“Adult” Insiders

Below is part of my entry in my journal today:

In light of me reaching out to KA (my wife’s inside mother) and Sally (the last insider who talks with no one else and rarely comes out), a couple of days ago Alley (formerly Alleylieu) told me, “KA isn’t so very old. She just takes care of us.”  And that revelation fits in exactly with my view of dissociative identity disorder as a childhood defense system against trauma. So far in my girls network Amy, Alley and now KA have each feigned being significantly older than they really were. But as I made them feel safe and took care of them, each in their own time revealed that they were actually MUCH younger.

 I wonder if all the “adults” in other people’s networks really are just little children that are never given a chance to be the children they really are because we outsiders are too quick to assume that the insiders are being fully honest with us. Earlier this year I remember when Alleylieu acted like it was no big deal if she and I saw each other naked because we had had sex together in the past. But I was insistent that she and I have proper modesty for each other because she was NOT my wife and she was also much younger than me.

 When I set up that boundary for her, I noticed that it allowed her the freedom to develop proper modesty boundaries which we still respect today and which she insists on now. She also now feels the freedom to regularly confide to me that she really is NOT that old. She never gives me an age because she isn’t sure herself, but I’m sure it’s less than 12.

 So once I gave the insiders boundaries appropriate for little girls, it allowed them the freedom to confide the “truth” to me and to develop at their appropriate development level instead of continuing the charade that they are much older than they are. Now each of the girls seems to be moving rapidly forward in their emotional development (especially Alley) but they are doing it “right” by not skipping ahead when they hadn’t completed the level at which they really were.

 Conclusion:  This was a revelation to my wife, but it did not surprise me. But I thought I’d share it, as some food for thought. Obviously I’m not going to make the claim that there can’t be “adult” insiders. But from my intimate knowledge of my wife’s insiders, I wonder if “adult” insiders are just the attempt by the traumatized child to do at least one of two things. First an “adult” insider is a way for the child to project a bigger, tougher persona to scare off any more threats. My wife’s defender was an example of this. And second an “adult” insider, like KA, my wife’s insider mother, is a way for the child to provide the adult comforting that was absent but so desperately needed. What clued me in to the fact that my wife really did NOT have any adult insiders was how the insiders interacted with me. A charade is a difficult thing to keep up 24/7 especially if one is a child without personal knowledge of how an adult actually acts.

But remember….never, ever try to “rip the mask” off an insider to prove an adult insider is just a child. That would only cause further trauma and probably make the insider become more resolute to keep up the charade. The mask will come off by itself, when the insider feels safe enough to be him or herself.

Blessings and Merry Christmas to all.

Sam, I Am

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13 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. undercoverdid
    Dec 22, 2010 @ 22:44:10

    what a huge revelation and I can’t speak for everyone but it is very true for us. I’m 21, but was originally 12. Most everyone in the system that i know is about 15 and under :/ And the majority that i know is being a child that had to be an “adult”. We are hyper aware of this with our own children for sure!

    Reply

    • Sam Ruck
      Dec 22, 2010 @ 23:47:02

      Hi LH,

      this makes me wonder if shows like US of Tara are misleading to the public because they will come to expect multiples to have adult insiders. My wife said the overwhelming majority of the ladies on her website are just like her: the insiders are all young.

      Sam

      Reply

  2. RC
    Dec 26, 2010 @ 07:03:03

    I’m a 24 year old insider in our system, created though for a very specific purpose to research a complex topic that was against the rules for the others in this system.

    From what I’ve seen though, this is certainly not common but there are a few exceptions depending on the system and it’s needs. There are not many others my age to interact with in terms of insiders…

    RC

    Reply

    • Sam Ruck
      Dec 26, 2010 @ 11:45:53

      Hi RC,

      Thank you so much for replying. So are you saying that I’m right and typically though not exclusively insiders are little children? I appreciate you sharing your personal situation.

      Sam

      Reply

  3. RC
    Dec 26, 2010 @ 20:15:44

    From what I’ve seen Sam, that appears to be the case. Most insiders are children and teens (we have several 14 year olds and one 16 year old also). I’m no expert but I do research and from everything that I understand , an alter is generally the age that the body was when created. By the time most systems are an adult body age, there is no longer a need to create another alter however it can still happen as the person with DID has a well established ability to dissociate and split if the need is great enough.

    You are welcome to email me if you would like to discuss further. Like I said, I’m not a professional and I’m not an expert, but I know it sometimes helps to talk. 🙂

    RC

    Reply

  4. Sam Ruck
    Jan 29, 2011 @ 21:15:27

    I’ve begun referring to this tendency of the insiders who present themselves in the beginning as older and more mature than they really are until they feel safe to “be themselves” as The Regression. Of my wife’s inside girls who have joined my family on the outside, only Sophia has not regressed: Amy, Alley and Shelly each have. I feel that if I had not made conditions right for the girls to feel safe to enter this phase, their ability to heal would have been severely hampered for their ruse to present themselves as older and more mature means they still felt unsafe: their defenses were still up until they regressed.

    Sam

    Reply

  5. Sadie
    Feb 13, 2011 @ 01:54:00

    Hi Sam~
    I happened to come acrossed your blog today and I like what youve started here and gonna have our hubby read it or attempt to lol.
    We don’t have DID we have DDNOS.Similiar, but different criteria.
    I am an alter actually- the angry teenager.
    anyhow, not long ago we had another make himself known. yes an adult male,emotionally abusive like our first husband.
    We aren’t sure how to handle it all especially since he has bluntly and clearly expressed his hatred for us all and his frustration with “his needs” and the body. hmm..
    Iknow you aren’t a professional, but curious if your wife experiences anything like this inside..
    Think our hubby is struggling a bit with the idea of this”new”one as well.
    We are all quiet uncomfortable with this new one.*sigh*

    anyhow kudos to you and your blog! we will bookmark it and visit often. Keep up your great work. you are doing a great job with your wife and her others and this blog is very helpful i believe.
    Thanks,
    SADIE * & the others*

    Reply

    • Sadie
      Feb 13, 2011 @ 02:05:19

      oops sorry im an idiot haha should have read your other replies first huh?

      well as for us.. we have 2 lils(6 and 8 yo females) me (15-17yo female) two adults (22 and 28 yo females) the host/core (34 female) and 2 others of which one is an adult male with no age and one that is more of a spirit type with no age.

      Reply

    • Sam Ruck
      Feb 14, 2011 @ 21:56:48

      Hi Sadie,

      no need to apologize (your other comment). Even though we haven’t had to deal with a male insider with my wife, I would hope I’d treat him just like I have all the other girls: I would meet his needs however he expressed them. Whether or not this male insider is truly an adult is irrelevant. If he expresses himself as that, that’s where I would meet him. I found that Alley (now my girlfriend, but once acting like an angry teenager who hated me with all the passion she could muster) began to change as I followed the steps I laid out in one of my earliest posts “Defusing the anger of the defender.” It wasn’t a quick fix but as I stayed humble and noncombative, Alley slowly began to forgive me and now she is to the point of regularly saying she loves me.

      Even though this insider expresses himself as a male, I hope your husband can be confident enough in himself to know that this is NO reflection upon himself or upon the body of his wife, but it was simply the way her mind thought it was best to deal with an abusive first husband, and that in time your husband and the insider may even become good friends; that is where the real healing will come.

      I don’t know if this answers your questions or not. I’m sorry I didn’t reply back sooner, I didn’t keep an eye on this blog over the weekend.

      Thanks for visiting!

      Sam

      Reply

  6. Sadie
    Feb 16, 2011 @ 18:29:09

    hi sam..
    I am replying for sadie. Iam karma another alter in this bunch lol sarah our 6 yr old wants out so if our typing is real bad that will be the reason .. she is dyig to say “hihihihi =)”

    Richard, our abusive male one, has been contained,locked away.He had begun to not only emotionally abuse us but he was sexually abusing sadie as well.. confusing I can imagine..sorry. anyhow he is no longer an issue for us.
    that is great how good things had turned out with Alley.
    It was somewhat similiar for Sadie with our current husband. She felt awkward at first with affection and such but she has learned he isnt bad like the ex was. However, after what Richard did it to her..I am not sure how she may react now.
    Anyhow, Ifeel as if I am getting off the topic and rambling now..plus sarah wants to be outs.
    Thank you.
    we hope the best for you are your wife and her others. We will try our bes tto keep up with it.=)
    Karma

    Reply

  7. chi
    Feb 18, 2011 @ 18:34:02

    *waves* hi sadie/karma/sarah! thanks again for the link to this blog!

    with my network, i’ve noticed that all of the adults are either some type of parental figure, taking care of a little, or a protector of some sort.
    i’m the host, and i don’t even consider myself to be the same age as the body. the body is 25, but i feel that i’m about 19. however i’m terrified to tell my husband this. he’s 8 years older than the body, so i worry that he would consider the age difference to be too much.

    sam, how would you react if you discovered that your wife was significantly younger than the body and younger than you believed her to be?

    Reply

    • Sam Ruck
      Feb 20, 2011 @ 08:36:36

      Hi Shay,

      I’ve thought about this for a couple of days now. The quick answer is I can’t imagine I would be bothered if Karen told me that. Of all the twists and turns DID has meant to me as a husband, I’m not sure that is by any means one of the hardest things I would have had to deal with. And the little you have told me about your husband, he seems pretty supportive. I hope you will trust him with this knowledge if it is bothering you.

      Sam

      Reply

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