Jesus directly. It really does make things a lot smoother.

    The first step would be to see if each of the girls knows him or has met him. Ask each in turn how they feel about the idea of meeting Jesus. If there is any hesitancy then this emotion (anxiety/nervousness) will need to be addressed first. For example:

    Little: “I am not sure about talking to him, he might be angry with me”
    K: How about if I asked him to introduce himself without speaking?
    Little: People can still be angry on the inside, I am not sure.
    K: how about if I asked him to sing to you.
    Little: (thoughtfully) yes that would be ok.
    K: Lord Jesus, I would like to invite you to say hello to little sarah, but she is a little nervous, could you say hello by singing?
    Little: *smiles* he is singing
    K: What is he singing?
    Little: “who put the colours in the rainbow”

    Once this relationship is in place, then any and every question can be addressed to the Lord, and he will directly answer to the little involved. This will become as natural as talking.

    Lord Jesus, my friend is having nightmares, could you help us to understand why?
    Lord Jesus, what would you like us to understand about this?
    Lord Jesus, what can we do?
    etc etc

    Keith

    Reply

    • Sam Ruck
      Oct 13, 2013 @ 20:58:16

      Hi Keith,

      it’s good to hear from you. I was wondering, recently, how you and your friend are doing. Still making good progress?

      The girls do what you suggest with a woman they meet most Mondays. I typically help them other ways.

      Sam

      Reply

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