Why I do what I do.

Trigger warning: If Christian words or Christianity is triggering, this entry is not for you. Even though I personally am angry with the lack of involvement that I see from God in my wife’s healing process, yet how the Bible mandates for a husband to treat his wife is undeniably the only motivating factor in how I take care of my girls. So I guess I feel He at least gave me a map to help her through this valley, even if He didn’t provide us a magic-carpet ride (miracle) across it!

My entire life I have been intrigued with what the Bible says about husbands and wives. And because my marriage became ravaged by my wife’s DID 3 months into our now 22-year marriage (though we only recognized it as such 2 years ago), I became desperate for what the Bible had to say about having a good marriage. Most of the typical ways I have heard marriage described by Christians “according to the Bible” I have found to be selfish, superficial and lacking any ability to withstand the stresses and pressures that DID adds to a marriage.

But after years of desperately seeking an answer I wrote Heaven on Earth, a Bible study from a different perspective, and it was the first thing that broke through to my wife’s heart and convinced her that she needed help. That was surprising because I really didn’t write it with her in mind. I wrote it to help me.

The husband is the head of the wife, Ephesians 5:22-33. What I learned is that this passage typically used by men to dominate their wives, and desperately fought by women as a result, is actually a passage about a husband’s call to nourish, cherish and give himself up for his wife like Christ did the church. For a man with a DID wife, this was exactly what I needed to learn. Now I understand that true biblical headship is a call for me to leave my world like Christ left heaven’s glories and enter into my wife’s world like Christ entered ours. He knew exactly what a mess we were in, but He still pursued us to be His bride. And even though I did NOT understand what a “mess” my wife was, headship is my call to enter into her world and her pain and to help her until she becomes a spotless wife without “wrinkle or blemish.”

My wife is the weaker vessel, 1 Peter 3:7. If my wife is the weaker vessel then that means I am the stronger one. And according to 1 Corinthians 12:12-26 the weaker are honorable. In this world weakness is despised. But as the stronger, it is my duty to help the weaker in an honorable way. This journey through my wife’s DID healing process has been more difficult than anything I could ever imagine. There is NO one to take care of my needs right now, and yet God’s word says I’m the stronger. So even though I don’t feel like the stronger one. Even though I need my needs to be taken care of, right now I have to act like the stronger one for my wife. Period.

The Golden Rule: sacrificial love, 1 John 3:16-18, John 15:12-14, John 13:34,35, Matthew 22:37-40, 1 Corinthians 13:4-8a.). Only two things have I ever truly wanted: to be a man of God and to have a fairy tale marriage. I have failed at both. But when I finally stopped wishing that my wife would/could love me, and simply began focusing on loving her (all my girls), she began to get healed. I don’t expect reciprocation anymore. Sure in my dreams, I hope some day my wife will be healed enough to reciprocate what I do for her, but right now the main question I constantly ask my self is: what needs are my girls expressing and how can I meet them?

There are many more reasons that motivate me to help my girls the way I do, but it would take me pages and pages to explain.  So at the top of my blog, I have a link to Heaven on Earth for any who are interested in the entire study. I think it gives a unique perspective, strong enough to weather the ravages of DID on both spouses. When others have insinuated that I’m acting like a doormat because of how I sacrificially serve my girls, I remind myself that’s how Christ acted when He “despised the shame” and allowed Himself to be brutalized and hung on a cross for us. When I’m too tired to go another day, I remember what true chivalry means and my damsel is in distress and needs her knight to rescue her. When I have no wife to take care of my needs right now, I remember that love is about putting her first. And the thing is, my girls have made fabulous progress as I have learned to treat them this way. I’m by no means perfect, but I try really hard and get back up when I fall. If I can hang on until the end, we’re going to make it through this just fine.


Sam, I Am.


1 Comment (+add yours?)

  1. Vague
    Jun 30, 2010 @ 20:37:27



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