The Last Insider?

Over the last 4 years as I have helped my wife heal from dissociative identity disorder, I have had 6 little girls enter my life. Each one has been a unique pleasure to love as she became a part of my life. And each one has also had her own set of issues that I have had to help her heal. This past January it appears that the last insider in my wife’s network entered my life: Tina.

Now Tina had popped outside on occasion over the previous 3 years but she never said a word and she always looked lost and terrified anytime I saw her. So all last year I began an email-writing campaign to draw Tina out from the shadows so to speak. Each day I sent her an email along with the separate emails I sent to the other 6 girls, but I never got a reply. Then for Christmas, I gave her a present and that seemed to draw her out of the shadows inside, and she began to visit me regularly outside. But the Christmas present lay unopened until in January when I wrote her a little song and sang it to her and the same morning her present was opened! I finally had made an inroad into her heart.

But Tina isn’t like the other girls. When she was inside, she was COMPLETELY alone. Amy took care of Sophia inside. KA was Amy’s inside mother. And Ally and Shelly were sisters. But Tina was silent and isolated. The other girls only saw her in the shadows, and she did not speak or interact with any of them.

When she joined me outside, it wasn’t much different than on the inside. Tina couldn’t talk and wouldn’t let me and anyone else touch her. So for the first 2 months we really struggled to communicate. Then I took her, the other girls and our son to the D.C. Cherry Blossom festival in the hopes of connecting with her, and that weekend she communicated to me that she could sign the alphabet. So I quickly learned how to sign the alphabet as well and for the next month she would sign to me while I spoke to her. I’m still not very good at reading the letters, but I got along enough that we could hold real conversations.

But signing the alphabet is still rather limiting and so I continued to rack my brains for ways to connect to her. If you have ever read the poems I put up on this blog, you’ll notice that since Tina entered my life, I began writing her poems as a way to reach her heart because of how the first poem/song seemed to connect with her.

But I also began to realize that Tina and Sophia were beginning to connect. At that point in Sophia’s healing journey she was finally starting to transition to the outside. Unlike the other girls (Amy, Ally, Shelly and KA) who had made the transition outside in a few months after they started the process, even though Sophia had been coming outside from the start for a weekly bath, she remained mostly an insider until last fall. But as she began to move outside more, I offered Amy (Sophia’s caretaker when inside) rewards to help Sophia make the transition because of Sophia’s limited muscular coordination and reading abilities (the only toddler of the group). But one thing in which Sophia outshone all the other girls was her ability to do puzzles and find the hidden-object games. And as I watched Sophia shine at these puzzles on their Nook, I noticed that Tina took a huge interest in the puzzles as well. And the light went on. So after consulting with the other girls, we began encouraging Tina and Sophia to do puzzles together, and after a while not only were the two connecting with each other, but Tina began to use Sophia to speak with me and my son. She finally was silent no more.

But as I’ve said, Tina is unlike any of the other girls. Everything has been harder for her and thus for me as I help her heal. When Tina first came out she unleashed a hurricane of emotions that had all the older girls including Karen (but not Sophia) feeling “little” for months. The intensity and duration of these new emotions seemed to threaten all the progress the other girls had made. During those months when all the other girls told me how little and scared they were feeling, I spent many hours encouraging and telling them, “It’s ok, Honey. Even though you feel little, I don’t. I’m a big man, and I will take care of you.” And so little by little the emotional storm subsided and the other girls got thru it.

Another difficulty for Tina has been her rules. I once wrote on this blog about insider rules and how I have helped the girls thru them. But whatever rules the other girls had, they seemed to play a minimal part in their lives. But not so with Tina. With Tina she not only seems to have more rules than the others combined, but she has the nastiest rules designed to keep her from ALL love and relationships inside and outside. She’s not allowed to talk with me or the other girls (though she gets around this rule by using Sophia’s voice). She’s not allowed to be part of our family because she’s a “bad” girl. She’s not allowed to respond to my emails because I love her, even though I watch her reply to the various facebook groups she and the other girls frequent. I’m “her guy,” but she’s not allowed to be “my girl” like the other girls. She’s not allowed to have friends, and so she turned down Sophia’s request to be friends (though she breaks that rule by counting me a friend).

She hates and despises these rules. She wants desperately to talk “like the other girls talk” and not just by using Sophia’s help. She wants to join the family and be my girl. She wants to have lots of friends, but these rules and her fear of breaking them, and her fear that by doing so she will be a “bad” girl keep her bound and chained to the lies of the past and her abuser (notice the double bind: she’s a bad girl so she has to keep the rules, but she’s also a bad girl if she breaks the rules). So currently Tina finds herself pushing against these rules and going around them a little and yet living in fear of completely breaking them.

Another difficulty for Tina is by being the last girl, she has the unfortunate position of arriving when Karen and I are growing tired of the journey. Every time Karen begins to connect with the “new” girl and they find their “groove” another girl starts to come out and we start the process all over. Last year we added 3 girls to the group outside and those 6 were finally “grooving” only to have the girl with the worst rules of all come crashing outside and desperately needing my love, attention and affection. Tina has literally sucked life from me for the last 8 months. She hated being alone and scared inside and once she came outside in January, she has LOATHED the very thought of returning back inside to be alone again. She wants to be with me every second of every day that I’m not at work, basking in the love and companionship that my presence offers: that she never had inside when she was isolated from everyone. She’s really not much different than Amy was when she first came out, but I think it’s taxing me, Karen and the other girls more because when the other 6 began to click together last year, it felt like we were almost done…Sigh…

Another difficulty for Tina and the other girls are the massive headaches that have accompanied every step of Tina’s healing. When the other girls “chose” to move outside, everyone experienced terrible headaches for a week with each girl, and then the headaches significantly lessened. But for Tina every step of forward progress seems to be accompanied by repeated, debilitating headaches. And just the thought of breaking Tina’s rules, and the angst over not being allowed to break those rules can cause another round of blinding headaches without any forward progress.

To help the other girls bear the complete domination that Tina has exerted outside the past few months, I have tried to have dates with each girl. I have 7 girls in my life now and so my goal is to have one date with each girl each week. This doesn’t always happen, but when it does, it allows me to stay connected to The 6 (Karen, Amy, Ally, KA, Shelly and Sophia) while I help Tina become connected to them and me. The good thing about these dates is that at this point The 6 not only are largely co-conscious but they are also co-fronting a significant portion of the time. So when I’m on a date with one of the 6, I’m on a date with any and all who are interested in what we are doing. That wasn’t true last year when they were only co-conscious.

And that in a nutshell has been what’s happening this year and why I’ve been so silent on this blog. It’s taken most of my emotional strength to hold the girls together and keep them moving forward in spite of the intensity that Tina’s emergence has brought to our lives. I love her and she’s a great girl. The other girls don’t know her very well yet because the dissociation is still pretty high between her and all but Sophia, but we’ve made a lot of progress. In the beginning she allowed no one to touch her including our housecat. But now she likes to snuggle with me and the cat. She no longer overwhelms the others with her emotions. Via Sophia the other 5 have actually reached a fairly high level of “sub”-co-consciousness (yes, I don’t get it but you read it right. They are still highly dissociated and yet Sophia tells the other 6 “everything” that is happening when Tina is the one outside) with Tina but it’s less than satisfying to them because co-fronting/co-consciousness is now the new norm to them for pretty much everything except when Karen and I have sex together (if it happens).

Lately Tina and I have been “dreaming of the day” when she and I can be together “forever and ever”. That’s terminology that feels safe to her when speaking about being past her rules and past the dissociation that keeps her separated from the other girls. And I’ve been doing something with her that she describes as “the safest place in the world.” I’m hoping this will bring her to feel safe enough, in time, to move past her old, trauma-forged rules.

I don’t know what lies ahead for us, and if Tina really is the last girl or there are more to come, but with Tina and the other girls I’m “dreaming of the day” when I have safely carried all my girls thru this healing journey from d.i.d.

Blessings!

Sam, I Am.

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9 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. jeffssong
    Sep 20, 2012 @ 17:47:16

    It sounds like Tina has a bit of a role as prosecutor as well as victim – a hard thing, and we understand so well. Matthew was a hard prosecutor as well; so have been some other ones. It’s been a slow process ‘taming’ them down. I think now that Tina has stepped out a bit – perhaps is recognizing her role in things – perhaps things will get better. Hoping so anyway. Not just for her but you both – you ‘all’. The girls inside of her.

    I think you’re on the right track. I know it’s wearisome; I get wearied, too. But hey – whut cha’ gonna do? Just deal with it and keep on truckin’ – chin up, fiery determination to ‘get through it’ – by both the adult host(s) and the children (with their help).

    I wouldn’t count this one as ‘the last’ because hey – you never know. ‘I’ didn’t know about those three last year (mystery beings to ‘me’, adult & some others at the time). Talking about Aoela, Samuel & Sarah. But now I’ve gotten it kinda figured out some – but some still remains a mystery. Unless you believe in reincarnation, LOL – in which case I’ve got 4 of them. Sure don’t seem related to ‘me’ – or any of the abuse I’ve had. May be ‘helper’ beings – helping ‘me’ along with some things.

    DID is such a flexible system – one of the wonders, one of the cures, one of the curses, and not always a ‘disease’. I think everyone realizing that “another one” is never “the end”, that it’s always okay – will help smooth things over if it happens again.

    Best to ‘be prepared’ to make a friend . . . all the time. At least in ‘our’ mind. Finally learned to welcome all ‘newcomers’ in. No matter who or what or from when.

    I really think you all have done a very good job – excellent job all around. Girls, Tina, Karen, et all – and Sam I am as well.

    Your friends
    Jeff et all.

    Reply

    • Sam Ruck
      Sep 21, 2012 @ 14:30:05

      On the 30th I’m taking the girls on a 7 night cruise in the Caribbean. We’re all hoping for some much needed rest and maybe even a little breakthru with Tina.

      I realize there may be more insiders, but as I’ve told Karen, we can only worry about the ones who choose to present themselves to us. So for now helping Tina connect to the other girls is my primary goal, and maybe later if another one shows up I’ll make a new friend.

      Thanks for stopping by Jeff!

      Sam

      Reply

  2. Keith
    Nov 21, 2012 @ 21:52:27

    Hi Sam,

    about the headaches, we find they have several causes. Most commonly headaches occur when an insider is unable to express themselves as they would wish. So I would, as you do, offer as much opportunity for self-expression as possible.

    A pure guess – It might be that Tina, being out, stresses the other insiders. While they are unable to come forward then this could manifest as a headache.

    Another cause of headaches is because of traumatic memory content surfacing. I still think that if you were to learn how to do the therapy side of things, this would help you all a lot, we have got to the point were we can now do in 60 seconds what used to take an hour long therapy session. I have noticed that many issues that come up are found as a result of my spotting extremely subtle signs, that someone less closely involved would never spot or find significant.

    The headaches may themselves be memory content. Another friend of mine found that her migraines were in fact a replay or flashback of a memory of a severe illness in infancy.

    Ministry for Tina, may be achieved using pictures. You could try this: pick one of her rules and invite her to draw or paint a picture to express how she feels about it. If she has any memories that seem relevant she can draw them too. Then you pray for her to receive peace, and invite her to squeeze your hand when she has got some (an essential technique for every day situations!) This step is needed because the emotions of the memories will crowd out the Lord from her mind. Once some peace has been reported, you can pray inviting the Lord to inspire her to know the truth and whatever he wants to show her. Then you return to each of the pictures painted earlier, and she may well feel inspired to alter or redraw them to express a different perpective, as inspired by the Lord.

    best regards,

    Reply

    • Sam Ruck
      Nov 26, 2012 @ 20:05:13

      Hey Keith,

      my girls have chosen to not allow me to do the therapy side of things; so I use all of life to do it with them anyways! I spend a lot of time talking with the little girls and helping them reformulate their perspective on anything in life that arises. And I also use rewards to encourage them to grow and face their fears when they move forward.

      As you may have seen in more recent posts, Tina now talks thru Sophia so that hurdle has mostly been overcome.

      Sam

      Reply

  3. Keith
    Nov 21, 2012 @ 22:05:47

    Oh one more important point I forgot to mention: spirits.

    Every time there is a headache, it is likely that there is a spirit present, it is not usually the cause of the headache, but it will serve to prolong it, or make it worse.

    Dealing with spirits it is important not to assume or guess. We always ask for direct and clear revelation from the Lord Jesus. We always pray, asking the Lord to tell us if there are any spirits present, and to list them. Typically you will find, spirit of headache, or a spirit of pain. These illness-type spirits do not have a foothold in lie based thinking, so they can be removed every time without any fuss whatsoever. Just send them to the Lord Jesus.

    Reply

  4. kat6nikki
    Aug 21, 2013 @ 22:44:07

    Hello Sam
    It is so awesome to see your acceptance of your wife and her Crew, I am alone with my Crew still trying to function on a daily basis with DID. We have never been accepted by my husband and family. I am in awe of how you have accepted all that is part of your wife. I for the most part walk alone except for my Crew. I do have two friends which I thank God for that do accept us.
    May God Bless you for your unconditional love.

    Daniel and Crew

    Reply

    • Sam Ruck
      Aug 21, 2013 @ 22:50:22

      Welcome to my blog,

      It’s too bad your husband has opted to shoot himself in the foot, so to speak. He’s missing the chance to be part of something special. I’m glad you at least have some friends to help you. I wish you and your crew all the best on your healing journey!!!

      Sam

      Reply

  5. Trackback: I Didn’t See that Coming… | Loving My DID Girl(s)

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