Helping Someone who is Suicidal

For 25 years I’ve been in a one-sided marriage. For the first 20 I didn’t understand why, when I tried so hard to love my wife, she never responded back to me. But 5 years ago we found out she has dissociative identity disorder, and I had my “ah-ha” moment. But understanding why my wife treats me the way she does, still does not take away the pain of a one-sided marriage.

In a different life I was on top of the world: I was one of  the best at everything I tried and was voted “most likely to succeed” in high school: senior class president, high school valedictorian, 4.0 g.p.a. throughout college. Then I married a broken woman and, poof, it was all gone. To stay true to myself and the woman I still do love meant I had to give up all the hopes and dreams and desires I carried in my heart to give her the support and love she needed so desperately but NEVER returned in kind. On top of that my family scattered over the States, and so I lost that support network as well.

It’s a strange state of affairs in which my wife, who has d.i.d., has repeatedly told me she NEVER struggles with suicidal issues, and yet for me it is a near daily companion. And as I keep this little-noticed blog, blacklisted by every official d.i.d. group I have tried to join, it’s only added to my isolation. It doesn’t matter that my wife/my girls are doing phenomenally well in the healing process because of my efforts. It doesn’t matter that they have so few of the common maladies associated with d.i.d. that they quit being part of d.i.d. support groups because they simply didn’t fit in. I’m not doing things the prescribed way, and so I’m not welcome to be part of the larger conversation how to heal d.i.d. So even though I am once again excelling with the hand life has dealt me, I’m still invalidated and ostracized. I don’t have a graduate psych degree, so I’m unworthy of a hearing. Sigh.

After journaling 3900 pages, I think I’ve got a pretty good handle on my internal workings. I don’t have any mental disorders that I’m aware of unless you’re part of the thinking that says “Hey, dummy! You’re suicidal. There HAS to be something wrong with you! Duh!” My struggles are because of the epic ordeal my wife’s disorder has been to our marriage. I’m tired;  I NEVER have someone to turn to like spouses ought to be for each other;  my needs NEVER are met except superficially; I never even got the chance to pursue my dreams and goals; and all the natural support systems one is supposed to have got stripped away from our lives for various reasons.

So, as one who is mentally healthy but still has struggled with this issue so much, I wanted to give my take on how others can help someone who is struggling with suicide issues if you ever get the chance.

1)      Be empathic and sympathetic but do NOT belittle the pain. Listen to the person share without judgment. What I long to hear from someone is validation of HOW MUCH I hurt. I don’t need to hear platitudes: “Things will get better.” “Look at all the positive in your life.” “All things work together for good…” and any other platitude that tells me, you haven’t got a clue.

And don’t take this as your chance to say, “You think you’ve got it bad…” and then start unloading all your burdens. Save that for another time.

What I want to hear is a genuine, “I can’t imagine how hard this must be for you. I can see why you hurt the way you do. It’s no wonder you are struggling from the things you are dealing with.”

2)      If our existing relationship is close enough, give me a hug or sit close enough to me that I can feel your body heat or do something that physically reinforces to my body and my soul: “You are NOT alone.”

Our culture sexualizes so much and so we lose the power of non-sexual, physical touch that is supposed to connect us to one another. People with d.i.d. have it even worse because their physical boundaries were violated at an early age and so they’ll have various insiders who are confused or scared by appropriate physical affirmation. But I need it. My girls ALL needed it in spite of their trauma. And we need to learn to give it to those who are hurting.

3)      Ask me, “Is there anything I can do?” but don’t ask if you really don’t mean it. And I probably won’t trust the offer anyway. One thing I’ve learned is largely I’m in this with my wife on my own. I’ve got a tiny band of people that helps me a little, here and there, but they all have their own lives and problems to deal with. My son gives more than a young man ought to have to give, so I never ask him for more than he naturally gives. I don’t begrudge anyone. That’s just the way our modern, disconnected society is. But if you can do something real, something practical, offer even if you have to qualify the extent of the offer or can only do it once, or from time to time. And if you get refused, do some checking for what is needed and gently insert yourself and your help into that person’s life. Be careful not to make the person feel violated though. Walk that fine line…

4)      How the hell did the therapeutic community come to the conclusion that locking someone up because they are suicidal was a good idea? Maybe for some people locking them up keeps them safe until they chill out and get past the urge to end things. But when I’ve imagined being locked up because someone found out I was struggling, it sends a part of me over the edge. I think I’d freak out if I got locked up because I’m struggling with a naturally difficult situation. “Why don’t you see how you would do in my situation?!” part of me screams. Don’t lock me up: help me in practical ways!! Lock up==imprisoned==powerlessness for doing nothing wrong other than being exhausted by the herculean task that is mine: healing my wife’s disorder.

That’s all I’ve got. If you know someone who is suicidal, these are the things I wish I’d have been offered during the ordeal of helping my wife, whom I love, heal from what many consider an unhealable disorder. I’m going to prove them wrong on that point. My wife is going to be 100% normal and healthy when we’re done. (I have legitimate reasons for thinking this.) It’s one of the things that keeps me going because the alternative is unthinkable.

Blessings,

Sam, I Am

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34 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. soulfulgrrl
    May 18, 2013 @ 08:23:52

    Sam,

    I truly can’t imagine what you’re going through and my heart goes out to you. I don’t have anything magical or anything that will help in a concrete way, but I will pray or send good thoughts your way. I’m not much of a religious person so I do mean this in a very sincere way that I will keep you and your girls in my thoughts as you both work through this.

    Reply

    • Sam Ruck
      May 18, 2013 @ 09:20:31

      Hi Soulfulgrrl,

      Actually at this moment, I’m not doing too badly. But it’s a moment by moment thing most days. But thanks for the heartfelt validation. I don’t know how religious I am anymore either.

      It’s hard right now because my girls and me are getting ready to go on a 3 1/2 week “celebration” vacation for our 25th anniversary. I wanted so badly to have them COMPLETELY thru their healing journey, but the last girl, Tina, has proved to have issues deeper than I realized and every step forward with her has been incredibly difficult. I’ve almost got her there; she’s hanging over the goal line, but the pull of her abuser is keeping her from “falling into the endzone.” I’ll get her there, if I just don’t collapse in exhaustion myself. She’s worth it. I love her. She’s one of my girls: the last of my girls, I think. But sometimes it’s just so hard…

      Reply

  2. soulfulgrrl
    May 18, 2013 @ 08:26:01

    Sam,

    I truly can’t imagine what you’re going through and my heart goes out to you. I don’t have anything magical or anything that will help in a concrete way, but I will pray or send good thoughts your way. I’m not much of a religious person so I do mean this in a very sincere way that I will keep you and your girls in my thoughts as you both work through this.

    Reply

  3. complicatedwaltz
    May 18, 2013 @ 12:29:09

    The pain you feel sounds quite similar to what caretakers of loved one’s go through. I know hospices and even some better hospitals offer support groups. It’s not about the loved one’s long-term illness, it’s about *you* at these meetings, and how you find the strength. I bet you would connect with good people there. You need to have support and understanding. Keep reaching out! (Hugs)

    Reply

    • Sam Ruck
      May 19, 2013 @ 00:54:30

      Hi CW,

      Thanks for stopping by. I’ll try to keep that in mind once I get back from our vacation. Who knows, vacations have always been magical for my girls. Maybe a breakthru will happen. If not, it would be good to be part of a support system…

      Sam

      Reply

  4. flowerofthewoods
    May 18, 2013 @ 19:06:49

    I’ve found that most support groups follow the axiom, “Misery loves company,” so being banned from D.I.D. groups is a compliment in your favor.

    As I’ve read through your blog, I couldn’t help but think that you’ve put yourself too much into the role of a martyr. Since a large part of my own well-being depends on my husband’s happiness, I wonder how your wife feels about the struggles that you’ve been going through. It might be beneficial for her to help you heal and find happiness yourself, if she’s ready for something like that. You’re important too, after all!

    Reply

    • Sam Ruck
      May 19, 2013 @ 01:01:09

      Hi Flower,

      I hope I don’t come off sounding like a martyr. If I do, I want to change that. I try hard to be honest and yet keep a lot of the uglier things off this blog and in my journal so that this journal stays positive and helpful and yet balance it with the real struggles that those of us in the support roles will face.

      I often tell my wife (the host) things I need, but she seems COMPLETELY incapable of satisfying the smallest of desires I have. So at this point, I’ve learned to “swallow” the pain, and keep the goal of a completely healed wife in sight. I deal a LOT with the little girls and try to teach them that real relationships go two ways, and I try to live by example and hope someday, when they grow up, they will want to be part of a mutual relationship. I don’t know what else to do…

      Sam

      Reply

      • flowerofthewoods
        May 19, 2013 @ 13:51:04

        I know that you aren’t writing everything so it could be a misperception on my part, but it doesn’t sound like you are giving much thought to your own emotional wellbeing other than a hopeless acceptance that you hurt. It’s perfectly okay to give up yourself in order to focus on helping your wife heal, but be careful that you respect your own boundaries and don’t push yourself to the point where you feel too much emotional pain to give her any help at all. I know how strong a man’s love for his wife can be, so I know that you probably don’t ever want to find yourself in a position where you cannot provide for your wife.

        I wish you strength in your journey, and hope for a happy ending.

      • Sam Ruck
        May 19, 2013 @ 16:29:23

        Thanks flower. I’m NOT taking care of myself. I journal like crazy, pouring the pain into those pages but it also helps me to know exactly why I do the things I do so that the pain has a reason. Meaningless pain is unbearable. But the more I journalled the more I understood what made me tick and so now I can cope with the pain because I know exactly why I have to do what I’m doing.

        So much of what I want in life is tied to having a healthy wife, vocationally as well as relationally. So I could take things slower, but just be denied longer of the things that would help me personally. I’ve already waited 25 years and I’m not getting younger. It’s made a conundrum for me. The old: “between a rock and a hard place”.

        Thanks for your well wishes.

        Sam

  5. Leslie's Illusions
    May 19, 2013 @ 07:05:03

    Sam, great post. What you said about validation is so true, and important for people to listen to.

    I am sorry for your pain and your struggles.

    Is there anything I can do?

    Reply

  6. Just Here
    May 19, 2013 @ 23:33:37

    Sam,
    I will never be able to understand what you have gone through all these years…so much of it seems surreal to me. As I have been trying to go back and read your posts, I feel tremendous sadness. I cannot imagine the pain you have had to deal with. I hope and pray that healing does comes to you and your wife.

    Reply

    • Sam Ruck
      May 20, 2013 @ 16:37:00

      Keep your fingers crossed for a magical vacation (and also that I don’t fall asleep at the wheel driving thru the night 4 different times). Lots of especially good healing has happened on past vacations. That’s why they are so important: a vacation can accomplish things that I simply can’t in normal life.

      Reply

  7. jeffssong
    May 24, 2013 @ 17:53:14

    Well . . . when I used to get really bad, felt “no hope at ALL” . . . I found myself hoping for hope someday. That kept me going on. Maybe it can help you.

    I wish you felt better. As one commenter said, it sounds like a case of “Caretaker Burnout” – never a good thing. Lean while and where you can; take a ‘rest’ when able. Take care of yourself 1st, Sam! I mean that. A caretaker can’t “give” when the caretaker is in trouble themselves. As they tell rescuers: Don’t become a victim yourself.

    You know I (we) think you have chosen a tough row to hoe – one that most therapists/shrinks find ‘unacceptable’. But on the other hand . . . I think it’s the one that’s worked best for you and your wife. I congratulate you on weathering the storm thus far, getting this far, and your willingness to keep on going.

    Keep the faith man. As I know you will. 🙂

    Reply

  8. faithandhope
    May 24, 2013 @ 22:30:55

    My husband has DID with at least 12 alters that I know of and though I have never felt suicidal I often feel overwhelmed, fatigued and discouraged. We have children as well and balancing caring for everyone can be a bit challenging to say the least. I just recently stumbled upon your blog and have been blessed by it. I see your recent comments about not feeling “religious” and want to encourage you in your faith. I do not believe I could continue in this support role without having Jesus as my support. I will pray for you to experience the supernatural peace that only God can provide. Blessings to you and your girls.

    Reply

    • Sam Ruck
      May 25, 2013 @ 22:37:12

      Hi FaithandHope,

      thanks for stopping by. Thanks for the prayers. We could use them. I’m typing as we’re on the first day of our 25th anniversary vacation. So I’ll be in and out for the next 3 1/2 weeks. But I appreciate you stopping by. I don’t often get to talk to other supporting spouses and I always especially enjoy it as that’s truly the focus of this blog.

      Take care,

      Sam

      Reply

  9. faithandhope
    May 25, 2013 @ 21:44:05

    My husband has DID with at least 12 alters that I know of and though I have never felt suicidal I often feel overwhelmed, fatigued and discouraged. We have children as well and balancing caring for everyone can be a bit challenging to say the least. I just recently stumbled upon your blog and have been blessed by it. I see your recent comments about not feeling “religious” and want to encourage you in your faith. I do not believe I could continue in this support role without having Jesus as my support. I will pray for you to experience the supernatural peace that only God can provide. Blessings to you and your girls.

    Reply

  10. survivingstill
    May 30, 2013 @ 18:38:36

    Hi Sam, I’ve never commented before with this username, but I’ve read tons on your blog. I’m so sorry it’s been so hard. I really ache for what you are going through.

    Reply

    • Sam Ruck
      Jun 01, 2013 @ 00:20:57

      Hi,

      welcome to my blog. It’s a daily fight, especially as our 25th anniversary approaches…so much of both of our lives has been wasted by this disorder but at least now we are finally making progress toward real healing.

      Sam

      Reply

  11. Ben Whittaker
    Jun 19, 2013 @ 23:58:42

    Hi Sam, it’s been a little while since you and I last spoke — My wife has been doing the back and forth dance quite a bit recently, but we’ve made some progress I feel. I’ve changed jobs and the kids have been very active, keeping me away from the computer for long stretches.

    As far as feeling tired and phrasing it quite appropriately as a ‘Herculean’ task, those are both very very appropriate. As much as I love my wife, you are not alone in getting so far beaten down in giving and giving.

    Our support people tend to not fully understand what is truly going on, so often they are unsure of how to be there to help us on the front lines of this disorder. What has helped me to get through the particular darker thoughts is a refocusing on our two children, the recovery we HAVE accomplished, and the thought that perhaps this is why God made me broken in some ways too – so I could help this wonderful woman become whole again, and we can watch our children change the world.

    I don’t know if any of those thoughts could be of help to you, they are merely what has helped my mind quiet particularly disturbing thoughts. Our job is an incredibly difficult one. Our job is very often misunderstood by those who don’t deal with it personally. Our job is demanding of insane amounts of self sacrifice.

    But our job is also one of the most unobstructed connections one can have with another human being. Even more so when we truly love that individual. The amount of trust, care, and acceptance they have to have for us to be able to affect real change – not just superficial change – but change on a fundamental level of their personality… well, I can count the marriages on one hand that I know reach that level of intimacy.

    You are well within your rights to feel that way at times, any of us dealing with this disorder has at one time or another felt the way you do. I agree that not all cases of DID can be helped with the ‘perscribed’ method of treatment. Sometimes you need to think outside the box to help those that live outside of the box. I do, honestly, know how you feel. If you wanted to compare notes on things that help to get through the darker moments, feel free to contact.

    Reply

    • Sam Ruck
      Jun 20, 2013 @ 17:43:46

      Hi Ben,

      welcome back to my blog. Thanks for taking the time to read. I’m glad you could understand.

      We just got back from a 3 1/2 week vacation to celebrate our 25th anniversary. It was a whirlwind tour taking in the Canadian Rockies, Vancouver, Seattle, Alaskan cruise (Ketchican, Scagway, Juneau), then Mt. Ranier, Multnomah Falls (and accompanying waterfalls), Oregon coast, Avenue of the Giants (redwoods) in CA, SanFrancisco, California Highway 1 (Big Sur coastal drive) Yosemite, Las Vegas and then home.

      Tina finally let me buy her her “welcome to the family” ring like I’ve done for the other girls during the vacation. It took a long time to get her to that point…but sadly I had hoped that event would bring the “dam” crashing down…but it hasn’t. It just seems like it’s one more step forward. Are there EVER huge steps forward? Have you seen that in your experience? I seem to have to fight for EVERY inch forward with my girls. And, yes, we have made a HUGE amount of progress, but it’s NEVER with big leaps. It’s always just one step forward.

      Anyway, if you want to write me at my email, samruck2 at gmail dot com, we could talk more. Things don’t feel quite so “dark” today, but for me that seems to be a moment by moment thing. I think what you said has real merit…when I’m not focusing on my needs. You are definitely right about how deep of a marriage I have because of this. It’s always made me wonder about the people who could have wonderful marriages without having to deal with a major disorder and they don’t even care to try.

      Thanks for not judging but empathizing. It’s something we Christians don’t do enough of.

      Take care,

      Sam

      Reply

  12. KCSun
    Sep 18, 2013 @ 17:12:00

    I have a wonderful husband of 10 years who has been helping me with mt d.i.d. since we learned of it two years ago. He doesnt lean on me enough and I dont support him enough. He can be the greatest in the world and when he has come to his witts end he has been a living nightmare that inly childhhod could trump. He suffers greatly as I am sure most in his position and with his goals would suffer.

    Within my inner circle is Paige, our little ray of sunshine. This is what she wants to tell you…

    Every moment that you look around and see all the clouds you are missing the beautiful silver drops of rain shining like gems on each blade of grass. But sometimes you gotta acknowledge the clouds and let them suround you so that your eyes clear up and you can see the gems again. So if you are surrounded by your clouds, look at them with big eyes so you can clear your vission and remember that its every moment of every day that makes your life and not the destination at the end.

    I hope that it helps. It doesnt help our husband until later when he has gotten through the rough times.

    Reply

    • Sam Ruck
      Sep 18, 2013 @ 20:06:58

      Hi Paige,

      thanks for the thoughts. Maybe I can try to learn what you are telling me. It just hurts so bad most of the time that it’s hard to see those beautiful raindrops.

      Sam

      Reply

  13. nique and co.
    Sep 28, 2013 @ 17:47:16

    I don’t have a comment but a question. You have met the younger ones of our group. The older of our group consist of myself (the one who goes by the birthname but not always the full time host) and six others.

    When I learned of our DID I considered myself the biological age. The rest of us were 11, 14, 16, 19, 32 and one who never had an age, just “adult” even when the body was still a child. Now we all consider ourselves to be adults although we recognize some very imature thinking at times. As adults we are privy to more of the trials our husband faces due to our DID and see more of the drain on him than our little ones see.

    Seeing close up the struggles he has, and often tries to hide, we want to help. We are limited in some capacities. We cant stop being what we are, we tried. Forced intergration falls apart rappidly! We also cary baggage like insecuities at times, a tendency to not handle preceived confrontation well, migrains, and flashbacks that that nearly incapacitate us for days. However we are all very much in love with our husband and want to help.

    We know the things he has asked for. The things he has requested that have not been given are the things not yet available to us ti give. We try to achieve those things we can. We fail too often and easily sink into despair when we do. Just maintaining our 35 hour a week work, a clean house and a well taken care of daughter at times can be overwhelming.

    So here is the question. What does the spouse of one who has DID need from us? Obviously each spouse is as unique as each system. But as systems have a tendency toward commonalities perhaps there are common needs among you who love and live with us. What do you believe every spouse of a DID partner needs from said partner?

    Reply

    • Sam Ruck
      Sep 29, 2013 @ 10:44:23

      “What do you believe every spouse of a DID partner needs from said partner?”

      Somehow I need to feel like the sacrifice and losses I have experienced for the last 25 years having a dysfunctional wife are “worth it.

      1) I wish my wife would each day look into my eyes and with as much feeling as possible say, “thank you so much for loving me and sticking with me and taking care of me, all of us. I know it’s hard on you and I can’t repay the debt, but I love you and appreciate what you do for me/us.”

      2) The best sex you can give at this point. I don’t know where you are in your healing, but when sex is “shoved” in my face everywhere in this culture and I saved myself for her before we were married, the dysfunctional sex we have is nearly an unbearable pain. Maybe this area is fine for you. I read about people with insiders who are extremely sexual, but my wife seems to think they are unusual. My wife, the host, is willing to have sex with me (anytime Tina doesn’t object) but she does NOT control the areas that would make sex enjoyable for her or me. And so it’s very basic and not emotionally connecting. but i try to focus on the fact that at least we are having it “regularly” now. Since you’ve had so many of the others join you, I hope, maybe, things are going better for you in this department. If not, figure out what you CAN do, and do it as much as possible with him and tell him, if possible, that you can’t wait for the day when you are able to do more. Give him hope that you WANT to be the woman of his dreams (as soon as you are able) because he is the man of your dreams, from the sounds of it.

      3) Ask him for a list of things that he would consider “special” to him. My wife refuses to accept these kinds of “lists” from me. I know it’s part of the trauma, but maybe you don’t mind having a list of non-threatening things to choose from. I wish my wife would make me a candle light dinner. I wish she would write me a poem. Essentially, all the things that I have learned to do for her over the last 25 years to make her feel loved and special, I wish she would reciprocate. It’s been fairly one-sided in our marriage, and that’s VERY discouraging to me. So figure out where you are at in your healing now, and make the relationship as “reciprocal” as possible.

      If I think of more things, I’ll add it here or email you if you’d prefer. But these are the first 3 that popped into my head. I hope they are helpful and maybe something that you can tailor to your situation. These are the things I try to tell my wife, but for all her progress (and it really has been a lot) I can’t get these 3 things from her.

      Sam

      Reply

  14. nique and co.
    Sep 29, 2013 @ 16:56:20

    Thank you. And yes, I think that you adding to the list here is a great idea. I am likely not the only person needing some insite here. In fact, the more info on this the better for me. It will

    I have said thank you… but often we are caught up in learning to live life more as a group full time and so much else. The reminder is good. Its easy to take what is so readily given and appreciating it but not expressing it or even feeling it when there are so many other things that get pushed to the forefront of our feelings and thoughts. We can be such self focused creatures.

    DID is a lot of things but one thing is that it is highly focused on self. Self preservation, limiting pain and discomfort, giving the slef a sense of security, etc. Perhaps this will sound harsh but when I disociated as an adult, regardless of my unawareness, what I was doing was leaving some form of discomfort (or worse) for another to face and abandoning loved ones at the same time. It is this awareness that has brought a lot of determination to put aside self focus as much as possible to heal. And that is nearly an oxymoron!

    We absolutely need to work on keeping our focus on what world our husband lives in. Our physical intimacy can be an issue in that we forget to initiante. Our husband keeps everything rated G because our three little girls can be about at any given moment unless they have been requested to go inside. Not only will we forget this but we will also begin to feel rejected at times by his lack of adult affection. Its ironical to say the least. Sometimes we do remember and will tell him “big girls only right now”. Some of us did have some emotional struggles with physical intimacy and still do on occasion. Certainly after fashbacks there can be issues.

    The list is a great idea. We live by lists. Anxiety alone can leave us rather unfocused with memory issues not to mention other reasons. To have something to hold and refere to regularly would be great. Our soliciting the list instead of him giving it makes it easier for us.

    Each system has its own past with baggage carried to the present and then each personality has its own. What may be simple for your wife might be a major problem for us. The weight of a list of expectations could be enormous to your wife. It is so easy to get caught up in feeling inadequate.

    If I were to make one suggestion it would be to make a list of things you are thankful that she does. Put in those things she aleady can do easily and add a few that she is able tworking on with less regularity. A list of appreciations instead of expectations can achieve the same goal but without the nagative connotation that can be associated. Our husband would appreciate how hard we were working to overcome something which enticed us to be more focused on our efforts.

    You helped get me started on some things that can be implemented immediately and I thank you.

    Reply

    • Sam Ruck
      Sep 29, 2013 @ 19:29:51

      Hi thanks for the suggestion about a list of things I’m thankful for. Lately Karen and the other girls have, finally, started doing more around the house again. They may not be highest on my “wish list” but I don’t want to undermine the effort they have started putting forth.

      I’m glad my suggestions are things that will work for you and your group!

      Sam

      Reply

  15. nique and co.
    Sep 29, 2013 @ 17:00:32

    The typos are annoying but happen when typing on our phone. I apologize for them.

    Reply

  16. talktoj8
    Jun 13, 2014 @ 10:12:34

    I know this post is about a year old now but I truly feel for you. And am also wondering – if you are open to sharing – what groups you were ostracized from, and what their reasoning is/was. That is penultimately bizarre (though I do believe you 100%).

    Reply

  17. Newtimes
    Jun 01, 2016 @ 11:46:32

    Thank you for sharing. My husband was FINALLY diagnosed with DID 6 months ago…after 6 suicide attempts in 14 months. He had a persecuted alter and had been dissociating. I saw “switching” but didn’t know what it was. I couldn’t get the psych hospitals to listen to (or sometimes even talk to) me. I knew he had started having flashbacks of child physical/sexual abuse….still nobody saw the connection. His siblings initially wanted to know everything. Keep them informed. Now they know, I’m caused of cramming lies down their throats and talking trash about their family. The perpetrator is terminally ill, so THEY are in pain, I am insensitive. The siblings read alters lie-DID is curable…so why am I so upset. Your blog is extremely validating. I cry. I don’t know where the man I married is? I miss intimacy. Angry alters vent on me? This is new and I’m so confused. I hurt almost all the time. But I am committed to my husband. He’s in therapy, but spouses aren’t given a manual. I’m picking up nuggets of useful information from your blog almost daily. Blessings to you!

    Reply

    • Sam Ruck
      Jun 01, 2016 @ 12:49:01

      Hi Newtimes,

      I’m so sorry for the pain you are in right now. I remember very well the pain and confusion at the beginning of our healing journey and having to deal with my wife’s issues on top of the lack of intimacy and other things I still struggle with. I hope you will find help in what I’ve tried to share. 8 years into our journey, things are so much better. Actually it kind of goes in cycles depending on the ‘new girl’ and what she needs to feel safe and heal. We are back on the ‘up swing’ with Jenny, the latest girl, and so things have evened out for us.

      And I’m so sorry about the invalidation you are experiencing at the hands of your husband’s family. We never told my wife’s family, and I vacillate a lot on that decision, but both of her parents are kind of dysfunctional and we’re pretty sure her mom has undiagnosed d.i.d., too, so we doubt we would get any support from them. And my birth family hasn’t been supportive either.

      If there’s ever anything I can do, please let me know. You can contact me thru comments like you did here, or directly using the gmail account I set up. The address is in my About page if you need it.

      Take care,
      Sam

      Reply

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