Our Healing Journey

When two people are married, I believe their lives ought to become so intertwined that eventually they become to some degree like one. Some call it being “one flesh.” Now I will be the first to admit that my wife’s DID issues and my own selfishness have severely hampered that ideal state of matrimony for all 22 years we have been married. But I also admit that I never felt like these gave me an excuse to try any less diligently to reach that goal.

So when her DID became apparent and the girls entered my life, I had the attitude that her trials are my trials. In fact, I “owned” her past abuse as “our” past abuse for it in a very real sense has had nearly as devastating of an effect on my life as it has on hers. This kept me from pushing this off as “her” problem, and it also gave me a great incentive to do everything I possibly could to help her in “our” healing journey. I help her in any way that she allows because this affects the woman I love, it affects me and it affects us.

Just because I have this attitude does not mean that Karen and the girls are totally transparent with me. In fact they are frustratingly tight lipped about so many things they are dealing with. Sadly the DID keeps them from sharing my view about oneness in marriage. But anything they entrust to me, I do my best to help in the healing process. And I think that my involvement has speeded the healing process significantly.

DID is a divisive disorder. It literally divides the person who has it. And it will do its best to divide the marriage that must deal with it. That is why attitudes are so important. If you love your spouse and want your marriage relationship to survive and even grow through this process, you need to be in this together. And in the beginning of the healing process especially, you, the non-DID spouse, are going to have to hold the marriage together because for your spouse things will get much worse until they begin to get better.

It’s NOT fair that your needs will be often ignored or unable to be met by her(him) especially with our narcissistic culture screaming at us how much we deserve everything our hearts desire. It may hurt like HELL when you feel trapped in a totally dysfunctional marriage and divorce seems such an easier solution so you can just go and find a healthy spouse (especially when I see others getting divorced over such trivial things compared to what those of us in DID land are dealing with). And it will probably press you to the extreme limits of your ability to endure personal heartache and distress. But you can and will make it through WITH your spouse and your love intact if your attitude keeps you together, united as one, in the healing journey instead of allowing things to become adversarial or simply a “his and hers” marriage in which unity was never really a goal.

Life is best when shared. Burdens are lightest when shared. If you and your spouse find yourselves facing a journey through what many see as the DID wastelands, do everything you can to walk it together. There are many treasures to be found and created in this journey if you will commit to walk it together.

Blessings.

Sam, I Am.

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5 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. bunchofpeople
    May 15, 2011 @ 01:18:33

    This post made me cry.
    All of us who have devoted partners to help us through our trauma, we are blessed.

    Reply

    • Stephanie
      Jul 31, 2016 @ 10:40:33

      I fell in love only to find questions and inconsistencies. Then, overwhelmed by unexplainable behavior and what I soon realised was my witnessing of the switching… It all fell into place, the pieces of the strange puzzle. But I will always like him.
      I hope to be allowed to walk beside him on this life journey. To travel together. I do what I can to gently keep the door open between us even as he is hiding in silence, in the shadows, rejecting non judgemental, unconditional friendship and love.
      I keep reading the importance of patience, enless patience. I guess that is one of my tests or issues .
      Thank you all for sharing.

      Reply

  2. Stephanie
    Jul 31, 2016 @ 10:23:34

    Beautiful.

    Reply

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