Do You Love Me?

As Karen and I have journeyed together on the healing road from dissociative identity disorder, also known as multiple personality disorder, 6 wonderful little girls have joined us. And as I have welcomed each one into my life and given them all my love, each has asked me recurring questions centered around the theme of love.

One of the questions is “Do you love me for me and not because of Karen.” Each time a new girl entered my life, she would ask me this question repeatedly. Something in each of these girls wants to be sure that I really love her for herself because from each girl’s perspective, she is NOT a part of any of the other girls in the network including the host (Karen). And that perspective demands that I give my love to each girl independently of the others.

I know that there are many differing opinions on this subject. Many believe that the host is the original person and all the others are just part of her. Karen wants to believe she is the original, but none of the little girls in my wife’s network believe that. They DEMAND that I validate their independence from Karen. And so I have adopted the view that Karyn Marie, the name of the girl on our wedding certificate, is my wife who is represented by 7 lovely girls in my life. But because there is a disconnect between Karen and the other 6, I don’t dwell on which opinion is correct. I just try to love all 7 girls in my life.

And then there’s another question the little girls posit: “Why do you love me?”

“Because you are one of my girls.”

“Why am I one of your girls?”

“Because 24 years ago I married that body.”

“But you thought you were only getting one girl.”

“It doesn’t matter. I love all my girls.”

When the little girls ask me this question, I try to be careful to not attach my love for them based upon a specific action. I don’t want them to feel like they have to earn my love or, worse, that they could lose my love if they didn’t keep doing that action.

As Karen and I have walked along this healing journey, each new girl who joins us needs the reassurance that she is just as important to me and just as lovable as the first girl in my life, Karen. The other, little girls may not be ready yet to take their places as my wife, but the unconditional and sacrificial love that I shower on them today is part of the foundation I am placing in her life so that she can function as a healthy and happy woman some day, hopefully, in the near future.

Blessings,

Sam, I Am

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4 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. snugglepuppies
    Oct 12, 2012 @ 22:58:06

    We’re like that with our A but it’s kind of hard because I understand that I am a peice of a whole…..and I try to convince my alters of that. So it’s like we don’t bring it up. But I know how your wife feels.

    Reply

    • Sam Ruck
      Oct 13, 2012 @ 00:06:41

      Hi snugglepuppies,

      thanks for stopping by. Yeah, I try very hard not trample on anyone’s feelings. Sometimes that means I have to do the opposite thing for different girls and normally they are understanding that needs differ between them.

      Take care,

      Sam

      Reply

  2. Ben
    Nov 11, 2012 @ 09:48:21

    Sam;
    We’ve had similar expressions of confusion with my wife’s personalities. They all wish to know why I love them, and the same reason applies to them all – deep down, the undercurrent of their personality is a good, decent human being. That seems to make them feel better, but they hesitate to trust in it. Tracy and I feel that has a lot to do with the individual traumas that created the personalities in the first place, but we’ve made some progress.

    Speaking of traumas, have you been able to discover what may have been the root cause of the split? Tracy’s others know they came from Tracy, but are hesitant to reunite with her as a whole because they’ve been seperate for so long to shield Tracy from unwanted stressors. We’ve been unsure how best to deal with the underlying cause of her splits, and I’m positive each case of DID is different. But am curious if you’ve gone down that road before about attempting to reunite the personalities, or attempting to heal the initial trauma?

    Reply

    • Sam Ruck
      Nov 12, 2012 @ 09:56:13

      Hi Ben,

      Karen and the little girls and I have been traveling toward that goal for the last 4+ years. Our goal is NOT to ‘unite’ the personalities. In my opinion that will happen naturally as we heal the various traumas that led to the dissociation itself. I think Tina is the last girl, but the girls themselves aren’t so sure. Five of the girls are essentially co-conscious most of the time except when we have sex. I’ve been working with Tina for the last 10 months slowly helping her deal with the various issues surrounding her place in the group. It’s been a very slow process for her: much longer than any of the other girls except Amy who still didn’t have all the baggage Tina has.

      Anyway we are still on the road trying to heal the initial trauma, but there’s a lot more to it than just healing the initial trauma and I’m going slowly trying to do it right in all the areas the dissociation has affected my girls. I think the first 6 girls are doing pretty well, but I have to work hard to not let them feel neglected while I spend so much time and effort with Tina breaking thru the barriers in her heart. My hope, from what I’ve read on other blogs, is that IF Tina is the last girl and IF she holds the initial trauma, then once I help her break thru the pain and lies of the initial trauma, then the dissociation will naturally end: but IF not, then I won’t do any forcing to reunite them.

      Take care.

      Sam

      Reply

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