The Ring of Power

I’ve written previously about how hard I’ve tried for the last two years to meet the needs of my girls. Because I do, I think we’ve side stepped all kinds of pitfalls that I read about in typical healing journeys through DID. My girls (Karen’s insiders) rarely act out or do anything unless they get permission from me or Karen because they know they only need to ask and I will make it happen if it is humanly possible. It has also sped the healing significantly because it allows their therapy sessions to focus on the past traumas since their present felt needs are met (think Maslow’s hierarchy of needs http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Maslow’s_hierarchy_of_needs). And sometimes in my ignorance I’ve even wondered if it has limited the number of insiders needed in my wife’s network to process the trauma today (having read accounts where people continue to “split” in the present if they don’t feel safe or even to please significant other’s expectations).

When I try to meet my girls’ needs, my goal is always, simply to love and care for them. Though I know there is a pragmatic side in meeting their needs, I never evaluate the possible effect in a manipulative way to see if the result is “worthy” of the need being met. I just try to meet the needs, and let the results take care of themselves.

That being said, the results do vary greatly just as they would with any person. Sometimes the gifts we give to others are barely noticed while other gifts may have life-changing powers we could never have foreseen. Or maybe it’s just that all the little gifts empower the life-changing ones, i.e. the “big” ones would have no power if it weren’t for all the little ones that prove we aren’t simply trying to manipulate the other person.

Anyway, throughout the last two years, the gifts I’ve given and the needs I have met have fallen along the typical 1-10 scale. But for all the needs met and gifts given that seem to barely register a “1” on the scale for how they have seemingly been received, every once in awhile I hit a 10.

And so it has been with the ring I recently gave my girlfriend. I could never have foreseen the seismic proportions this simple gift would have on my girl as I have given both Amy and Alleylieu rings in the past. For weeks now since I put it on her finger she has told me, “I’m the kind of girl a boy wants to have as a girlfriend” as she looks at that ring and what it means to her. She makes sure to wear it so that “other boys will know that she already has a boyfriend.” I envision it as a ball ricocheting into every crack and corner of her spirit breaking loose many of the decades-old lies that said she was dirty, broken and no man would ever love her.  Her entire being has literally begun to radiate in the joy of being loved by someone.

So my encouragement to you is don’t ever despair as you try to meet the needs of the various girls (or boys) in your spouse’s network. Don’t ever despise all the little gifts you give and the little things that you do that may go wholly unnoticed and unappreciated by them. Because as you remain faithful to meet their needs, every once in a while you’ll also hit the mother load like I did recently. And what you thought was just another simple gift to say “I love you” and “you are important to me” may have a life-altering impact upon the healing of the one you love.

Blessings.

Sam, I Am.

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4 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Journal of Healing
    Nov 06, 2010 @ 01:33:38

    I just looked through a glass container of some of our “tokens” from over the years, a variety of reminders and safe relationships. Of course I found a few from my husband, that i am recently separated from. I found the princess bracelet he gave our little 7 year old inside. They had such a special relationship. But it is so sad that he chose to in the month before we left take her princess bride movie away from her because he said it wasn’t hers any longer. It was his too. It broke her heart, and her “Mr. Michael” was no longer a nice man to her. Sigh.

    I hope he gets it. He has so much potential, but potential doesn’t mean that we shouldn’t hide like hell when he is so incredibly unsafe to so many in our system.

    Thank you for doing what you do and doing to the best of your ability. I have no clue if my husband has chosen to read this blog yet…I hope he does. I think he would have alot to learn from hearing another husband’s perspective.

    Blessings on YOU too,

    ang from ang et al

    Reply

    • Sam Ruck
      Nov 06, 2010 @ 09:12:24

      Hi Ang,

      I’ve thought a lot about our interaction the last couple of weeks. I’m so sorry for your 7 year old. When I have struggled during the last two years both Karen and Alleylieu have mentioned how devasted Amy would be if we split up. And sometimes the girls needs are enough to snap me out of my self-pity…but I have almost NO baggage from childhood so I only have to deal with personal issues from my adulthood.

      I wonder if my blog is too lopsided toward the DID spouse’s needs for a husband who is really struggling with the lack of his needs being met. My personal journal gives me enough venting space …but sometimes just barely. I hope sometime soon to try to explore in a safe, and NON-venting manner, how to find ways to meet the needs of the non-DID spouse without transgressing the needs of the DID spouse. I’m the first to admit, I have not been balanced at this at all in my own life. I hope I can generate some better discussion than I normally get on this blog because this is extremely important if marriages are going to not only make it through this healing journey together, but actually thrive and create bonding and healing memories in the process.

      Sam

      Reply

  2. Stephanie
    Jul 31, 2016 @ 15:02:03

    Again, thank you and others like you for the honesty, devotion, love and wealth of experiance, trails and tribulations, and the sharing of, that bring awareness, hope, inspiration and guidance.
    I myself am now in a quiet time of reflection and learning. I have been told, now is my quiet time before great activity.
    Thank you is not enough!

    Reply

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