Raising My Wife

Near the beginning of our journey through DID land, I wrote this comment in my journal: “Sometimes I think that I may literally be raising my little girl Amy to become the kind of wife that I hope some day Karen will be.” And two years later I’m still convinced that this observation is true of each girl.

Now I’m going to be honest. When I stood up in front of the church at my wedding ceremony, nothing I ever dreamed would have prepared me for what DID would mean to me or my wife. I expected a woman, not a lot of desperately needy and traumatized girls, to be my wife. And yet DID presents a wise man with an unexpected gem in the rough. Based upon my experiences (yes, limited to one woman, but, hey, it’s my blog), I believe as a spouse interacts with the insiders, DID gives him the ability to literally rewrite how his wife (or husband) was emotionally hard wired as a child.

Essentially I have been given the chance to raise my wife as I as shower each girl with love, safety and the things their hearts have desperately craved all these years. Instead of the insecure and somewhat dysfunctional woman that I have known for the last 20+ years, if I do this right, I think she will become a healthy and well adjusted woman.

Sophia is around 2. Amy is 7. And Alleylieu seems to be a “tween,” maybe 11. Each of these ages seems to represent a phase in my wife’s childhood, and as my son and I pour love and appropriate interactions into each of them, my wife, who is the sum of each of these girls and Karen, is being given a second chance to have the healthy, happy and loving childhood she never knew.

Honestly, it’s kind of cool when I think of it. Of all the disorders and dysfunctions that arise from an unhappy childhood, DID literally gives a wise husband the chance to rewrite his wife’s childhood if he approaches it like I have by focusing on the needs of the insiders. And as I have focused on filling them with happy and delightful interactions and experiences, each girl has literally blossomed before my eyes.

There is still healing work to do. But for those who are parents, think of all the joy you had as you watched your children grow up and blossom especially as they overcame adversity or difficult challenges. Now compact all that into a little more than 2 years and that is what it has been like as I have watched these girls move from being almost totally dysfunctional because of the trauma to becoming healthy and vivacious children who stretch their wings more and more each day. And some day I hope we both can enjoy the second chance that DID seems to have saved for us.


Sam, I Am


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