Life Lessons vs. Coping Skills
24 Jan 2012 4 Comments
in DID education, DID spouse, DID theory, DID/MPD, Dissociation, Dissociative Identity Disorder, mental illness/mental health, Multiple Personality Disorder Tags: coping skills, dissociative identity disorder, inside-out approach, insiders, interacting with insiders, life skills, multiple personality disorder, the host, trauma victims
For those of you who have followed the healing journey that my girls and I have been on from the beginning, you may know that we are doing things about the exact opposite of what is often espoused for the healing of dissociative identity disorder or what’s a.k.a multiple personality disorder. One of the major tenets in our methodology is that Karen and I have adopted an “inside out approach” to healing. In other words we focus on healing the insiders not the host (maybe a 70-30 split is a more accurate picture!).
Karen told me that she has learned “coping skills.” As I have followed the blogs of other ladies with d.i.d. I am vaguely aware of what that term means. However, I will profess my relative ignorance of them because my greatest focus has been with the little girls. I think coping skills are typically taught to the host so that she/he can deal with panic attacks and triggers whenever they arise. To any of my readers, I would love a succinct definition or explanation of coping skills from your perspective.
However, because the vast majority of my attention has been on the 5 little girls’ healing, I spend my days teaching life lessons NOT coping skills. Here is the critical difference as I see it between the two. Coping skills are taught to the host to deal with the panic attacks that her insiders are having. However, life skills are taught to the insiders who are the ones actually having the panic attacks. In my opinion life skills are simply what any parent teaches their child when they come up against a problem or challenge. Life skills are one of the key skills the insiders need so that panic attacks and triggers become a thing of the past. Life skills develop a healthy way of viewing life. And yet, if my girls are typical of trauma victims, they seem to lack some of the key life skills that other children in a non-abusive environment more often learn.
So, I want to start a small series on a few of the key life skills that I have been teaching the 5 little girls in my wife’s network since the day they joined my life. This won’t be an exhaustive list. But these are critical skills and perspectives that I’ve noticed the girls are lacking, and as I have worked with each girl repeatedly on these issues, panic attacks and triggers have become nearly a thing of the past.
Lastly, I don’t want this to appear like an attack against ladies learning coping skills. As I’ve said, Karen learned them too. In the beginning of the healing journey, I think coping skills are necessary because everything was in disarray when the little girls first entered our lives. BUT, if a person doesn’t move beyond the need for coping skills, then in my opinion, it’s a sure sign that the healing still needs to go deeper.
Blessings,
Sam, I Am
Jan 24, 2012 @ 20:09:09
So true I am on my own and having to do this for myself. Parenting the young ones inside. You are inspiring. Thank-you
Jan 24, 2012 @ 21:58:58
Hi Ann,
Good luck to you all. Thanks for stopping by.
Sam
Jan 27, 2012 @ 15:29:19
I understand what you are saying: if ‘they’ could handle their own ‘problems’, triggers, and emotional outbursts, then the host can be less ‘distracted’ (or distressed to use a better word) by their ‘problems’. A fine cut of the hair there – but yes, an important yet subtle distinction in terms of ‘who’ is doing ‘what’ and its effect on ‘everybody else’.
I sense that ‘we’ (The two major ‘grownup selves, M3 and Jeffery Thompson) are and have been in the process of trying to teach ‘life skills’ to our littles – however, we had not had any idea that this was exactly what we’ve been doing (and it’s been slow). However, with a more narrowed focus (given by your elucidation of a goal), we may be more better able to accomplish, or at least work on this thing.
Good insight, Sam, as always. Thanks much.
Jeff & Crew
Jan 28, 2012 @ 08:52:40
Hey Jeff,
thanks for visiting. Good luck, as always, to all you guys. Is your wife still trying to get more involved in your healing process?
Sam