Trying to Find Support for Myself

Trying to create a support network for myself during this healing journey has been exceedingly difficult. To make things harder my girls have tried to put a “gag order” upon me. They tell me that some people with DID talk about it freely, or at least freely with others who have DID. But they are in the other category of those who desire absolute secrecy and anonymity even with the other ladies on their survivors’ forum.

So I have tried to honor their desires for secrecy and anonymity as much as possible; HOWEVER, I have needs too. This path toward their healing has been the most difficult thing in which I have ever participated. As the girls have come outside, in the beginning I picked up all household duties. I lost most adult companionship with my wife, and our “bad” sex life slowly asphyxiated into no sex life as I am giving Alleylieu time to get healed from the sexual times we had together without my knowledge.

Many, many times I examined my options: 1) suicide and fulfill my marriage vows “til death do us part” 2) run away to try and keep my sanity 3) divorce—not really an option that I wanted 4) stay in the marriage but let her struggle alone in the healing process (talk about shooting yourself in the foot!) or 5) somehow stay the course and help in any way that I can the woman I love to get healed. But if I was going to make it through this, it is NOT unreasonable that I have some kind of support network in spite of their gag order. The girls had me and my son. They had their theophostic facilitator whom they considered a friend. And they also had all the women on their forum.

I had no support because as much help as my son was to the girls, he was very little emotional support to me. And that is never to denigrate all the stuff he did while I was gone at work. He kept the house going, fed Amy and Alleylieu, did some chores, and fulfilled the role of big brother wonderfully especially the first year. Without him I know the girls would not be nearly as far in their healing. But he refused to talk with me about the situation. Maybe he didn’t need that, but I did.

Now before you consider people to include in your support network, you do need to understand that some people will be “safe” people to share with and others will NOT be. This is true of any confidante. Additionally I have wondered if the younger generation of the 20 and 30-something crowd view DID as no big deal because of the internet and Monk, The United States of Tara, Hoarders: Buried Alive and other shows that have showcased personality and mental disorders. Shows like these have taken away a lot of the mystery and stigma surrounding such issues. And even though there’s a lot of disinformation out there, most of the people I have talked with have been extremely empathetic and understanding. Lastly, I have either told my girls or they have found out about all my attempts to get support. They weren’t always happy that I have told others, but because none of my confidantes have approached Amy or Alleylieu to try to start a relationship with them and none of them have been truly unsafe, I think they have tolerated my need for support. Just remember to choose wisely if you ask for help or you may cause your girls and yourself unneeded emotional stress.

Now I won’t bore you with all the details as I had originally planned. I have emailed family members and relatives and asked church members for help. Mostly I have kept the pleas fairly generic but expressed that Karen was dealing with stuff from her childhood which placed most of the day-to-day tasks at home upon my shoulders. A few people I have been totally transparent with what we are going through.

So what great wisdom can I share? Not much. I have tried and tried to find “3d real-life” support for me and my wife and have largely failed (though my uncle has been coming on strong to help me lately). Everyone has their own lives and their own problems. Everyone is SO busy! So the first thing I have learned is NOT to get angry with all the people I have turned to for help when they couldn’t do more. I’m glad they helped what they did. A couple people have done significantly more than the rest. Even those who could only give a tiny bit of help provided a lifeline no matter how brief we had their attention. If I had truly been all alone during this two-year journey, I’m not sure I would have made it through alive.

The second thing is if you DO find someone who really can invest time to help you, treasure them deeply. I wish I could have had someone to help me clean the house once a week, and a local lady friend for Karen, and someone locally to share completely with me, too. But my girls and I are finally on the upswing, I hope… When we get through this, I hope to become the kind of person that won’t let others struggle on their own as I have had to do.

If your goal is to help your wife and her insiders through the healing process as quickly as they are able to do so, both of you will need a support network. But you will need to be careful as you choose people to confide in.

Blessings.

Sam, I Am.

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2 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. goose
    Nov 05, 2010 @ 16:26:35

    I’m also in a very similar situation with my wife of 22 years. It has been 4 years we’ve been working on a safe and healthy outcome for her and all of her alters. It’s been rather difficult at times but she is a strong and determined woman and I try to match that same strength and determination to help in any way I can.
    I’m not much on typing and checking blogs but if you can see my email feel free to email me and we can communicate that way or even swap phone numbers.
    I am willing to share information and experiences with you only after checking with my wife and her system. We have worked very hard to build the trust with each other and I would never want to put that into jeopardy after all the hard work her and her system have put forth into our relationship. Her alters have shown unbelievable bravery through these past 4 years even after coming from a past such as hers, yet still give a 2nd chance to trust someone to be their friend.
    I feel that trust is the key and the basic foundation of this whole process and without it; I feel that it would be impossible to be an effective part of her support system.
    Goose

    Reply

    • Sam Ruck
      Nov 06, 2010 @ 00:06:07

      Hi Goose,

      I double checked with my girls too. They said my samruck2 at gmail dot com address would feel safest for them. I look forward to hearing from you. I believe you are the first husband to ever visit my blog. Welcome! It’s just nice knowing there’s someone else out there trying to help his girl heal.

      Sam

      Reply

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