Me as Mediator

The basic component of DID is the separation of the various personalities in a broken, internal network. As the insiders come outside to begin the healing process, their communication network is dysfunctional. Enter stage right: the husband as mediator.

Think of a DID person a little like the various nations in North America: though they are connected geographically, the lines of communication have many difficulties to overcome. Thus, I often function as the middle man to my girls. Sometimes it is a little frustrating to have one girl say to me, “will you please tell” another girl whatever message she wants delivered. But in the beginning that is exactly what my girls needed because they didn’t know how to talk among themselves like I naturally can, if I desire. I needed to be a mediator for the girls including my wife. In fact, in the beginning Karen seemed to need the most help. Amy and Alleylieu seemed to treat Karen like an outsider: pun intended.

But I wasn’t only needed to help relay messages from one girl to the next. I was also crucial in mediating “cease fires.” Even now that my girls are doing some things consistently co-consciously they do not necessarily act like “gal pals” on a variety of other issues. When the insiders first came out they were finally stretching their wings on the outside, and each wanted her needs to be met regardless of how it affected the others. So I essentially became the parent-referee that tried to encourage them to take turns with each other. Sometimes Karen and Amy wanted me to be “the enforcer” and make the other girls do whatever the one speaking to me desired, but I rarely acquiesced to this role unless I felt someone was being traumatized by the lack of cooperation.

Most of the time with a little bit of encouragement Amy and Alleylieu take turns fairly well. Karen is the one who is often given the short end of the stick. However, couple of months ago Amy and Alleylieu got into a power play. The first year Amy had the outside largely to herself. But as Alleylieu has begun healing and becoming a part of our family, she decided she wanted to be outside as much as she desired. For a couple of weeks this mediator (me) started feeling under fire. I kept begging everyone to work together and try to share and take turns if sharing wasn’t an option, but the complaints continued to escalate until I essentially said I was withdrawing from the fights and they could settle things themselves!

Well that didn’t work either because Amy became frantic that no one would “stand up and fight for her.” “Daddy, you promised that you would never allow anyone to lock me up again.” So she cajoled me back into my ambassadorship. I always tell them, “I love it most when all my girls are happy. And they are always happy when they are working together.”

Right now I am a necessary crutch that my girls need. And it’s ok for a broken person to use a crutch. I help my girls function more cooperatively while they work on repairing their broken lines of communication. As they have learned to talk with each other more, I’m slowly able to withdrawal from this role. We haven’t arrived at the point yet where my mediating skills are no longer needed, but my girls have come a long way.


Sam, I Am


1 Comment (+add yours?)

  1. undercoverdid
    Jul 20, 2010 @ 10:18:33

    Mediator is a tough role I can imagine! In some ways a therapist has the role, in our case we have rarely used a mediator (remember we gotta be tough LOL!) Some things probably take a longer time without a mediator though. We have several requests on the table and still trying to figure out how to handle it. I think it’s awesome that you are involved because to have an outsider be able to help mediate and figure out how things can work out in day to day is awesome. My husband does it to a degree but a different degree. Mediation is a big key in DID though for sure!


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