Life Lessons 101: You are Never Alone
27 Jan 2012 Leave a Comment
in DID education, DID spouse, DID theory, DID/MPD, Dissociation, Dissociative Identity Disorder, mental illness/mental health, Multiple Personality Disorder Tags: emotional hardwiring, life lessons, parents, trauma victims
Two are better than one because they have a good return for their labor. For if either of them falls, the one will lift up his companion. But woe to the one who falls when there is not another to lift him up. Furthermore, if two lie down together they keep warm, but how can one be warm alone? And if one can overpower him who is alone, two can resist him. A cord of three strands is not quickly torn apart. (Eccle 4:9-12)
Because so many abuse victims have been traumatized by those professing some sort of religion, I have kept overt references to the Bible to a minimum in this blog. But as I began helping my wife thru the healing of dissociative identity disorder or multiple personality disorder, a picture began to develop in my head of what trauma must feel like to the victim. The little girls who entered my life 4 years ago were scared, frightened and Alley was angry. They felt dirty, unlovable and unwanted. These girls seemed to see themselves as cut off and alone from everyone. They had been abused in secret, and then they had been hidden secretly inside my wife without Karen or my knowledge.
On the other hand, growing up I always felt like my parents were there for me. They supported me in my scholastic, athletic and musical endeavors, and at least one of them always attended any special events I was part of. We ate every dinner meal together as a family, watched TV together and spent most of our weekends together until my older sibs grew up. It left me with an intangible sense of never being alone.
My wife never had that kind of involvement from her parents. But now as I live with and love the 5 little girls, I’m providing the kind of support and involvement they never had, the kind that made such a difference in my own childhood. When we are done with this journey, I expect my wife to have the same confidence that I do: one of never feeling alone or abandoned, one that allows her to face any adversity because she knows help is always near. It’s a life lesson that is so important as we help our loved ones heal.
So I began to hammer home to each girl as she entered my life this message: “Honey, you aren’t alone anymore. I love you and want you to be a part of my family.” I began wearing a cell phone so that they could reach me at any time and encouraged them to call me at work. Additionally the first year the girls came out my then 17-year old son was home at nights (while I worked), while I spent my entire morning and weekends with them. They had 24/7 company and care taking when needed. And whenever panic attacks hit them, I would take them gently in my arms while I rocked them and stroked their face and hair as I repeated over and over, “You aren’t alone anymore. I’m here with you. You aren’t alone.”
Even today when the girls get frustrated or upset and I can see them begin to fall back into old habits, I will take them gently in my arms and say the same thing: “You aren’t alone anymore. Honey, I’m here with you.”
Another part of this lesson is listening to them and believing them, sometimes even when they make outlandish claims. Amy used to claim to have been a courier for spies in Europe. For a while I blew her off as a delusional child. Then I finally realized that it was important to her that I believe her. So the last time she told me this story I took her seriously. I haven’t heard the story since, and I’m not really sure what she meant by it. But I could tell it was important to her that I believed what she was saying.
How many of our loved ones tried to tell their parents or guardians that something wasn’t right while the abuse was happening only to be ignored? Disbelief on the part of their guardians caused them to be left alone in the abuse. So it’s important that we listen and believe what they are saying, even if it seems fanciful to us. A little child sees things differently than an adult does and may be expressing the truth in the best way he/she knows how. Factual accuracy is NOT important. Listening and validating each insider’s story is important.
As those who are involved in the healing process, we can literally rewrite the emotional hardwiring of our loved ones. Trauma victims are trained to believe that they are alone and helpless. So I’m purposefully rewriting the program so they now hear, “You aren’t alone. I believe you.” It’s a life lesson that is transforming my girls every day from trauma victims into vivacious and healthy girls.
Blessings,
Sam, I Am
Life Lessons vs. Coping Skills
24 Jan 2012 4 Comments
in DID education, DID spouse, DID theory, DID/MPD, Dissociation, Dissociative Identity Disorder, mental illness/mental health, Multiple Personality Disorder Tags: coping skills, dissociative identity disorder, inside-out approach, insiders, interacting with insiders, life skills, multiple personality disorder, the host, trauma victims
For those of you who have followed the healing journey that my girls and I have been on from the beginning, you may know that we are doing things about the exact opposite of what is often espoused for the healing of dissociative identity disorder or what’s a.k.a multiple personality disorder. One of the major tenets in our methodology is that Karen and I have adopted an “inside out approach” to healing. In other words we focus on healing the insiders not the host (maybe a 70-30 split is a more accurate picture!).
Karen told me that she has learned “coping skills.” As I have followed the blogs of other ladies with d.i.d. I am vaguely aware of what that term means. However, I will profess my relative ignorance of them because my greatest focus has been with the little girls. I think coping skills are typically taught to the host so that she/he can deal with panic attacks and triggers whenever they arise. To any of my readers, I would love a succinct definition or explanation of coping skills from your perspective.
However, because the vast majority of my attention has been on the 5 little girls’ healing, I spend my days teaching life lessons NOT coping skills. Here is the critical difference as I see it between the two. Coping skills are taught to the host to deal with the panic attacks that her insiders are having. However, life skills are taught to the insiders who are the ones actually having the panic attacks. In my opinion life skills are simply what any parent teaches their child when they come up against a problem or challenge. Life skills are one of the key skills the insiders need so that panic attacks and triggers become a thing of the past. Life skills develop a healthy way of viewing life. And yet, if my girls are typical of trauma victims, they seem to lack some of the key life skills that other children in a non-abusive environment more often learn.
So, I want to start a small series on a few of the key life skills that I have been teaching the 5 little girls in my wife’s network since the day they joined my life. This won’t be an exhaustive list. But these are critical skills and perspectives that I’ve noticed the girls are lacking, and as I have worked with each girl repeatedly on these issues, panic attacks and triggers have become nearly a thing of the past.
Lastly, I don’t want this to appear like an attack against ladies learning coping skills. As I’ve said, Karen learned them too. In the beginning of the healing journey, I think coping skills are necessary because everything was in disarray when the little girls first entered our lives. BUT, if a person doesn’t move beyond the need for coping skills, then in my opinion, it’s a sure sign that the healing still needs to go deeper.
Blessings,
Sam, I Am
Snippets
15 Dec 2011 8 Comments
in DID education, DID spouse, DID theory, DID/MPD, Dissociation, Dissociative Identity Disorder, mental illness/mental health, Multiple Personality Disorder Tags: dissociative identity disorder, healing methods, littles, multiple personality disorder, patience, reparenting, self-denial, self-sacrifice, trauma victims
I’ve wanted to write another entry for a while, but all I have are snippets at this moment. So I thought I’d throw out a bunch of snippets for us to remember about dissociative identity disorder or multiple personality disorder from a husband’s perspective.
Putting first things first. When Karen and I first started on this journey, I contacted a therapist about my struggles, but her response was she wanted to do marriage counseling with us. Wrong! We are at the stage in our healing journey, that every week I see signs of healing in my marriage, but that is because we focused on healing the little girls first. Now, as they become more and more a part of our lives, they are naturally enabling Karen to do things that she never could do without them. As hard as it has been to put my/our needs for a healthy marriage on the backburner (yes, especially sex, guys), by putting first things first and focusing on the little girls’, their healing is now naturally finding its way into our marriage relationship.
D.I.D. headaches. For my wife, when an inside girl finally “decides” to move outside in a much more permanent fashion, everyone goes through a 3-4 day stretch of nearly debilitating headaches. I always get a mental picture of a piece of machinery that hasn’t been used for decades and when it is first restarted it runs very roughly until the lubricants get flowing and all the rust gets worn off the moving parts. Though Sophia has been a part of our lives from the first, she stayed inside most of the time except for her once-a-week bath and story time with me. Recently she “decided” to come out more permanently. Hurray, but ouch, it was a painful couple of days for my girls.
Taking care of Myself. I haven’t done very well at it. I have given 200% to helping my girls heal, and now I think I gave myself an ulcer from the stress and lack of regular meals. I had to realize that my health issues were scaring the little girls. So I’m trying to be a good boy now, and eat regularly and take my Prilosec and hopefully my stomach issues will be resolved. Otherwise, it’s off to the doctor I’ll go. Secondary trauma issues. I wanted to think I was unsusceptible to them, and I do think the experts are TOO cautious (I have to do what has to be done.), but my lack of care for myself caught up with me.
Be Careful What You Read. There are a lot of psychological ideas out there that are very unhelpful to the healing process of someone with d.i.d. It can be mind-boggling trying to wade through all the information. In the end you need to listen to yourself and to the loved one you are helping. The feeling of love, safety and acceptance each insider has is paramount. And your ability to cope with the self-sacrifices and self-denial necessary (something the popular literature rarely discusses) to help them heal must be closely watched too. If you are in a position of strength and emotional health, you will be able to do more for your loved one with less risk to yourself. So read, but do it with discernment because modern psychology seems to be predicated upon each person’s inherent self-ishness, but I believe for my wife’s healing, I can and must overcome that tendency in me (no matter how much it may hurt at times).
Be sure to Read Opposing points of Views. I subscribe to Jeanette Bartha’s blog (http://jeanettebartha.wordpress.com/), Multiple Personalities Don’t Exist, because if my position can’t withstand her criticism of d.i.d. and the treatment methodologies typically used, then I am on shaky ground. She has some valid points that ISSTD and company aren’t listening to. And we shouldn’t be shaken by the claims of the False Memory Society either . I normally find the truth somewhere in the middle, and these people have some valid points to make even if I don’t agree with all of what they say.
Reparenting. There, I said it. Actually Keith, a fellow-reparenter, said it first in a recent comment he made on this blog. If my methodology had to be given a name, it’s probably that. No husband or partner dreams of having to re-parent his spouse or SO, but from what I’ve read in the blogs and literature out there (meaning I hardly see anyone else doing it or espousing it), this method seems to make all the difference in the world with the safety of the journey and the depth of the healing for the one with d.i.d. This methodology will shoot to hell a lot of pop psych stuff so don’t sweat it if you often feel like you’re going down the wrong way of a one-way street, but always be sure to treat your spouse/SO with the respect and love s/he deserves as an equal even when dealing with the littles.
Don’t give Up. I have been reaching out to the last insider (that I have met) for almost a year with little sign of success. She has NEVER said a word to anyone, and I see her infrequently (saw her today!). But as exhausting as it can feel to have so little success to show for my efforts, that little girl needs to know I won’t give up on her. Moreover, I know my wife will never be truly healthy until all the girls are healed. So I may get discouraged, but I must not give up for her sake and our marriage’s.
Seeing the Big Picture. There are times when my girls absolutely cannot see the big picture when it comes to what is most healing for them. So sometimes I have to act as their experienced travel guide on this healing journey. BUT I’m not always right, and sometimes they simply aren’t quite ready for something that I know will help them heal. So I try to listen to them lots and lots for feedback and I don’t allow my ego to be insulted when they disagree or refuse to follow as I guide them along the healing path. Be a humble guide.
Patience. I was told as a new Christian to NEVER pray for patience. I was foolish and didn’t listen. Since then I’ve often begged God to let me take back my prayer as it pertains to my wife’s healing, but alas, He seems unwilling to do so. But patience seems to be key to a thorough healing for all my girls. They have been hurting for 40+ years. Do I want their healing done quickly or do I want it done thoroughly? Do I want a Rolls Royce or a Yugo when my wife is done healing? As much as Karen and I are BOTH so tired of this healing process, when I keep asking her if she wants us to change what we are doing, we both understand that what we are doing is creating a masterpiece out of her shattered childhood. I’m just not willing to be impatient and push the girls faster than they are able to go.
Mental Trauma vs. Physical Trauma. I have come to realize that my girls in many ways are no different than someone who was in a life-threatening car accident and sustained massive injuries. We need to understand that trauma victims need the same kind of comprehensive care at first whether the injuries were physical or emotional. 3 years ago my wife had emergency surgery and it took 3 months of me caring for her but also pushing her toward independence before she got there. Now I often see myself as carrying the little girls and Karen on my back, so to speak, while they are convalescing from their emotional trauma. It’s a good thing for me to be their crutch in spite of what others may say. But my goal is their full recovery when I no longer have to carry them. So I gently push them toward that goal.
Well that’s enough snippets for now. If you celebrate Christmas, I wish each of you a special time of the year. It’s fun to have so many little girls in the house right now. If you don’t do Christmas, holiday blessings to you and I wish a better year for all of us as 2012 approaches.
Blessings,
Sam, I Am
The Difference is the Price of the Toys…
04 Nov 2011 11 Comments
in DID education, DID spouse, DID theory, DID/MPD, Dissociation, Dissociative Identity Disorder, mental illness/mental health, Multiple Personality Disorder Tags: big girl toy, Christmas gifts, die cutters, growing up, healing guide, Peter Pan, the price of the toys, webkinz
There’s a current saying that the difference between men and boys is the price of the toys. I’ve never cared for that saying having very few toys in my life right now. But one of the greatest struggles I’ve had as I have tried to guide the little girls’ healing journey is this: how do I help them grow up?
I joke with Amy that she is like Peter Pan who never wanted to grow up. She has always associated herself with her age VERY strongly. When she joined me on the outside 3 years ago she was age 6. Then I got her to have one birthday to age 7. But then their counselor told her birthday’s weren’t necessary (sigh) and so Amy has stagnated at 7. And even though Karen and I both observe Amy growing up in her mannerisms and abilities, Amy vigorously proclaims she is STILL 7!
The other 4 little girls all voice a desire to grow up. Yet often when they are presented with an issue that requires them to be more mature, they will tell me, “I’m still just a little girl.” Sigh.
Now all the little girls are growing up in spite of how they view themselves, but the self-perception and feeling of being a little girl is thoroughly ingrained in them. And that’s understandable. Unlike me, my wife’s little girls have been children for 40 years. They don’t know anything else. They are unlike a normal child who can’t wait to grow up, who can’t wait to become a teenager at 13, then 16 so he/she can drive, 18 so he/she can vote, 21 so he/she can drink alcohol. It’s a race to get through childhood for most children: but not for my wife’s insiders. They still feel “little” even the two who act nearly like teens.
But this week I bought the 5 girls who love to scrapbook a top-of-the-line die cutter for Christmas. It is scheduled to arrive tomorrow, and none of them pretend to be able to wait until December 25 to open their gift. All 5 girls are ecstatic that I would do this for them. KA and Karen are dreaming of how they can pursue their artistic desires with it, but the other 3 are just as excited.
As my wife’s healing “guide” I have been playing this up as a “big girl toy” especially to Amy. We have talked that she doesn’t have to stop playing if she grows up: her toys will simply change (e.g. her die cutter). She doesn’t have to give up all her current toys in order to “play” with her big girl toy either. I’ve also emphasized that such a toy has a learning curve and she needs to be willing to cut back on the hours each day she and the other little girls spend playing webkinz and such so she can use this toy properly. A fact she acknowledges.
I don’t know. It’s too early to tell. And this big girl toy is simply one component of many, many things I have done to help the girls grow and heal, so I realize I can’t take it out of the context of everything else that has happened these last 4 years. But the way the little girls are acting right now, I wonder if this “big girl toy” will be the thing that finally releases them to grow up in the way they perceive themselves.
I’ve never been much for big boy toys, but maybe there will be healing power in a “big girl toy” for my girls. Maybe the difference really will be in the price of their toys.
Blessings for now,
Sam, I Am
A Husband’s Definition of Dissociative Identity Disorder
11 Oct 2011 26 Comments
in DID education, DID spouse, DID theory, DID/MPD, Dissociation, Dissociative Identity Disorder, mental illness/mental health, Multiple Personality Disorder Tags: disorder, dissociation, identity, mental suspended animation, trauma
When my wife first came home 3 ½ years ago from a counseling session and suggested she might have dissociative identity disorder, my mind was blank. I had absolutely no idea what that meant. Then when I found out it used to be called multiple personality disorder, all the whacked out ideas that Hollywood has promulgated assaulted my mind. Aren’t those kinds of people always twisted sociopaths? Fear briefly gripped my heart.
Since that baptism by fire nearly 3 ½ years ago, my understanding of this personality disorder has become very intimate. Psychological terms like alters transformed into personal relationships with wonderful little girls like Amy, Alley, Sophia, Shelly and KA. What used to seem like extreme selfishness and sometimes emotional cruelty in my wife began to make sense. And a hopeless marriage was given a second chance to have a “happily ever after” ending.
So what is d.i.d.? The first word is dissociative. A layman’s definition of dissociation would be something that is “broken, hidden, split apart, compartmentalized, uncommunicative, etc.” This is a critical difference between me and my girls. I often tell my girls that we both have multiple voices in our heads, but the key difference between a singleton and a multiple is that the voices in my head do not block out or lock up any of the other voices in my head. Sometimes it’s a free-for-all in my mind, but all my voices get a chance to be heard. That’s not the case for someone with d.i.d. For someone with d.i.d. the voices get separated and compartmentalized. And since they are compartmentalized, each voice learns to act independently and often without any regard for the others. Sometimes they don’t even realize that there ARE others about whom they should be concerned.
Right now the little girls like to watch the series Charmed with me. I pointed out to the girls that the 3 sisters in the series are stronger as they learn to work together. But whenever they are separated they are much weaker. That’s another key thing to remember about dissociation. Dissociation weakens each person (alter) within the network because he or she does not have access to all his/her mental faculties. Amy and Karen swim like a fish. Shelly and Alley sink like a rock. Dissociation or the literal dissolving of the natural bonds between a person’s voices means the mental faculties available to the whole person must now be divided up, often unevenly, among the various girls within my wife’s network.
The second word in d.i.d. is identity. This is the part everyone knows about. A person with d.i.d/m.p.d. has different people/personalities in the same body. It’s the “fascinating” part of the condition that people think is cool or delightful or that gives ignorant script writers a new breed of perfect killers.
But let me reiterate again that I believe most people have multiple voices in their heads. At least I do. I have a defending voice that is quick to note violations by others against myself. I have a voice that is full of self-loathing and self-recriminations. I have a voice that is full of lust and sexual desire. And I have a voice that desperately wants to be taken care of. But because my mind is not dissociated, or separated, my voices all act as “me.” They don’t act independently, so I have never named any of them. They are all part of Sam. And Sam, I am, not Sam, we are.
The last part of d.i.d. is disorder. First I want to explain what “disorder” concerning this disorder is not. I naively didn’t realize how offensive that word is until one of my blog subscribers voiced her strong objections to it. From her perspective I can understand that being constantly told you are dysfunctional would be offensive and unhelpful.
First disorder does NOT mean the person is crazy, dangerous or contagious. Once you understand what’s going on inside someone with d.i.d., all the manifestations typically associated with multiples actually make sense from their perspective. After she was diagnosed with d.i.d. I told my wife that everything finally made sense. Crazy is worshipping the ground my wife walked on only to be ignored by her and treated as non-existent. Fundamentally I believe someone with d.i.d. suffers from a broken heart starved for love, acceptance and safety, but “that ain’t crazy.” And isn’t contagious so there’s no need to keep one’s distance. And from what I understand, it very rarely makes someone dangerous: sorry Hollywood, go find another disorder to malign! Alley, my wife’s defender, hated me when she initially came out, and I NEVER felt unsafe before or after she made her presence known to me.
Second ‘disorder’ does not mean that the person is mentally handicapped or “stupid.” In fact, from what my girls tell me, often a person with d.i.d. will be in the upper ranks of the IQ charts. Amy loves to crow about the fact that she is literally a genius.
Third ‘disorder’ does not mean that everything about d.i.d. is negative. I don’t have space to rehash a large portion of my blog in this entry. If someone asks, I will try to find the links to the most relevant posts on this point, but d.i.d. is NOT the black-hole, bottomless-pit, untreatable disorder that some therapists feel it is. Actually when I found out my wife had d.i.d. I nearly said, “Praise the Lord!” not because she had d.i.d., but because intuitively I finally knew how to bring about her complete healing. D.I.D. has many, many positive points to it both initially as it helps children cope during unbearable trauma and also as it relates to a person’s eventual healing.
I recently noted in my personal journal that the natural delightfulness of my wife’s insiders is probably what helped tip the scales in my willingness to stick out a sometimes one-sided marriage and see my wife thru the healing process. D.I.D. also has enabled me to literally give my wife the happy childhood she didn’t get originally. I have reasons to believe when we are done on this journey, she will be more emotionally well-balanced than most people I know. What other disorder gives you that hope???
However, ‘disorder’ does mean dis-order. After 3 ½ years of helping my girls 24/7, I believe there are two points which most negatively affect my wife. Your loved one’s experience may be different so keep that in mind.
The first point of dis-order comes from the dissociation. As I pointed out previously, dissociation means that each person in the network (or system) is actually weaker than he/she would be as a singleton because the mental faculties of the person are split and compartmentalized among the various people/voices of the network. My girls are finally at the point that they realize they really, truly need each other. During the first two years they would constantly block each other out and try to do things on their own, no matter what the task was or how bad the results. Many, many mistakes and failures occurred because of those attempts.
But finally, they are starting to realize that Karen is the best seamstress. Shelly can comprehend technology better. Sophia holds the ability for deep, restful sleep. They still don’t always act upon that knowledge. They still don’t always want to be part of a “team.” But they finally are acknowledging there is a problem and having a common goal among them is the only way to fix it.
But here’s a note of caution and frustration. Just because you or I can see that the lack of “team work” is causing so much of the dis-order, doesn’t mean we can force them to work together. A person who is dissociative has spent a lifetime being uncommunicative with others in the network. A while ago I discussed ways to encourage greater cooperation, but it’s not something that can be forced. In fact when I tried to encourage the girls to work together more, they resisted it more. So I had to take a more subtle approach that helped them to see the benefits of cooperation on their own.
The second point of dis-order most notable in d.i.d. is the “freezing” of the mental abilities. It’s not only the dissociation of their mental abilities that dis-orders my girls. When the trauma occurs, a child’s mind is broken up into pieces to quarantine the impact of the trauma. When that happens, the mental abilities associated with those “frozen” areas of the mind are never given the chance to develop properly. (Again I’m not talking mentally handicapped, but more like mental suspended animation)
So, my wife was a “klutz” because it seems that Amy controlled areas of the brain that controlled a lot of motor skills that never got developed when Amy got frozen. My wife was sexually dysfunctional because the inside girls clearly control various aspects that are critical to this area of a person: absolute trust, fun, daring, desire to be sexy, desire to please, animal attraction, etc. It is readily apparent to me which aspect each girl controls, and as they have healed and matured, all mental capacities under the control of the insiders have once again begun to develop and mature naturally. Slowly those traits are working their way into our sex life with a positive influence.
Dissociative. Identity.Disorder. Hopefully by defining the terms I can not only remove misunderstanding and offensiveness but also help promote our capacity to help our loved ones heal. Moreover, helping my girls on this healing journey has taught me a lot about myself and my own voices. The divide between multiples and singletons isn’t nearly as wide as either side would like to believe.
Blessings,
Sam, I Am
The Ugly Side of D.I.D.
04 Oct 2011 22 Comments
in DID education, DID spouse, DID theory, DID/MPD, Dissociation, Dissociative Identity Disorder, mental illness/mental health, Multiple Personality Disorder Tags: anti-depressants, healing methods, panic attacks, recovering memories, self injury, suicide, triggers
A number of the d.i.d. bloggers I follow and many I visit from time to time share their struggles with suicide. This seems to be a pervasive issue among those who have dissociative identity disorder, more commonly known as multiple personality disorder. But it’s not only suicide. It seems that non-suicidal depression is ubiquitous necessitating the constant use of anti-depressants. Self-injury and eating disorders are prevalent. Hosts talk about the horrible experience of recovering memories.” Triggers and panic attacks seem to linger well past the end of therapy when a person is considered “healed.” Is wordpress only a venting site for all the dark things surrounding d.i.d.? Does anyone with d.i.d. have a minimally happy life that he/she rarely shares here on wordpress?
I confess my ignorance concerning the statistics on this ugly side of d.i.d., but it seems many struggle greatly in this area. So a couple of days ago I asked Karen, “Do you girls ever have suicide issues?” “No,” she replied, though she said one time in the beginning Alley had wanted to cut them but didn’t. The worst self-injury they’ve done is biting their hands, rarely breaking the skin. They’ve only taken stress pills for 3 dentist appointments in the last 3 years. And I can move the girls past a trigger or panic attack fairly quickly (hour or two tops) on the very rare occasion that they have one.
Honestly, the girls react to things more like a well-adjusted child than a former trauma victim at this point: they get scared. We talk about it. I hold them for a little bit. It’s over, and they move on. I told Alley this past weekend that at this point in their healing journey they (Amy, Alley, KA, Shelly, and Sophia) are some of the happiest people I know. Obviously our journey isn’t over, but the sun shines most days for my girls.
Are there others who have had a similar experience as my girls? Have you relatively quickly gotten through the darker, uglier side of d.i.d. with minimal issues? I would love to hear from you, if you are out there. Did we just get “lucky” not to go through most of those things? Or was my wife only slightly traumatized during her childhood compared to others? Or is our healing methodology the reason why my girls haven’t experienced the ugliest issues commonly associated with d.i.d.?
I really would love to hear from others whether their journey has been filled with the ugly or if it has been similar to ours. I think the general expectation of the experts is that these ugly things WILL be part of the healing journey. But is that creating a self-fulfilling prophecy on the part of the therapist and patient? Moreover, are these things the result of therapy strategies that are less than ideal? I’m not suggesting our journey has been by any means easy. It’s been incredibly hard. It’s been the hardest thing I’ve ever done (sometimes I wonder if it’s been harder on me as I am the one who has struggled with suicide issues and have occasionally taken OTC anti-depressant medicine). But I would not characterize our journey as overshadowed with the ugly side of d.i.d. (maybe just ‘peppered’). Maybe my girls would disagree.
So I ask again: would you be willing to share why you think you didn’t experience the uglier things connected with d.i.d. if your journey has been like ours? What things have helped ease the healing the most and why? I also welcome the opinions from those whose experience has been “ugly”: what would have helped things go better, if you struggle with the dark things? Was there a voice that always begged for some missing “ingredient” in your therapy/healing journey? Are the healing methodologies commonly used for people with d.i.d. actually damaging and traumatizing those with d.i.d.? I don’t believe there is only one way to get healed, but I believe there must be better, less-re-traumatizing ways than the popular methods which bring so many to emotional ruin. The cure should not be as bad as the original trauma or resultant disorder itself.
Thinking and rambling…
Sam, I Am
No, She Can’t Help It
27 Sep 2011 8 Comments
in DID education, DID spouse, DID theory, DID/MPD, Dissociation, Dissociative Identity Disorder, mental illness/mental health, Multiple Personality Disorder Tags: compassion, free will, panic attacks, personal responsibility, pity, religious and political conservative, The Good Samaritan, traumatic childhood
Before I began the journey with my girls through dissociative identity disorder, more commonly known as multiple personality disorder, I was a confirmed religious and political conservative. To me one of the pillars of those positions is total personal responsibility. We are all responsible for our actions and inactions. Period. Plain and simple. Right?
However, as I have been deeply involved in the healing journey with my girls, I was confronted with the fallacy of this a priori assumption. I had never even questioned that someone might literally be unable to control every decision and action that proceeds from their being.
Humans are incredibly complex creatures, and I don’t want to launch into a complex philosophical evaluationof every factor that influences human free will. Philosophy’s not my forte. But in the beginning of our journey especially, as I watched my girls suffer from panic attacks and get triggered from “insignificant” events, I came to realize that they literally were NOT responsible for their every action and inaction. And that realization was a window into my own soul as well.
Dissociative identity disorder is just a disorder on a larger spectrum of human functioning. The more emotionally healthy a person is, the more, I believe, he/she has the ability to exercise freedom of choice in everything. But when a child is exposed to a traumatic childhood, that ability to act in healthy ways is significantly impaired. And that realization helped me take a large step toward proper compassion for my wife.
Pity says, “That’s too bad” but doesn’t help. Disdain says, “You deserve what you’ve got because we all have the same opportunities.” But I see compassion as simply saying, “How can I help?” It’s the story of The Good Samaritan. If you understand the story in the Bible (Luke 10:25-37), there were lots of reasons that the others didn’t help the man who had been beaten and robbed. But the Samaritan ignored the excuses, and at great personal loss, he just did what was needed to help his unknown neighbor.
I still struggle with my upbringing that says we are all personally responsible for our every action and inaction. I’m not saying I’m a radical liberal now who thinks no one is responsible for anything. I still don’t think there is a gene out there for every disorder known to man so that lifestyle choices and other factors are irrelevant. But if we want to help our loved ones heal, we need to get past our desire to blame them for all of their actions. Some actions they are responsible. Some they literally won’t be. But in the end if we want to help them heal, it’s not nearly so important where we assign the blame for various actions as it is that we simply be willing to help wherever and however they need us to help.
They need us to have compassion. They need us to give them grace. They need us to be understanding. Don’t blow things out of proportion. Don’t worry about assigning blame. Don’t force them to accept your help even if it takes them longer because of that decision. Protect their dignity, and walk gently with them through the healing journey.
Blessings,
Sam, I Am (former conservative)
From Amy
23 Sep 2011 6 Comments
in DID education, DID spouse, DID theory, DID/MPD, Dissociation, Dissociative Identity Disorder, mental illness/mental health, Multiple Personality Disorder Tags: alters, dissociative identity disorder, multiple personality disorder
I have been trying to get my girls to “guest blog” on this blog or start a new blog with me. I feel this blog on how to help someone heal from dissociative identity disorder or more commonly known as multiple personality disorder lacks the credibility it might have if it wasn’t only from my perspective. I will keep trying to have them join me, but Amy had something on her mind because she knows my being her daddy has been a hot topic.
The following is from Amy, the seven-year old:
I loves to have a daddy that has time for me and takes good care of me. My first daddy did not ever come home and see me except when I was in the hospital. He never played dolls with me. This daddy loves me all the times and best of all he plays with me and spends time with me.
Blessings to all,
Sam, I Am for Amy
Food Related Issues
21 Sep 2011 6 Comments
in DID education, DID spouse, DID theory, DID/MPD, Dissociation, Dissociative Identity Disorder, mental illness/mental health, Multiple Personality Disorder Tags: anorexia, arbiter, bulimia, dissociative fighting, food issues, Lean Cuisine, weight perception
Food fight! I was only involved in one food fight my entire school career, and I had the sense to dive under a table when it started. Food fights might look like fun on TV, but they can be nasty especially when they involve different people in the network of someone suffering from dissociative identity disorder or more commonly known as multiple personality disorder. There’s no hiding in those fights.
The girls tell me food and weight are two huge issues on the abuse websites they are part of. Some abuse survivors overeat. Others undereat. Plus bulimia and anorexia often are linked to the trauma as well. As spouses and partners of our loved ones, what role can we play to bring healing in this area?
In our situation Karen and Amy were at war over this issue. Karen has little interest in food. When her world was out of control, she always told me that her weight was the one thing she could control. And she was merciless. I’m not even sure she feels hunger like a normal person does. She’s by no means anorexic, but she has a better figure than most teenagers at age 45. For most of our marriage, she has been at the bottom of her height/weight category.
But when Amy entered our lives, she was a girl who loved to eat. Her mother had always tried to manipulate and control her eating and weight growing up because of her own unresolved trauma issues. But in my house, Amy now was allowed to eat things that she found delightful. She was in heaven. She loves to eat so much that she still will eat herself sick because she doesn’t pay attention to her body saying “whoa, Girl. It’s full down here!”
But last year I began to realize a problem. Food was literally a dissociative issue for my wife (host and insiders). Amy was constantly blocking out Karen and the other girls so that she, Amy, could eat whatever and as much as she wanted. And slowly the body’s weight was increasing which became a source of stress and trauma for Karen. At first I kind of aided Amy because I was glad she was finding joy in something that her mother had made unpleasant during her childhood. But then I realized that Amy’s joy was coming at Karen’s expense, and that is NOT healing.
So once I recognized how much dissociative fighting was happening because of food, I took steps to help solve the problem. Now your situation may be different, but the key issue is to find out which people in the network have issues surrounding weight and food and what is important to each of them. Then like a good mediator, you have to help them find a solution that is amenable to all. Look for a win-win solution!
For my girls that meant that I needed to spend a little extra money on food so that I could buy low fat/calorie meals which Amy found tasty and satisfied her hunger pangs and which Karen felt comfortable eating because she knew her weight wouldn’t increase. That means for dinners I now buy lots of frozen meals from the Lean Cuisine section at the grocery store especially their various pizzas which all the little girls love. And we also scoured the stores to find lowfat snacks to satisfy Amy when she or the other little girls get the munchies like lowfat, individually wrapped string cheese, individually wrapped rice crispy treats (100 cals per package), fresh fruit when in season, etc.
Now when it is time to eat, there is a lot less dissociation going on because everyone’s varying needs are getting met. I still have to play mediator from time to time. Amy will call me nearly crying because she says Karen is “starving” her, and so she, Amy, wants me to give her permission to eat something. In those situations, I have to be a neutral arbiter and suggest that she find something that will satisfy her hunger while not stressing Karen’s desire to lose or maintain her weight. But because our house always has acceptable options now, usually everyone can be placated.
Food and weight are huge issues with my girls. I didn’t realize how big they were until I began to address the various needs each girl in the network had and help them work out an amenable solution to all of them. And even though I can’t say that all the dissociation has ceased, we have dramatically cut down the fighting that used to occur.
But let me add one qualification, what I’ve done in this area has NOT addressed all the facets of these issues. Karen still has an improper perception of her body weight. And if you are dealing with bulimia, anorexia, or other related issues, I’m not suggesting everything will disappear by doing what I did. But I see my task as removing any unnecessary hurdles I can, and the rest hopefully will be addressed during counseling sessions.
We spouses and partners are in a unique position to help our loved ones heal in this critical area of their lives. I encourage you to take an active role and help everyone in the network stop the fighting.
Blessings,
Sam, I Am
Holding Out for a Hero?
20 Aug 2011 6 Comments
in DID education, DID spouse, DID theory, DID/MPD, Dissociation, Dissociative Identity Disorder, mental illness/mental health, Multiple Personality Disorder Tags: DID spouse, growing up process, heroes, holding out for a hero, littles, middles, sacrificial love
Bonnie Tyler sang a song for the movie Foot Loose that still gets my blood pumping when I hear it.
Holding Out for a Hero
Where have all the good men gone
And where are all the gods?
Where’s the street-wise Hercules
To fight the rising odds?
Isn’t there a white knight upon a fiery steed?
Late at night I toss and turn and dream
of what I need.
[Chorus}
I need a hero.
I’m holding out for a hero ’til the end of the night.
He’s gotta be strong,
And he’s gotta be fast
And he’s gotta be fresh from the fight.
I need a hero.
I’m holding out for a hero ’til the morning light.
He’s gotta be sure,
And it’s gotta be soon,
And he’s gotta be larger than life
“What the hell do I need with a hero?” I’ve heard some say. “No one was there for us when we were being abused. We don’t need anyone now!” I heard a similar statement come out of Alley’s mouth when she first came out. I’ve read this sentiment on other people’s blogs. I’ve read various themes of this in reference to books by “experts.” Heck, I’ve thought it myself after 20 years of praying that a silent God would help my hurting wife heal. No answer? Fine! I don’t need a hero. I don’t need a savior. I don’t need anyone’s help!
But regardless how we feel, there seems to be a part in each of us who still WANTS to be saved, who still wants a knight in shining armor to rescue you, who still wishes there was a Superman or Spiderman to fight the bad guys for me. When we are powerless to defend ourselves, we want a champion to fight for us like in Leverage, The Equalizer, The A-Team, etc., etc. And if we are battered and bloodied, we want someone willing to nurse us back to health. Even though Hollywood focuses on the flashy heroes, they still “get it” some. I hope we can, too.
Moreover, the theme of a hero sacrificing himself for another is not uncommon. Literature is filled with this theme. This summer at the movies Thor got his hammer and power back when he allowed his brother’s robot to kill him in order to save the townspeople and his friends. In an earlier book Ron enabled Hermoine and Harry to continue on their journey when he sacrificed himself in a deadly, life-sized game of chess. In the Bible sacrificial love is always seen as the best kind of love for others.
But self-sacrificing seems to be out-of-style if you read some of the popular self-help literature. My uncle and I talked about this theme earlier this week. We wondered if the problem is that a life of self-sacrifice isn’t nearly as glamorous as a self-sacrificing death.
Here’s the problem. When Ron died in the Harry Potter movie it was a powerful and moving scene, but living sacrificially day in and day out for someone else isn’t nearly so glamorous. Each day is filled with little decisions to put someone else’s needs above your own. Not only isn’t it glamorous, but sometimes it’s tiring and tedious and hurts to ignore your own desires. But a sacrificial helper is exactly what someone with multiple personality disorder, more recently known as dissociative identity disorder needs to heal.
If you’ve got a spouse, partner or loved one with this disorder, essentially you’ve got someone with numerous little children hidden inside. Those littles, middles and teens aren’t much different than normal children except they are trapped inside an adult body. And a normal child needs a lot of love and sacrifice during the growing up process from his/her parent or guardian. That goes double for a child affected by major trauma issues.
For those of us in a position to be a hero for our spouse or loved one, let’s make sure we don’t make them regret our help by demanding payment in any form. And let’s be sure we aren’t arrogant about the help we give either. And no one likes to be around a person with a martyr complex. Hero’s with attitude aren’t needed.
And for those on the other side who have been traumatized, who needed a hero desperately, but one never came to rescue you as a little girl or boy. Some day a true hero may come your way, and it would be a tragedy to push him or her away because of the lack of a hero in the past. Even if you don’t want or need a hero, one of the littles may NEED a hero. I’m not saying don’t be careful, but be open to a hero for others within the network if the right one comes along.
My girls waited 40 years before a hero entered their lives. He wasn’t perfect, and he had his own issues he had to work through in the beginning. In fact his track record was pretty spotty for the first 20 years he was a part of their lives (without knowing it). But they gave him another chance in spite of repeated failures, and this time those little girls got their hero (warts and all ). My hope is the same for each of you reading this!
Blessings.
Sam, I Am
