Wooing the Insiders Out

Well just because Karen told me she “might” have DID, didn’t mean my life was suddenly invaded with her insiders. For the next couple of months I spent many of my hours each day wooing them outside. Think of them as scared little animals and each day I patiently held some food in my hand as they cautiously overcame their fears of me until the day they were willing to begin eating out of my hand.

In the beginning my wife was the middle man. The insiders would sometimes say something to her that they wanted me to know. But often I was the one initiating the contact. We spoke to each other through my wife. I addressed the girls, and my wife would let me know the response, if any.

Sometimes I would offer to do fun things that I thought a little girl would like to do. Or I would buy special little gifts that were age appropriate. One of the biggest hits was when I offered to do a “girls night” together (me being the other “girl” of course!) where we watched movies, had pizza and popcorn, did facials and pedicures, painted our nails and the greatest delight was when I let the one little girl make up my face however she wanted. Most of the night she stayed just under the surface, but you should have seen her eyes as she delightedly and mischievously made my face into the prettiest around.

After that night we kind of moved into the next phase where two of the girls began coming out briefly to be with me. The little animals were finally eating in my hand, but they were still nervous and timid. At the slightest movement they would jump out of my hands and scurry back to safety.

And that’s how the first two girls were. I began reading them stories at work during my break and also at bedtime. I would begin with Karen and then Amy would venture out during our story time. She also wanted me to begin writing her daily emails from work to which she would respond. And Sophia desperately wanted to be “clean.” She was the one who had been sexually abused. She wanted a bath because of the filth of the abuse. So I gave her nightly baths. Karen hated these baths as she felt ridiculous, but the baths were desperately important to Sophia. And I did other things like that. Things that I thought little girls would find fun or things that the girls themselves requested as we slowly forged a relationship.

The other critical thing I learned was to be gentle. Little animals are scared of sudden movements and loud sounds. Our marriage had been tension filled for 20 years because of the dysfunction. I often was guilty of speaking sharply because of my emotional disappointments and hurts. But when I finally understood what was going on inside my wife and especially that there were literally little girls hiding inside, it gave me the ability to look past my own hurts and be gentle for the sake of these little girls.

One thing that especially helped the girls to know that I was happy with them was simply to call them “Honey.” It’s amazing the difference in feeling that the same sentence can have simply by beginning or ending it with “Honey.” Now I’m so used to calling my girls “Honey,” that I have to watch out because sometimes I call other people that internally, and every once in a while I slip and actually speak it out loud!

So as I began to reach out to these frightened little girls, doing things that would interest them, and also as I learned how to be gentle in ALL my speech and actions, slowly those timid, little animals became emboldened knowing that this big man would never hurt them. And the wooing continues….


Sam, I Am.


8 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. not ready to disclose
    Jun 25, 2013 @ 23:32:37

    Sam How did you learn how to woo the girls out? I feel lost on what to do. I understand that once you understood what was happening, patience came earier because I get that. I wish I knew what my role is.


    • Sam Ruck
      Jun 25, 2013 @ 23:37:47

      Think of it like dating. I “dated” each girl that came out, found out what she liked/didn’t like. Also for Alley the defender, I had to find out how I had offended her and I made amends (see Defusing the Anger of the Defender). Essentially I had to “win the heart” of each insider individually, but I assumed no prior relationship with them from their perspective.


  2. Trackback: I Didn’t See that Coming… | Loving My DID Girl(s)
  3. Micah
    Feb 01, 2017 @ 11:36:10

    Thanks,Sam. I have always been very loving to her as I genuinely love her. I have got upset with her about lies and she will deny, deny , deny. I think her other identity comes out when I question her on lies. She gets VERY mean and lashes out at me. She will give me ultimatums. She even said that if I wouldn’t answer the phone after our last big fight when I was t responding to her that she would immediately go cheat on me and that this is how she copes with breakups. She says she loves me and wants to marry me but then does and says things like this. I’m not sure if it is sexually driven to be seeing others or for her protection to have someone there in case one of the relationships s end as her past relationships have. She was also panicked when I posted the first picture of us on her Facebook page I think because she knew other men would find out she was seeing someone and no longer be interested in her.


    • Sam Ruck
      Feb 01, 2017 @ 14:31:20

      Hi Micah,
      a lot of what you are sharing sounds very much like d.i.d. I don’t know how much research you have done on this disorder and also what place in the healing process an SO can have. Most of what is out there is not very couple oriented. What you’ll find on this blog is couple oriented to the extreme. My wife and I are walking this healing journey TOGETHER. I can do things to help her heal that no one else in the world could do for my wife…but it is a hard journey. A lot of other places out there, take a very different approach. So you just kind of have to decided what’s right for you and her. I use attachment theory (yes, real, evidence-based science) and have discovered some other things that work well along the way, and for the most part my wife is doing very, very, very well. But I’m ALL in. You may not be in a place that you can do that, but that doesn’t mean you can’t pick and choose from here and/or other places too. If you decide you like what you see on this blog, I will do what I can to help you and answer any specific questions you may have as you read thru the entries. If you use the “site index” up at the top, it will allow you to choose topics a little more systematically, though they are very generalized categories.

      Whatever you choose, I wish you and your wife(?)/SO well. It is a very hard journey, but it is possible to make it through. And there have been a lot of really special moments that help the hard times not feel quite so bad.



  4. Micah
    Feb 01, 2017 @ 11:38:22

    The way she lashes out and the things she says when lashing out with the ultimatums is SO different than how she typically is.


  5. Micah
    Feb 01, 2017 @ 11:45:38

    She has also told me that she was self destructive although she wouldn’t tell me how. Just said she didn’t think she deserved to be happy.


    • Sam Ruck
      Feb 01, 2017 @ 14:36:13

      yes, both of these are common with d.i.d., though, to be honest, probably with other abuse victims as well. It takes time, patience and a lot of love, but all this CAN be undone. I’ve pretty much completely ‘reprogrammed’ the lies and self-loathing my wife used to have as a result of her abuse. She’s become a very beautiful woman at this point and is one of the most balanced people I know anywhere, including myself in that…


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