Facilitating Co-consciousness

When my girls and I first began this healing journey, I focused on the needs of each girl individually and without apology. Because of the dissociation each girl saw herself separately from the others. So I met each girl where she was at as I helped her heal.

But as my girls (host and insiders) continue to heal, they are naturally becoming more and more co-conscious on numerous levels. So sometimes I get a little frustrated when one girl will still ask me to ask another girl (typically Karen) a question. Huh? “Can’t you ask Karen yourself?” I’ll ask exasperatedly.

But I’ve found that a far more therapeutic way to encourage co-consciousness is to find those things in life that naturally attract most or all of the girls and focus on those things. So last year I made Karen, Amy and Alley a dedicated craftroom for them to scrapbook in. When they are scrapping, all 3 naturally work together co-consciously. There’s no forcing or lecturing them to do so.

Then for this past Christmas I found a gift that all 3 of them were delighted to share: a handmade jewelry armoire box. Again all 3 girls were thrilled to share this extra special gift together. Also for Christmas KA, the insider mother, began to join our family on the outside and she LOVED to cross stitch. So I bought her all the supplies she needed. At first Amy and Alley weren’t too sure about this craft, but as Karen and KA worked on cross stitching, the other two girls decided they liked to do it as well. So the girls now have another craft that they will consistently work together co-consciously.

And then just last weekend, it was brought to my attention that we had never finished decorating our bedroom when I had done some work on it a couple of years ago and painted it last year. So I took the girls to Hobby Lobby on Saturday and invited all 5 of them to help pick out the decorations to complete our room. The look in their eyes was enough to tell me that I had hit a home run with them. They each picked out decorations individually and then Karen wove them into cohesive displays of beauty.

These are just some of the things that I have done to encourage greater co-consciousness among the girls. We have a spoken goal that we are working towards: we emphasize things they all like to do and are slowly discouraging things that only some or one of the girls like. I don’t INSIST on total unanimity among the girls recognizing that they aren’t at that point yet, but our goal is to move in that direction.

But recently I had to encourage the older girls to take a step backwards in order to keep them moving forward. At Christmas time Shelly joined our family on the outside. She’s a little girl who is not very assertive. Last year Karen, Amy and Alley had begun to work together very well before Shelly joined us. Then when Shelly came out she acted like the little kid sister who longingly watched the older sisters do their thing as she desperately wished they would teach her. Shelly told me she wanted to learn to scrapbook and “sew” (cross stitch) but the other girls wouldn’t slow down and teach her. In response Shelly began to block the other girls out and do whatever she wanted since the older girls wouldn’t let her be part of their fun.

So I talked to all three older girls and explained that a “war” was coming if they didn’t slow down and help bring Shelly up to speed. It took a little encouraging, but over the last couple of weeks, Shelly happily told me that the other girls had begun to teach her how to scrapbook and cross stitch. She was so delighted, and a dissociative war was averted. Yea!

A lady who use to frequent wordpress and who is fully healed from DID told me that the therapist who helped her heal the most was the one who didn’t try to force any of the insiders to do anything whether that meant working together more, leaving the cult they were part of, or anything else they were hesitant to do. He just tried to remove the need for dissociating. And though I’m not perfect at that, I’ve tried to use that as my goal. I look for things that will naturally encourage my girls to WANT to work together without me having to nag them or manipulate them to do so. So I watch my girls carefully and then I try to provide them with things or activities that will hold the attention of most of them. And when I do so, they naturally want to be co-conscious and work together slowly giving up the need to dissociate.


Sam, I Am.

Dissociative identity disorder, dissociation


11 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. jeffssong
    Apr 21, 2011 @ 16:50:51

    Found this to be a most interesting post; has us thinking about it on several levels. LOL, we’re in a ‘battle’ right now (battle might be a bit of a strong word; Me (primary controller) and M2 (teenager) – toe-to-toe defiantly staring eye-to-eye. Thanks for helping us ‘identify’ him as ‘our’ defender in so many ways; complex personality: built a ‘wall’ inside against our little ones (so he wouldn’t feel their pain/shame – which has caused him to hate them) – and a wall between the outside world and ‘his heart’ (any emotional context).

    We’re kinda curious, tho’, Sam I Am – we don’t get to talk to too many DID’ers, especially ones that have taken the route I am (we have and are) – and you’re going: the one towards ’embracing’ this thing all together and bringing everyone together and working ‘under one roof’ so to speak without claustrophobia, panic, and outbreaks occurring (LOL, thinking ‘cabin fever’ sometimes – and NOT the good kind, LMAO.)

    Did Karen and her Defender fight very often? (For control, for anything? I’m thinking “yes” cuz’ of what you’ve said in the past regarding her feelings during acts of intimacy – her fighting to ‘stay’ with you; the controller .. ? fighting for what?) or “My wife’s insiders still treat Karen like she is NOT part of their group”? Just curious.

    Did or does Alleylieu harbor resentful feelings towards the smaller children ‘in there”? Again; just curious: we have M2 to deal with; trying to get some ‘handles’ of realization in him. (He needs to SEE, ya know: he’s done his job; but VERY resentful of everything it seems! Wouldn’t be concerned except for ‘things’; you know … anyway)

    Enuff done with asking (for the moment). Really glad you posted an update: we’d been meaning to ask (if you were) but didn’t want to push you until you were feeling ‘ready’ and up to it. Thanks for the progress report; always curious to see how things are going.


  2. jeffssong
    Apr 21, 2011 @ 18:24:05

    One more question, Sam – hate bothering you with these things.

    Was Allylieu once a ‘controller’? Did she ‘manage’ the system until “Karen” came ‘on-line’ (so to speak) – or was ‘Karen’ always ‘there’? (jeez, lookit all those quotation marks!)

    Reason we ask is M3 (usually the one you are dealing with) was ‘built’ as a ‘replacement controller’ for M2 (in our early-to mid 20’s). Naturally, this means M2 has a ‘lot’ of power within the ‘system’ (or family). So what we have is sort of like a power struggle between ‘the old boss of things’ and the ‘new boss of things’ (only ‘new’ boss ain’t that new, LOL, as my aches and pains keep on reminding me: came online in 1984 or 85, if I recall (can remember the exact day, evening – when, how, all that good stuff.)

    Well, anyway – you and the girls have fun; get some ice-cream, something good like that; enjoy a home movie. Ya’ll have fun; I know we’re tryin!

    Yer bud,


    • Sam Ruck
      Apr 21, 2011 @ 21:55:55

      Hey M3,

      Karen is the “host.” Not sure how you guys call it, but that means she’s the outside girl that everyone knows. I think she’s always been there, but I know a number of people who have had insiders take the place of an outsider who lost the ability to cope outside.



  3. Sana Johnson-Quijada MD
    May 14, 2011 @ 11:02:15

    best to you on your journey Sam. keep on.


  4. jeffssong
    May 22, 2011 @ 07:05:37

    Hi Sam: just a quik ‘report’ – cuz’ I know you like information (seen ya around the ‘net – as I’m sure you’ve seem ‘me’ (LOL’ing, you know we mean us, LOL!)

    System running better than ever (big smiles!) – Matthew is … behaving isn’t the right word – nor ‘misbehaving’ – but I guess ‘slowly going with the flow’ – only better? Aye yi yi, whut are the words??!! LOL! Word do fail sometimes (lots of times!)

    I guess this is just a ‘so ya know’ – and ‘so you can tell’ (others) that ‘hey – yeah, this stuff ‘works’.” – meaning YES, a DID system CAN get along (albeit as you know: family, meaning ‘oops!’: family problems) – but like the guy in the Pink Panther: “Every day in every way I’m getting better and better”. Only it’s a “we” now; not an “I”. (ouch! someone poked me in my “I”! LOL!)

    Daughter (in VERY active denial but marvelously mentally adjusted in so many other ways) – we told her “parts” 3 times; she heard it wrong 3 times; we said: “she’s keeping herself ‘safe’.” and let it ride. Told her to look up DID sometimes (which she won’t; she’s forgotten by now). LOL! People are so funny sometimes. (Yah, we had a bit of frustration; not now :D)

    But hey, yeah: it works, can work, is working; can be a ‘good’ thing (despite the occasional ‘bump’ of looking / hearing / doing something and going “I did that?” – but since it’s all positive, it doesn’t matter, eh? What does it matter if one does something good and the others don’t remember? We just look at the person looking at us and laugh.)

    So yeah: DID (when managed – inside and out) – can be a ‘good’ thing. Which I think “ya’ll” see. Tho’ I must say (with sympathy? no, wrong word. Sadness ain’t it. But understanding might work) – we do feel for ya Sam – it’s a long tuff row you been hoeing.

    But at least it’s been in the right direction, eh? (More than we can say for a lot of folks, including some psychiatrists!)

    Later, bud! Keep up the good work! Time for some Joe and “gettin’ our groove on”, LOL’ing!


    • Sam Ruck
      May 23, 2011 @ 22:01:03

      Hey guys,

      thanks for stopping by. Yeah, I’ve seen you around. I’m glad to hear things are coming along well. I’m still working on your book. I’m almost to page 200. I wish I had time just to sit down and read it all day. It’s definitely engaging.

      Take care,



  5. jeffssong
    May 24, 2011 @ 09:18:44

    LOL, Sam. We’ve been re-reading for proof. Guess what we’ve found? A religious treatise. Wonder and go figure kinda thing. There are symbols within symbols within symbols in this thing. We are thinking about 1000 at last count. We will (have been) ‘marking up’ for ‘new book’ which will list those symbols in detail.
    Can you say “Life of Christ” in this one? Or even better “mind of god” kinda thing??? LO soft & somewhat puzzled laughing: as you know/can see: this thing (book) was written for someone’s entertainment. (more syms in that, BTW) – and written by (we estimate) 5 of “US” inside.
    Weird, huh. But laughing all the way along … but some pretty serious stuff in that. We are telling people: don’t buy the online (Kindle) version just yet (draft copy) cuz’ there is so much more in this thing.
    It’s really kinda funny Sam I am, the things we’ve found in there (that book of ours/mine/yours/and everyone elses we are seeing in this sort of thing). A lot and loads of ‘self-discovery’ types of times/items in there (the ‘times’ was a typo BTW of us trying to write ‘items’ – we are doing freudulan types all the time – and getting into the non-COPD? no, some compulsanary disorder – of letting them bother us and correcting them… cuz’ sometimes we are seeing the hidden’senses’ in them.

    BTW: send Karen and my others (your others, LOL’ing again!) our ‘love’ from little Mikie and crew 🙂 We are ‘moving on’, LOL’ing! (joy in our hearts all the times now and again.)


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